Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Three Word Wednesday: Love isn't rude



Dare #5: Ask your spouse, by email or phone (or letter) to name three things you do which cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated.

My gut reaction to this dare did not include asking my husband to name three things I do which irritate him. Our recent conversations have made my heart smile big so I hesitated to go in this direction.

If we are spending time in God’s Word, most likely we've felt a nudge on areas in our lives where we need to allow God to do renovations. I know I could easily name off three ways I irritate my husband at times without input from him.

I’m all in on this Love Dare Challenge so against my judgment I sent an email to my husband. He had no interest in naming off a list. I must say his response was music to my ears. “My thoughts of you on a daily or hourly basis are not of past nuisances or annoyances.” He went on to say, “If I was home maybe I would be willing to have this discussion because I could hold you at the end of the night.” I love this man of mine.

I’m not disagreeing on the value of having this discussion. I do have a different opinion on whether or not the approach should be different for military couples going through a deployment.

Without a list from my husband of ways I irritate him, I relied on how the Holy Spirit has convicted me on the matter of love not being rude.

The writers of The Love Dare stated, “There are two main reasons why people are rude: ignorance and self-centeredness. Earlier in the chapter they wrote, “For the most part, the etiquette you use at home is much different than the kind you employ with friends, or even with total strangers.” I loved how a writing friend referred to this when leaving a comment on my last post. She said, “Isn't it odd how everyone else, even complete strangers, gets our most thoughtful side ... and our spouses and family get the leftovers?”

Scary true, isn't it? I know my husband and children have received my leftovers. I can be ignorant at times and we've already discussed my selfish tendencies.

I've had the verses from James 3:9-18 on my mind and I wonder how often my words are unpleasing to God.

“Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God.” ~ James 3:9

This husband of mine was created in the image of God just like me. He should be treated the same way I want to be treated . . . with love.

My words may not always be harsh but I know there are often times when both ignorance and self-centeredness reside in them. Like when my husband gives advice and all I want from him is to listen. This usually leaves me irritated and unwilling to listen even if his advice is good. I may not love all the things my husband says or does but as my beautiful friend Shelly said to me, “The beauty of love is that it loves in spite of those things.”

And If I want him to stop doing the things that bother me, I need to first look inward and stop doing the things I know bother him. In the The Love Dare, Day by Day: A Year of Devotions for Couples, Day 130 is titled: “Love deals with self first.” It says, “No one makes a mess of their marriage all by themselves, but if healing is to occur, it should always start with ‘me.’”

“Why do you look at the speck in your brothers’ eye but don’t notice the log in your own eye.” ~ Matthew 7:3

If my words are unpleasing to my husband they are also unpleasing to God. I need to allow the Holy Spirit to do those renovations.

In the study notes of the Life Application Study Bible it includes for James 3:12-18, “Careful, winsome speech and wise, loving words are the seeds of peace.” If I want to scatter seeds of peace shouldn't I start with my spouse?

Even after twenty-four years of marriage, I’m discovering my love needs to mature. “Maturity puts others before yourself, both in thought and in deed (Love Dare Day by Day, Day 61).” For a maturing love I will keep seeking wisdom from God’s Word.

“Real wisdom, God’s wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.” ~ James 3:17-18 (MSG)

God’s kind of love . . . real love . . . takes work. We do the required work because that is what love does.

What love discoveries did I make this past week? It's worth the work.


Dare #1: Love is patient
Dare #2: Love is kind

Next week: Love is not irritable

40 comments :

  1. You do have a precious husband, Beth. I am lucky to have one, too. And I know the things I do that cause him vexation. Real love takes hard work, and I have much to work on in myself. May the Lord give us both the courage to face the *leftovers* - and to work on these areas. Those we love the most deserve it, don't they?!

    GOD BLESS!

