Being here seems foreign to me. The last time I sat down to write a post (or to write for that matter) was April 2018. It took me several attempts to even login this morning. Why am I here now? I honestly do not know other than to say I do give thought to this space on occasion and wonder if I could return to sharing here on a more frequent basis. I never seem to come to a sureness.
Yet, here I am. I think it may have something to do with it being a new year. And not only a new year, but a year of new beginnings.
My employer recently moved from one town to another (closer to home). We are in a completely new space (new everything!), and I also enter my tenth year with this company. A new year and new space is allowing for a new beginning, or a fresh start, which I have discovered I desperately need.
I also turn 50 this year. I close out a decade and begin a new one.
So yes, a new year with new beginnings! Why not begin writing again? Yes? No?
I am not sure where to begin though. I have always asked God to make the act of writing flow more naturally. I dislike the constant hardness of transferring thoughts from my mind to the written form. I seek perfection or the ability to write more like her (her being a long list of others who do this better). If I cannot be perfect or like her than why bother?
I know, such wrong thinking. I remain so very good at the wrong thinking. But God! New year, new beginning. He's at work in my mind and in my heart.
As I leave one decade and begin another, this is the clarity He has given me... I have given the enemy too much occupancy in my mind for far too long.
Not pretty enough.
Not thin enough.
Not smart enough.
Not enough.
And the not enough's give way to feelings of not-belonging. I see how much the not-enough's and not-belonging have impacted the extent to which I withdraw from connection. I have stopped showing up, unless if feels safe to do so.
In addition to the wrong thinking and it's effects, military life and far too much time apart from my husband is having it's own effects. We are pushing through and even though I don't understand or quite know how to explain all the emotions and hardness of this season, what I do know is our God is faithful and trustworthy one hundred percent of the time.
And though I feel like I am constantly stumbling in all my different roles, I believe His promise in Psalm 37:24 so very much, "though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." Psalm 37:24
As I rest in His sovereignty and goodness, the hardness doesn't magically disappears but each day I experience His faithfulness to provide all that I need to make it through another day.
What does all this have to do with my one word -- the title of this post?
I sat with a dear friend recently - one who shows up regardless of how many times I tell her I remain in this place of believing I am not good enough. In a place of wishing He created me to be someone else - anyone but me. But if all He has created, and He created us in His image, is good, doesn't that apply to me too? I even went as far to say that I had begun to question if I was really a Christ follower.
As I said those words out loud to her the flood gates opened. The enormity of the lies... for I know I love the LORD our God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength (Deut. 6:5).
And then gradually through worship songs He led me to my one word. I saw how I needed to SING louder than my unbelief. And oh how I have been singing....
"I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief
I raise a hallelujah, my weapon is a melody
I raise a hallelujah, heaven comes to fight for me."
Raise a Hallelujah
"And all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God"
Goodness of God
There's a song in my soul
And I feel it stirring in me
This I know for sure
That Your love is like a flood
And Your mercy never ending
I give my song to You
Song in my Soul
So friends, I'm going to sing in the middle of this hardness. I'm going to sing louder and louder of His goodness and love. "Louder and louder you're going to hear my praises roar."
Let's sing a little louder together, shall we?
I am going to sing a little louder than my beliefs, too, Beth. I saw the post on fb and smiled to see you. I have been a sporadic MIA on Being Woven, although I am beginning to be a bit more consistent...maybe every 2 or 3 weeks. But I am here. I do not know if you know, but I lost Kenneth to cancer this past June after 5 months on hospice. He was only diagnosed in January when he got sick. We did not know.
ReplyDeleteWe do believe that he probably had cancer for quite some time by the thinness that he was and that he was losing weight a bit at a time. Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma turned out to be a type of cancer that the VA had linked to Agent Orange in the VietNam War where Kenneth served on the ground in the Army's 101st Airborne Combat Infantry. The doctors in Houston gave him 7-10 days to live, but God blessed us with 5 months. Time for words, for tasks, for directions, for application to the VA and even approval in 92 days!! amazing! Now I am blessed with a pension from the VA which is helping so much. Anyway, Beth, that is not what I came here to say. I came to read your post and to remind us both that although we are far from perfect we are enough for Him as He made us the way we are, and He grows us in Him so that we become more Christ-like every day. We belong because we are His. I say "we" because just last night I was telling a new friend how I have been beating myself up because I fear returning to the "old Linda" - that Linda that existed before Kenneth..a mess..one in need of a Savior..one afraid of not belonging, not fitting in. When Kenneth asked me if I was afraid (a few weeks before he died), I said I was...afraid of returning to the old Linda. He quickly said, "No, Linda, you will not because you belong to Christ. You are found in Him and will not go back." Yet, these last two days, I have had that fear. But today, I wake with newness and strength because of Jesus. Oh, Beth, I wish we could sit across the table and talk and hug and cry and talk some more. I am so grateful to see your precious face this morning when I signed on here. You bless me and always have. Interesting how we became friends without ever meeting face-to-face physically. I just love you, my sister. ~ linda
My dear Beth, my heart understands the singing in the hardcolaces. It’s something That has kept my heart alive over the last few years as I’ve weathered some rough times. I was so excited to see your post come through Facebook this morning. I too am trying to resurrect my writing life. I love you sweet one and think of you often.
ReplyDeleteSuch a JOY to see you in my inbox, sweet friend! The enemy's voice is often louder than our Father's. We must continue to seek, abide, and yes, sing! to heart the one, true voice. Praying for you during this time, dear one.
ReplyDeleteBeth you are beautiful insiede-out. Love your wrinting, Praying for you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIaT8Jl2zpI
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