Go and Do the Right Thing

I was a weeping fool yesterday. Those all too familiar words, I'm not good enough, kept playing over and over again in my mind. My heart knows this is not truth, but it was a day where I felt the weight of those words.

Paul tells us, God will comfort us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God (2 Corinthians 1:4). But how? How do I share with others the same comfort He has given me? The question I found myself asking during my day of weeping was what if I'm not good enough?

Our pastor began his most recent message by reminding us of the mission of our church, "Glorifying God by developing fully devoted followers of Jesus Christ to affect our world."

And here my weeping began... 

I wept over the years and years of pain. I wept over finding God. I wept most because all I want is to share how He is healing me. As I sat there weeping I questioned how He could use me. God, I'm not good enough. Honestly, what I was saying was, God, if I'm not a good enough writer, how do you want to use me?

You see, I've always wanted to be perfect at something... anything. I just want one thing. Give me that one thing God and I will use it to glorify you. If writing isn't my one thing, then what is?

The thought that writing may not be my gift hurts. So I wept...and I wept. All that weeping was over those same words, I'm not good enough. And it became more than questioning whether or not I was a good writer, but whether or not I was good at anything. At the end of the day I was exhausted from my weeping. And here I am taking a day off of work because I simply didn't have strength for another day. All this weeping led me to questioning God. There I said it! This is where my day ended. God, are you really there?

My pastor shared these words during his sermon and this is where my heart rests today. "Jesus is our living hope. Embrace with all honesty your story and what Jesus has done in your life and what He continues to do." And he then said those beautiful words, I once was lost and now I'm found, from the hymn "Amazing Grace."

And my weeping begins again...

But my weeping isn't over those words, I'm not good enough: it's from knowing, I once was lost and now I'm found. I can place these hurts of mine into His loving hands and allow Him to replace them with peace. A peace that is only found in Him. 

I can embrace with all honesty my story—I'm broken and there are hurts that still run deep. 

 

But I'm no longer lost. I am found. He is my hope. He restores my soul.

Maybe this is what all my weeping was for. To once again remind me that He is my hope. Every time I find myself in the familiar place of believing I'm not good enough, I always find my way back to His loving embrace and He says to me, "My dear child, you are more than enough. Now go and do the right thing. You don't need to be perfect for me to use you.

So here I am...writing. This writing is hard. I've spent hours trying to be perfect in sharing my feelings and fears with you. I come across writers who say it so much better than I. But when I hear God say, "Go now and do the right thing," all I know to do is to write. As imperfect as my words may be, I hope and pray that He will use them for His glory. 

Yesterday, I found myself crushed and overwhelmed. Today, with those familiar doubts and fears back in His loving hands, I say to God, "I am glad, not for the pain I felt, but because the pain I was weeping over turned me back to you (2 Corinthians 7:9)."