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    1. Praying for that courage right alongside of you, Sharon. I'm grateful for how God is revealing to me that it is indeed worth the work. Much love to you, friend. {Hugs}

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  2. I love this Beth, and it is something I reflect on often! How would our lives and the lives of our husbands be different if we took greater care with our attitudes when we enter our homes? If we valued our time spent with them every bit as much as the time we spend encouraging and working with others? When we love, respect, and lift up our husbands as the Bible instructs us, we are fulfilling not only the greatest need in their lives, but also ours to unite us into one! ♥

    Blessings sweet one! Have a joyful day ♥
    Denise

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    1. Good words there, Denise. Thank you so much for sharing. Blessed by you. <3

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  3. I think I love your husband, too, Beth. ;) What a perfect response from him. I’m so glad he gave you that gift this week. And yes, it is scary true how often my husband and children have received my leftovers. Yikes. :( I needed this reminder that they were all created in the same image as I was and deserve my best, my heart, not my leftovers. This actually goes right along with what’s been on my heart the past few weeks. I’m glad God doesn’t give up on me and I just read this morning, His patience can be counted as salvation (2 Pet. 3:15). That gave me heart. He is oh so very patient and I’m oh so very glad. ;) Love you, Beth! Hugs, Meredith

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    1. Oh me too, Meredith. As I go through this and reflect on all the things love is not and realize the maturing that needs to take place, I am so grateful for His patience with me. I'm grateful for the desire He has given me to love more and more like Him. Much love to you. {Hugs}

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  4. Oooh this is a good one. And your man is a gem. I can just imagine the deer-in-the-headlights look my husband would give me if I asked him that:) Love you, Beth. You have taught me much just in this post. It is a great way to start my Wednesday!

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    1. I know, right? I think mine was probably just shaking his head at me as he read my email. :) It was good to see you link up today. I'm so glad you are giving yourself a summer break. Love you, Lauren. I will be connecting with you in other ways for sure. {Hugs}

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  5. "Like when my husband gives advice and all I want from him is to listen. This usually leaves me irritated and unwilling to listen even if his advice is good." This just happened this past week- I was harsh in not wanting his advice, but it was good advice and I shut my man down by telling him not to offer it.:( That for this reminder, my words have not been pretty these last few days and I need a readjustment. Thank you for the gracious, kind reminder.:)

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    1. This is something I really struggle with, Katie. I think it's a man thing which is a big reminder to me that we need to understand how we were designed differently. In the moment though when I just really want him to listen to me and not give advice it's hard. Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you.

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  6. What a beautiful answer he gave you to such a tricky question. I love that he ended it with the thought of consoling you by holding you after giving his list. How precious! I know you're going through tough lonely times right now, but, you, dear one, are a blessed woman! Heart hugs!

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, Kaylene. I always appreciate your kind comments. You are so sweet. Blessings to you. {Hugs}

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  7. Good Morning, Beth ... I'm not only enjoying this series, but also the photo shoot of you and your man. Something we all should consider doing, deployment or not. Just a really cool idea that captures your strong feelings for each other. Beautiful ...

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    1. Thanks, Linda. I'm enjoying using them. A close friend of ours took them right before my husband left. We enjoyed taking them and I just love staring at them. :)

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  8. I love this. I love your heart behind this series. I love your husband's response. And I love how despite the distance, you all are working on your marriage. So much encouragement here, friend. Love you.

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    1. Thank you for your encouragement, Kristin. I'm so grateful for you. Love you.

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  9. It is so wonderful to read of how you & Scott are learning about each other & staying connected during this difficult time. May we continue to learn about our husbands. Continue to fall more deeply in love with them. Love is work. But so very worth it. Beautiful post, Beth!

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    1. Thank you, Joanne. I always appreciate the kind words you share here. You are a blessing to me. Much love.

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  10. Oh girl, I love how you take whatever it is you are writing on and weave scriptures throughout. And I LOVE your husband's response!! Much Love to you!!

