I dreamt I walked away from God. In my dream I had fallen short on a commitment and was then confronted by a person who means much to me in real life. I let her down. I let many down. My response was to walk away from God.
This dream of walking away has taken place a number of times lately. The scenario which brings me there is different but the result stays the same.
I do not know why I have this reoccurring dream because in no way do I want to walk away from God.
I downloaded a book yesterday. It's been on my "must read" list for far too long.
The book... I Want God, by Lisa Whittle
The Christmas presents are unwrapped and used in one way or another. The decorations are down and put away. Our oldest son's visit has come to an end and he has returned to sunny California. We are about to ring in the New Year.
We each received the gifts we wanted. The greatest gift received from our youngest son was a home fully decorated for Christmas. And obviously I always want our oldest son home with us.
But what do I want more than the gifts, a decorated home and time with family?
There has been another kind of want too. The want has actually lingered for a long time. I want to be good at just one thing.
I thought my "one thing" was writing. Then the writing stopped.
I have thought it was other things too, like maybe shepherding a group of ladies through a Bible study. But lately I am not so sure.
You could say doubt has a tendency of being the "one thing" I am really, really good at. It's not what I want to be good at though.
So I think about the word want. I wonder if maybe want should be my One Word for 2016. But I don't so much want to choose one word. What I want to want more than anything else is to want God. As Lisa Whittle writes in her book, "It is the permanent kind, the unwavering kind of want... the kind of want that changes our life and helps us change others."
I want that kind of want. And I don't just want to tell him I want Him but I want to mean it and I want to live it out.
I am not sure what brings me back to this space this morning to tell you this. I am not sure if and when I will come here again. The break from writing led to a fear of writing again. As the New Year approaches it felt appropriate to move past the fear. It feels right to ring in the New Year with a leap of faith. Putting words in this space again is nothing short of a leap of faith for me.
Until we meet again, friends, Happy New Year. And what if we all choose to want God more than anything else in 2016 and the years to come?
I haven't written in over a year. Well, I've added a line or two to my blog link up, but that's been about it. It has been as if my enthusiasm for it has disappeared. However, as 2015 comes to a close, I've been thinking a lot about that - the whys and such, and I've made some discoveries. I stopped writing out of fear. Yes...after my year of "courage" fear descended on me "big time". So, this year, I'm not going to choose a one word, however, I am going to make some changes. Hopefully, you'll see those in my blog in the coming days. I want God, too. I want to be excited about God...I want to be excited about writing about God! So, I'm laying this desire of "want" at His feet and am looking forward to what He does!
ReplyDeleteBlessings & Happy New Year, Beth! Joan
Joan, I am excited to see what God has in store for you in 2016. Hope to find myself on your lovely blog again reading your always inspirational words of encouragement. Praying for us both as we seek Him with our whole heart. Much love. xoxo
DeleteBeth, I so enjoyed "I Want God" when I read it. Lisa Whittle gives us much to think on. My word for 2016 is "See" because I want to "Taste & see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!" (Psalm 34:8) May you & yours have a blessed 2016!
ReplyDeleteA good words, Joanne, and I love that verse. Blessings to you, friend. Thanks for stopping by and for the encouragement. xoxo
DeleteBeth, I so needed this today. I've written here and there on my blog, but not with the passion and desire I once had. I too drew back in fear -- fear of where my life was leading me. I was ready to hit 2016 head on with a fresh word, and then we've hit another hard obstacle. Not only do I want God, I so desperately need Him. Thank you for sharing my friend. I am blessed.
ReplyDeleteDearest Barbie, I know things have been hard and I pray for you often. Your love for God and for others is always so evident. You are an encourager beyond the words you write on your blog. I love you much. xoxo
DeleteBeth, your words are always so well-spoken, so wise. It makes me sad to think that fear interferes with your expression of them. But, alas, I know the ways of fear well. And it can be a paralyzing influence. Whether you decide to write in this place again or more often, I pray that fear won't be the determining factor.
