Three Word Wednesday: Believe the best

There have been seasons in my marriage when my thoughts of my husband were far from believing the best about him. There were seasons when I would say under my breath, I hate you. It hurts tremendously to admit such a thing.

I never stopped loving my husband, even during our two separations, but there were seasons when it seemed easier to hate him than love him.

In chapter seven of The Love Dare the writers refer to having two rooms in your home: the Appreciation Room and the Depreciation Room. The Appreciation Room is obviously where positive thoughts about your spouse take place and the Depreciation Room not so positive. The dare takes you to both rooms by asking you to write down the positive and negative things about your spouse. I have not read ahead so I do not know what I will do with my lists. Apparently we return to the lists at a later date.

Honestly, I have no interest in going into the Depreciation Room.

I write from a perspective of my marriage being in a good place, yet I know God wants me to reach those who may be where I once was. The years when you would most likely find me in the Depreciation Room were a dark time.

In the Depreciation Room I would write on the walls all the things that bothered and irritated me about my husband. As said by the writers, I “placed words and opinions there out of frustration, hurt feelings, and the disappointment of unmet expectations.” The more time I spent there the easier it became to add to the walls. Eventually I thought there had to be better so I left my husband looking for better . . . I left twice.

Hanging out in the Depreciation Room will kill your marriage. “The more time you spend in this place, the more your heart devalues your spouse. It begins the moment you walk in the door, and your care for them lessens with every second that ticks by.” (pg. 32)

I always had a choice, and still have a choice, of how I choose to think about my husband. I could choose positive thoughts or negative thoughts. But love chooses to believe the best.

While the things I've written on the walls of the Depreciation Room may have been or still hold true, so are the things written in the Appreciation Room. Love focuses on the positives.

As I filled the walls of the Depreciation Room with the ways my husband had hurt me the more hurtful I became towards him. The time in that room truly almost killed my marriage and the blame did not fall solely on my husband. We both had areas where we failed because we are both sinners in need of God's grace.

“Love knows about the Depreciation Room and does not live in denial that it exists. But love chooses not to live there.” (pg.  32)

Paul says in Philippians 4:8 that our thoughts should only be of that which is true, noble, right, pure, lovely or admirable. When I think back to those dark seasons excellent or praiseworthy thoughts about my husband seemed impossible. But with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). I now know I need to pray and ask God for His help.

I love what the writers say to do if entering the Depreciation Room again: “And the only reason you should ever go in this room is to write ‘COVERED IN LOVE’ in huge letters across the walls.”

With confidence the writers will have me do something positive with a list of the ways my husband bothers or irritates me (such as tear it up), I briefly entered the room I no longer like to be in and wrote one thing on a piece of paper. I then wrote “Covered in Love” in big letters over it, folded it up and tucked away until I receive further instructions.

While surely my husband does things that bother me, I choose to see beyond them and focus on the reasons I appreciate him. The months we've spent apart have taught me there are indeed many (many, many) wonderful qualities my husband beholds.

Love is a choice we make. We make it by choosing to place God first in our lives. We make time for Him and we get to know Him by spending time in His Word.  God is the answer to loving our spouse with His kind of love. What a wonderful gift it is to serve a God who cares about every detail of our marriage. He is eager to help us spend our days believing the best about our spouse.

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” ~ Isaiah 26:3

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Dare #5: Love is not rude

Dare #6: Love is not irritable

Dare #7: Love believes the best

Next week: Love is not jealous