Love is thoughtful

Dare #4: By email or telephone, if possible ask your spouse the question, “How are you doing? Is there anything I can do for you?” As we think loving thoughts we are spurred on to loving actions.

When I first read the chapter for Day 4 in The Love Dare I thought I've got this covered. I’m always thinking of my husband and I tell him frequently how much I love him and miss him. Almost every conversation begins with the question, “How are you doing?” I ask him often if he needs anything. Dare completed. Check!

God had a different opinion and kept me right where He wanted me . . . on Dare #4. I needed to be more intentional with my thoughtfulness.

On a recent phone conversation with my husband I did not simply ask him how he was doing. I went deeper. For the first time I asked him to share with me how he felt about his deployment. I know being away from home is hard on him too. I’m not the service member but I assume they want to feel as though their mission serves a purpose. Did he feel good about why he was there?

And then . . . I listened and learned from him.

I thought of a book that sat on my shelf; a book by Paul E. Miller called Love Walked Among Us.  It’s another one of those books I've started but need to finish. I flipped ahead to Chapter 6: The Golden Rule. Paul Miller shares Mark 10:47-52 as an example and then wrote, “Asking questions slows us down and puts us in the other people’s worlds, hearing their words, their expressions, and their desires. We become the learner rather than the expert.”

Taking the time to ask my husband questions and then listening to him helps me to better understand the world he currently lives in (on the other end of the world) and the needs he may have so I can act on those needs. It’s a thoughtful expression of how much he matters to me.

Intentionally listening to my husband reminded me of why I started this love dare series. I had been slow to listen to him but quick to speak, and quick to get angry. I let my own desires get in the way of showing love to my husband.

The writers of The Love Dare refer to a destructive pattern of “ready, shoot, aim.” To explain this they wrote, “You speak harshly now and determine later if you should have said it. But the thoughtful nature of love teaches you to engage your mind before engaging your lips. Love thinks before speaking. It filters words through a grid of truth and kindness.”

“You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” ~ James 1:19

Thoughtfulness requires us to talk less and listen more. When we do, this communicates to our spouse that their viewpoints and ideas matter to us. We may not always agree with our spouse but just as we want to feel our own opinions and ideas matter, we need to do for them what we want them to do for us (Luke 6:31).

Remember, love is not self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13:5). Love honors others (our spouses) above ourselves (Romans 12:10).

Paul Miller writes in Chapter 11 of his book, “When we say ‘no’ to self and ‘yes’ to God, our love is pure.” He’s telling us God’s kind of love is not consumed with our own desires.

He goes on to share how the secret to love is a hunger for conversation with God and a hunger for Words from God. For our love to be pure we need God’s help. For His help we turn to prayer and Scripture.

The point I’m trying to make is the one I've mentioned in each post of this series. This love dare journey is all about Him. It’s about knowing Him better and what it means to follow Him. God is love. Without His help I will never learn how to love my husband with His kind of love. I need to say “yes” to God and “no” to self.

Putting my husband’s needs before my own is about surrendering to God’s will. It’s about letting God shape my life. Who better to hand over control to?

What love discoveries did I make this past week?

We were created to live a life of love (Ephesians 5:1). Without it, we are nothing (1 Corinthians 13:2b). I'm also convinced love is contagious! I received the sweetest Mother's Day message from my husband: “I wish I could come home if only for a minute and hold you in my arms and tell you just how special you are. Happy Mothers Day.” There were only a few tears when I woke to those words.

Thank you once again for following along on this journey. I'm always grateful for when you share how you were encouraged in the comments.

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Next week: Love is not rude