ReplyDeleteI read a wonderful book called "Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb. In it he talked a lot about losing our dreams, about pain that shakes us to our core, about being whittled down in our spirits to nothing. But then, he talked about that experience being a gift. My first reaction was, "WHAT???" But as I read why he said that was a gift, I began to feel something deep in my soul. He said that *losing* all these things, and being in a state of deep despair, gets us in touch with our deepest want - the wanting of God Himself. I just wrote a recap of my word for 2015 - healing. And one of the things I learned this past year was that suffering (lack of healing) gets you in touch with what you truly believe. And I discovered that at the core of my heart, I do indeed want God.
I pray for you in this season in your life. I pray for relief from angst, for release from fear. But more than anything, I pray that you will see how God is *carving deeper* and using your feelings to get you in touch with the truly wonderful place of wanting Him - above all else, more than all else, even more than what He can do for us. Trust me, He'll meet you there.
Luke 10:27, NIV: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind..."
This is the essence of life.
Happy New Year, dearest friend. Love you.
GOD BLESS!
(P.S. I'm writing about my new word next week. Drop by if you get a chance...)
I adore you, friend. Your comments always bring such needed encouragement. And your prayers are so very much appreciated. I think I will need to check out that book and I will be by tomorrow to read about your word for 2016. Much love. xoxo
DeleteBeth,
ReplyDeleteMaybe there is not just one thing that you are good at doing. I am not the best writer out there, but enjoy writing and feel called to do so. God has also let me to help with Redeemer Christian Foundation. Doing so, has brought to light more of my weaknesses than my strengths. I've had to surround myself with people who compliment me. The only thing I find I really want to be good at is abiding in Him. It's only when I abide in Him (and believe me, I fail at that a lot) that there is anything left to pour out into others. Praying for you sweet sister...so good to be reading your words again!!
Love always,
Bev xx
Bev, your comment was a needed reminder of how it's not about me and how good I am at something but about showing up and serving where God has called me to be. Thank you for that. Much love and hugs, Beth
DeleteWow. That's just what He says He wants. Us to want Him. With every bit of our being. He'll take it from there.
ReplyDeleteHe's got you where He wants you. And He will not let you go.
I'm so blessed to be here with you today, Beth. I can't wait to see where He takes you in these upcoming months ...
Hugs, girl!
It's such a blessing to do life in this online world with you, Linda. You just bless me so. xoxo
DeleteBeth, thank you so much for sharing from your heart today. I've taken a break from blogging for the holiday break, since I had the week off, but I ended up taking a complete break from writing. It is now Friday and I promised my readers a list on Monday and I'm scrambling. I think, as you said, the more you stay away, the more you fear going back to it. Why is that? We love what we do, right? We love writing, we consider it a gift from the Lord, yet we think too much about it and don't want to do it unless it can be perfect. I read the comments of so many of my online blogging friends here and I thought, "hey they feel the same way I do. We are all a bunch of regular imperfect ladies!" And just reading these comments, your blog and others helps my apathetic self get off my apathetic butt and get in there to write. I pray for you and for all of us who struggle with this imperfect writing thing that more than anything, we would simply follow Jesus. Blessings to you in 2016.
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ReplyDeleteHi Beth! Welcome back to your writing space! Don't worry about the frequency of your blogging, write when you 'want'.
ReplyDeleteDreams are so interesting, aren't they? I never know if I get the interpretation right, but if your conclusion is wanting God, and not walking away, that's pretty awesome. May God lead you to just the right places in this new year, and reveal to you what He wants from you!
Blessings in 2016,
Ceil
Beth, my husband is a UMC pastor and therefore we move--a lot! In each place God has called me to a unique place where I "fit"--as a store clerk for a non-profit, a Christian writing instructor and group leader, a substitute teacher in a Christian school, a nursing home gift shop manager, etc. All of that to say that often there isn't just "one thing" God gifts us to do. Sometimes He gifts us for whatever the current need is. Your writing is excellent--well organized, heartfelt, honest, and humble. I encourage you to keep sharing your heart and praying for God's guidance. We never know where He may lead.
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