Three Word Wednesday: My Lenten Journey

Honestly, I don’t know much about Lent. I've never participated in Lent because it sounded like another thing for me to fail at. Why then am I feeling led to give this Lent thing a try?

"I’m about to embark on a journey of the soul, and I want you to come along. When I stand in the sanctuary on Easter morning, I want to know that my whole heart has been yielded to Christ." ~ Jennifer Dukes Lee

Jennifer has written a book and it has captured my heart before even holding in my hands. Her book, Love Idol: Letting go of your need for approval—and seeing yourself through God’s eyes, releases April 1st. Find out more about her book here and join her Love Idol Movement here.

"Funny, how we can take God’s greatest gift – love – and turn it into an idol. Funny how we can twist our desire for approval, validation and significance into a false god."

I don't know when this feeling of not being worthy of love began. Maybe it started when told I had the intelligence of a dead fish. Other events replay in my head too — all of them feeding on the lie that I am not enough. Mostly, the lies come from my own negative thoughts.

Nonetheless, I've spent most of my life looking for validation elsewhere.

A friend from church, who has been a mentor to me, asks whenever we meet, "How are you doing, Beth?" She wants to know how I’m doing with letting go of my eating disorder. My answer remains the same as it did the last time she asked. "I’m doing okay." To take away some of the shame of not having a different response I tell her, "It’s better than it was."

"What steps are you taking towards freedom, Beth?"  Honestly? I’m not taking any steps. I get all tongue–tied when I try to explain why because I know when it comes down to it I’m scared to let go.

My identity — my worthiness — has been found in the number appearing on a scale for so long. What’s funny, no matter what the number reads it’s not enough. I still feel unworthy of being loved. Even when at my lowest weight, I did not feel worthy of love. Instead, I found myself lying in the bed of a mental hospital wishing I had the courage to end my life.

I've tried to find my worthiness through good works too. I volunteer for everything and anything to the point of exhaustion. It's still not enough.

And then there's my writing. I allow the number of page views or comments on a post to determine my worth. Those numbers grow but it's still not enough.

What's wrong with this picture?

I'm looking for validation in all the wrong places. The scale, good works and my writing have become love idols. If you strip away all of it and there was nothing more than who God created me to be, could I believe I was worthy of being loved?

I go back to His word...I go back to the beginning.

"So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." ~ Genesis 1:27

Do I believe God created me? Oh, yes I do. I really do.

"Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!" ~ Genesis 1:31

If I believe He created me the words "it was very good" apply to me too.

Do I live my life as though I believe?

Let’s be honest. When I look to the number on a scale for approval, I’m not living as though I believe. Continually harming my body by purging does not honor God. If I've already been PreApproved by Him, what am I doing?

I've had enough. I’m exhausted from the not-enough’s and not-worthy’s.

As Christ said on the cross when He died for my sins, "It is finished." ~ John 19:30

I’m turning off those tapes; they will no longer be replaying in my head, Jesus said, "It is finished." He died on the cross to make me new. "The old has gone, the new is here!" ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

How do I respond to what He did for me?

I’m going to join a whole other group of Jesus-sisters in taking a sledgehammer to my love idols and I’m starting with my eating disorder. The number on my scale will no longer define my worth — my scale has been shipped to my husband!

"I don’t want to miss the love I was made for — the love bleeding on Good Friday, then rising on Easter morning."

Me too, Jennifer! Me too!

Today marks the beginning of my first Lenten journey. Today I begin a journey towards freedom.

I am PreApproved by God. I am loved by God. I already have the only approval I need.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~ Psalm 139:14