Thursday, December 31, 2015

I Want God

I dreamt I walked away from God. In my dream I had fallen short on a commitment and was then confronted by a person who means much to me in real life. I let her down. I let many down. My response was to walk away from God.

This dream of walking away has taken place a number of times lately. The scenario which brings me there is different but the result stays the same.

I do not know why I have this reoccurring dream because in no way do I want to walk away from God.

I downloaded a book yesterday. It's been on my "must read" list for far too long.

The book... I Want God, by Lisa Whittle

The Christmas presents are unwrapped and used in one way or another. The decorations are down and put away. Our oldest son's visit has come to an end and he has returned to sunny California. We are about to ring in the New Year.

We each received the gifts we wanted. The greatest gift received from our youngest son was a home fully decorated for Christmas. And obviously I always want our oldest son home with us.

But what do I want more than the gifts, a decorated home and time with family?

There has been another kind of want too. The want has actually lingered for a long time. I want to be good at just one thing.

I thought my "one thing" was writing. Then the writing stopped.

I have thought it was other things too, like maybe shepherding a group of ladies through a Bible study. But lately I am not so sure.

You could say doubt has a tendency of being the "one thing" I am really, really good at. It's not what I want to be good at though.

So I think about the word want. I wonder if maybe want should be my One Word for 2016. But I don't so much want to choose one word. What I want to want more than anything else is to want God. As Lisa Whittle writes in her book, "It is the permanent kind, the unwavering kind of want... the kind of want that changes our life and helps us change others."

I want that kind of want. And I don't just want to tell him I want Him but I want to mean it and I want to live it out.

I am not sure what brings me back to this space this morning to tell you this. I am not sure if and when I will come here again. The break from writing led to a fear of writing again. As the New Year approaches it felt appropriate to move past the fear. It feels right to ring in the New Year with a leap of faith. Putting words in this space again is nothing short of a leap of faith for me.

Until we meet again, friends, Happy New Year. And what if we all choose to want God more than anything else in 2016 and the years to come?

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