By the grace of God

There is this great mistake I want to share with you, but sharing is hard. Since launching this new blog I've shared little as it relates to my marriage. This seems strange to me because when I first began this blogging adventure my intent was to share how my story was one of forgiveness.

"My story to tell, is a story of forgiveness. I may not have Dr. in front of my name, but I think the strongest form of medicine is learning to forgive. It isn't just learning to forgive another, but learning to forgive yourself. There have been many broken bones (not literally) in my relationship with my husband. But, I know those bones are stronger because we learned to forgive each other. We are stronger individually, and we are stronger as a couple."

These words were shared in a post from my former blog. As I read them they still ring true. But why is my story one of forgiveness? The why is the harder part to share.

To be able to share that this October my husband and I will celebrate 23 years of marriage is only by the grace of God. When I gave warning to my husband on the topic for this post he asked, "Can you write on the grace of God when we weren't even believers at that time?"

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." - Psalm 139:16

God already knew our story... Yes, dear. I can write about the grace of God.

So what is my greatest mistake? I actually have two. Oh how I wish I didn't have this one or two. While I've made many mistakes in my life, these two... well they leave me ever so thankful for the grace of God.

There is a part of me that wants to back-track a little here, but this may go on forever if I do. Maybe you are sensing my fear of avoiding the inevitable. I did begin this post with a purpose - right? Oh yes, my greatest mistakes. They are actually the same because I made the same mistake twice.

Twice I looked my husband in the eyes and said the words, I want a divorce. Twice I shattered the heart of not only my husband, but of our two children. There are reasons why those words were said, but the words were still said by me. I was the one who wanted to give up. I was the one wanting to break the vow I made to him.

"I, Beth, take you S, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."

Not only did I ask for a divorce, but on my first request, I left with our children at my side. The second time I asked him to leave.

My husband sits next to me as I write this. He watches me type and eventually asks, "Is that it?"

I know deep in his heart the pain from my mistakes is still there. But my heart rejoices for how God extended His grace upon us. My heart rejoices for how God directed our paths and led us both to forgive.

Can I write about the grace of God? Oh yes my love!

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." - Psalm 139:16

As you read this, you are reading a portion of God's story for my husband and me. His story included us still by each other's side, almost 23 year later, committed to our vows "to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."

There were many days during these dark moments of our marriage that I would ask, God, are you there? The silence would leave me to believe He was not. I know now He was surely there. It's in those weak moments when we question His presence that He is drawing us closer. I believe the words he wanted me to hear were, "Keep seeking Me dear one. I am here."

And while a part of me may wish I never made these mistakes, God found a way to use them. He used them to save a marriage that needed saving. He used them to teach two people who both were in need of forgiveness, how to forgive.

Oh yes my love. I can write about the grace of God!






To my husband... I love you with all my heart.

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Linking with Kristen and Jolene