We've been here before, God. Can we agree that this fear is here to stay? It's a part of me and I don't know if I can let it go.
My love/hate relationship with food, this eating disorder of mine, is one I'm convinced I have under control. We've had this relationship for over 15 years so I have it perfected. Stay with your comfort foods, Beth. When you find yourself up against the wall with food outside your comfort category, the bathroom is near. No problem!
When I play out the scene in my mind, I admit I have a rather warped view of what it means to have control.
Putting words to this battle is hard. A new writer friend recently wrote a post on a dare to love herself and her words touched my heart. At first I was jealous of her ability to express herself so beautifully. My jealousy then turned to praise. I was thankful for her ability to write about the battle to love who God created us to be.
"I will stop rejecting You, by loving all of what You created." ~ Tammy
The fear isn't so much the food but rather the fear of how what I eat will change me. Thin is good. Thin is acceptable. The opposite just won't do. And really, the underlying battle is believing I am enough just the way He created me. It makes me sad that I reject God by not loving all of what He created.
I spend time sharing with a friend and she says, "Beth, it's time to say big prayers to God." The only words that come are God, please take this.
Am I ready to surrender this control, or lack of control? Am I ready to surrender my body to God? What will change when I do? Will I ever be able to look in the mirror and no matter what I see say, your works are wonderful? Can I step on a scale and believe the number isn't a reflection of my worth? Will I ever be able to look at food and not fear its impact?
My one word for 2013 is embrace. I chose this word because I know God is wanting me to embrace who I am in Christ. My go-to verse is, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~ Psalm 139:14
I say this verse over and over again...God's Word is the best way to combat the lies from the devil that push us deeper in our fears. Maybe my deepest fear is if I will ever truly believe these words apply to me too.
I reflect on my friend Tammy's words. "Grace is everywhere, but right here in us." While my tendency is to believe I'm excluded, the truth is His grace is in me too. So every morning when I wake, my prayer will be the same. "God, please take this." And each day I will grow in His amazing grace.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
How are you growing in His grace my friend? Will you share?
Beautifully honest. Thank you for sharing your struggle, and where you are. And you are right, in Christ you are complete and you are enough.
ReplyDeleteDear Beth
ReplyDeleteIt is not easy, dear one, I know! And your honesty about your struggles makes it so more real to me for I have my own weaknesses. We tend to think that we are so unacceptable when we admit we are not perfect, but our Lord Jesus came to seek and save those who know how lost they are; the ones like us.
God bless you, dear Beth
Mia
Beth, as always a post that touches my heart. We all have our struggles and I am thankful you can share from your heart. God Bless
ReplyDeleteBeth, right now in this moment, we're walking this thing together. How you shared this thing, I wanta say "Yes! We are Embracing."
ReplyDeleteBeth, I have battled my weight for years and have often repeated Psalm 139 as my "mantra". Believe what God says about your worth ; not the scale. You are beautiful on the inside and the outside!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Bev ((hugs))
Hi Beth, thank you for being so transparent and sharing honestly. I understand the battle of being discontent with the way God's made me. I think it's one we only grow in; a process of believing and trusting Him more. And it sounds like you are doing all the right things - being honest and seeking Him in it. I'm so glad to meet you. Love, Jacqui
ReplyDeleteWhile I personally haven't battled an eating disorder, I have let a birth defect lead me to believe I'm an exception to "fearfully and wonderfully made." Your words "His grace is in me too" gives me fresh-air perspective.
ReplyDeleteThank you, friend. Really.
Your words of honesty, and transparency and of a crying out from the deep to Him who made you are so beautiful friend. Praying with you, walking with you sister in spirit. I am privileged to hear your words and your heart prayer as I visit from Emily's. Draw on Him dear one, draw on Him.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with an eating disorder, too, Beth. I long to embrace my body the way God made me and not hate myself and punish myself. It's been a long struggle and I denied it's existence for a long time - just too ashamed to admit that I was anxious and afraid and couldn't cope with my life. I still struggle at times, but I now know that God doesn't hate me for it and He isn't disappointed in me. He loves me - He loves us - even in our struggles. It's His love and acceptance that has changed me more than anything else ever has. Thank you for sharing, friend.
ReplyDelete