Three Word Wednesday: Love isn't rude

Dare #5: Ask your spouse, by email or phone (or letter) to name three things you do which cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated.

My gut reaction to this dare did not include asking my husband to name three things I do which irritate him. Our recent conversations have made my heart smile big so I hesitated to go in this direction.

If we are spending time in God’s Word, most likely we've felt a nudge on areas in our lives where we need to allow God to do renovations. I know I could easily name off three ways I irritate my husband at times without input from him.

I’m all in on this Love Dare Challenge so against my judgment I sent an email to my husband. He had no interest in naming off a list. I must say his response was music to my ears. “My thoughts of you on a daily or hourly basis are not of past nuisances or annoyances.” He went on to say, “If I was home maybe I would be willing to have this discussion because I could hold you at the end of the night.” I love this man of mine.

I’m not disagreeing on the value of having this discussion. I do have a different opinion on whether or not the approach should be different for military couples going through a deployment.

Without a list from my husband of ways I irritate him, I relied on how the Holy Spirit has convicted me on the matter of love not being rude.

The writers of The Love Dare stated, “There are two main reasons why people are rude: ignorance and self-centeredness. Earlier in the chapter they wrote, “For the most part, the etiquette you use at home is much different than the kind you employ with friends, or even with total strangers.” I loved how a writing friend referred to this when leaving a comment on my last post. She said, “Isn't it odd how everyone else, even complete strangers, gets our most thoughtful side ... and our spouses and family get the leftovers?”

Scary true, isn't it? I know my husband and children have received my leftovers. I can be ignorant at times and we've already discussed my selfish tendencies.

I've had the verses from James 3:9-18 on my mind and I wonder how often my words are unpleasing to God.

“Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God.” ~ James 3:9

This husband of mine was created in the image of God just like me. He should be treated the same way I want to be treated . . . with love.

My words may not always be harsh but I know there are often times when both ignorance and self-centeredness reside in them. Like when my husband gives advice and all I want from him is to listen. This usually leaves me irritated and unwilling to listen even if his advice is good. I may not love all the things my husband says or does but as my beautiful friend Shelly said to me, “The beauty of love is that it loves in spite of those things.”

And If I want him to stop doing the things that bother me, I need to first look inward and stop doing the things I know bother him. In the The Love Dare, Day by Day: A Year of Devotions for Couples, Day 130 is titled: “Love deals with self first.” It says, “No one makes a mess of their marriage all by themselves, but if healing is to occur, it should always start with ‘me.’”

“Why do you look at the speck in your brothers’ eye but don’t notice the log in your own eye.” ~ Matthew 7:3

If my words are unpleasing to my husband they are also unpleasing to God. I need to allow the Holy Spirit to do those renovations.

In the study notes of the Life Application Study Bible it includes for James 3:12-18, “Careful, winsome speech and wise, loving words are the seeds of peace.” If I want to scatter seeds of peace shouldn't I start with my spouse?

Even after twenty-four years of marriage, I’m discovering my love needs to mature. “Maturity puts others before yourself, both in thought and in deed (Love Dare Day by Day, Day 61).” For a maturing love I will keep seeking wisdom from God’s Word.

“Real wisdom, God’s wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.” ~ James 3:17-18 (MSG)

God’s kind of love . . . real love . . . takes work. We do the required work because that is what love does.

What love discoveries did I make this past week? It's worth the work.

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Dare #5: Love is not rude

Next week: Love is not irritable