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    1. Thank you, Alecia. I really appreciated hearing that. Much love to you. {Hugs}

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  11. Wonderful, sister. Simply wonderful. This is one that I struggle with a lot-- because my husband specifically gets the leftovers after our sweet toddler has drained all of my pleasantness.

    I know my tongue can be sharp and can come off as bossy with my hubs. I have been working on it the past several months and both of us agree we are making progress. But I still have a long way to go. Thanks for sharing so openly-- loving this series! :-)

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    1. Praying for us both, Sharita. :) I'm so glad you are enjoying this series. I love that we are both writing on marriage. Super cool!! God is just awesome like that. Love you.

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  12. Hi Beth! I agree with Linda, great photo! And this thought of asking for a list of irritations is so daunting, I think I'd be very tempted to skip it. Yikes. I am so impressed with your husband's response. He knows how powerful that list would be, and potentially hurtful. He knows it needs a hug after discussion.

    I could really relate to the idea that our interactions at home are different than the ones in the 'outside world'. I guess that could go both ways though. The reason we can let it all fly at home is because it's so safe there. (Not an excuse for bad behavior of course.) We may be more irritated at home, but we are also infinitely more loving there as well. Learning to balance it all is a gigantic task that will take my whole life to still not get right. But I always have hope that I can be much better than I was yesterday. Especially if I dare myself to love better!
    Great post :)
    Ceil

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    1. I loved that you shared this, Ceil, about how home is a safer place for us to show our emotions. And I agree, we need to find a balance because our words always have the ability to tear our husbands down. I want to always be working towards words that build him up. Thank you so much for sharing. Much love.

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  13. Beautiful post, friend! Love your husbands heart-it so matches your own & solidifies why God brought you two together! Thank you for sharing this challenge!! Like I say every week-I love it!! ♥ Love you! ♥

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    1. Love you, Satin. I'm just so grateful God placed you in my life. {Hugs}

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  14. So much wisdom and beauty here, I had to bookmark this one so I can come back and read it a few more times. Just love this journey you're on! Love YOU! Heart Hugs, Shelly <3

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    1. You are so kind. And now you are famous. hehe!! Love you, Shelly.

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  15. What a beautiful post, Beth! Your man is truly a gift to you from God. Thank you for sharing your walk so transparently with us. Much love to you!

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    1. Thank you for following along, Holly, and for all your encouragement. Love you.

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  16. Beth,
    Enjoying the challenge of the love dare and the soul searching it is making me do. As you said, it starts with me. I have surgery this weekend, but know you and your husband will be in my prayers this Memorial Day weekend (and always). Love how you write from the heart...you inspire me!!
    Love and ((hugs)),
    Bev

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    1. Thank you, sweet friend. Saying a prayer for you and headed over to send you an email. Love you.

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  17. I just have to say that your husband's response to your question was incredibly beautiful (and wise)! What a kind and loving man! I've had those kind of discussions before and they are very productive, but they are always best "in person"! So, just as your husband said, you can hold each other at the end of the night!

    Love you, Joan

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    1. It was wise, wasn't it? I think that was what touched me most. He was much wiser than I to not go that direction. And his response was just awesomeness! Thinking of you as you prepare for your vacation. I'm super excited for you. Love you.

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  18. You... your words ... Have become high in my short "must read" list of blogs.
    Love your heart. Love love love it.
    Love how you articulate your heart.

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    1. I'm so incredibly touched by your comment, Heather. THANK YOU! I truly am grateful God brought us together in this blogging world and enjoying getting to know you better. Much love.

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  19. What a great response. I need to be reminded not to give my family the leftovers! Thank you.

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  20. I so love and enjoy reading your new challenge my dearest Beth! I too have given my family the leftovers many, many times, especially in the past. I am so grateful God has brought us together in this world of blogging. Look forward to reading more and more of your heartfelt words! Blessings and love my dear friend! xxx

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Much love to you.