Three Word Wednesday: Knowing You, Jesus

I wish today's post included news of it being eight weeks since I fell to the temptations of that slithery snake. My hope was to approach Easter morning, the end of my Lenten journey, saying I was completely free from my eating disorder. Was it an unrealistic expectation? Can complete freedom be declared in eight weeks?

There is hope. There is always hope. There is hope because of His grace.
Grace upon grace.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

I know one day I will step on the scale and be able to say, "I am a Jesus girl who can step on the scale and see the numbers as an indication of how much my body weighs and not as an indication of my worth." ~ Lysa TerKeurst, Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food

I was made for more than this. I was made for victory.

"We are made for victory. Sometimes we just have to find our way to that truth." ~ Lysa Terkeurst

Truth: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~ Psalm 139:13-14

To find my way to that truth I need to know Him better.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." ~ John 8:32

When I fail the enemy then tells me I need to try harder — do more. I’m not spending enough time in His word. I’m not praying enough. I’m not . . . enough. I wonder how many times God will forgive me for failing. Seventy times seven times?

The way to truth isn't through my works though. In the Life Application Study Bible it tells us in reference to Philippians 3:2, 3, "What believers do is a result of faith, not a prerequisite to faith."

It goes on to say, "… God values the attitude of our hearts above all else."

I’m reminded again of words said by my pastor, "The heart of the problem is a problem with the heart."

And Jesus … he specializes in transformations of the heart.

Jesus wants me to have victory. But He is more concerned with my spiritual healing than the physical healing from my eating disorder. He knows the problem is not the eating disorder — it’s a problem with my heart.

My heart continues to believe I’m not worthy of His love. The problem with my heart gets in the way of having an deeper relationship with Christ. I've been lingering at the surface with Him . . . believing what He says about me but continuing to seek the approval of others.

As Jennifer Dukes Lee writes in her book Love Idol, "My illness has become a way of life, a steady companion. Some days I feel trapped by my sickness; other days — crazy as it sounds — I can't imagine life without it." I hoped for the 46-day quick fix, a miracle of sorts, but maybe there is more He wants to teach me on my journey towards victory.

I have not arrived at my goal, "but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." ~ Philippians 3:12

As Good Friday and Easter Sunday approach I reflect on what He did for me. This overwhelms me . . . I’m overwhelmed by His grace. We sang the words to the song Knowing You (All I Once Held Dear) this past Sunday and I lifted up my head, turned my palms upwards and worshiped Him.

"Knowing you, Jesus
Knowing you, there is no greater thing
You're my all, you're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love you, Lord"
~ Knowing You, Graham Kendrick

I want to know Him. Maybe that is what He still wants to teach me. To really know who He is. To know in the deepest part of my soul there is no greater thing.

"I want to know Him inside and out. I want to experience the power of His resurrection and join in His suffering, shaped by His death, so that I may arrive safely at the resurrection from the dead." ~ Philippians 3:10-11 (Voice)

I’m devoted to following Him. I’m devoted to knowing you, Jesus. It might not look perfect. I may fail again but I will press on.

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 3:14

I was made for more than this. I was made for victory – a victory that is only found in Him.

Three Word Wednesday: Grace. Thanksgiving. Joy.

For Lent I'm giving up my eating disorder. Obviously, it's not something I plan to pick back up once Lent is over. To find complete freedom from my disorder I'm in need of a transformation of my heart. I need to put an end to the not-worthy's and not-enough's that have infected my heart for so long. As my Executive Pastor preached this past Sunday, "The heart of the problem is a problem with the heart."

Thankfully, Jesus specializes in transformations of the heart.

I've realized this Lenten journey of mine cannot only be about what I'm giving up. I need to let Christ in so He can do the transformation in my heart that He came to do. For this to happen Christ must become greater and I must become less. Let's face it, when I'm caught up in the not-worthy's and not-enough's, I've made it all about me and not about Him.

My plan from the get-go for 2014—more of Christ, less of me.

I have two primary goals for the year: 1) read through the Bible for the first time and 2) count my blessings—His gifts—1,000 gifts.

More often than I’d like to admit I push these goals to the side.

I push Him and time in His word to the side to finish a post, catch up on social media or read other blog posts. Let me do this one thing first and then I will come follow you.

Pick up my gratitude journal and pen to write down the blessings found…did I find any today?

There is not enough time to do all the things I need want to do.

I'm beginning to notice familiar infections taking root in my heart.
I feel worthless.
There is no joy.

There I go again with the not-worthy’s and not-enough’s. If I let these infections take root I know where I’m headed. I remember those days all too well—the days of wanting nothing more than to stay in bed.

Even though I'm so darn tired, I cannot ignore the pull to sit with Him. 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." ~ Matthew 11:28

So I start over again with my goals. I return to His word even when all I can muster up is lying on my bed while listening to a narrator read God's word to me.

"God saved you by his grace when you believed." ~ Ephesians 2:8a

By His grace I have been saved.

Grace. How do I respond to His amazing grace?

“Eucharist [thanksgiving] is the state of the perfect man. Eucharist is the life of paradise. Eucharist is the only full and real response of man to God’s creation, redemption, and gift of heaven.” ~ Alexander Schemann

I respond to His grace with thanksgiving.

"Grace, thanksgiving, joy. Eucharisteo.
 A Greek word…that might make meaning of everything"
 ~ Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

Maybe Ann Voskamp is on to something with the counting of His gifts…His graces…and giving thanks.

#158 ~ An early morning call from my oldest son who says amidst tears, “I need you, mom”
#159 ~ Sorrow…I pray God will use his tears to draw him closer

#165 ~ A walk…rays of sunlight, birds singing and the promise of spring
#166 ~ Beautiful sounds made by my youngest son as he strums away on his guitar

As I count His gifts…give thanks…joy returns to my heart.
A transformation of my heart begins.

Christ becomes greater.

So, yes, I will start over again. No longer will I push God to the side. (Maybe that means there is more I need to give up...those things I put before Him.) I will give thanks, in all things. And in God’s presence I know fullness of joy will be found (Psalm 16:11).

Grace. Thanksgiving. Joy.

"All is grace.
 God is always good and I am always loved.
 Everything is eucharisteo." ~ Ann Voskamp

Three Word Wednesday: My Lenten Journey

Honestly, I don’t know much about Lent. I've never participated in Lent because it sounded like another thing for me to fail at. Why then am I feeling led to give this Lent thing a try?

"I’m about to embark on a journey of the soul, and I want you to come along. When I stand in the sanctuary on Easter morning, I want to know that my whole heart has been yielded to Christ." ~ Jennifer Dukes Lee

Jennifer has written a book and it has captured my heart before even holding in my hands. Her book, Love Idol: Letting go of your need for approval—and seeing yourself through God’s eyes, releases April 1st. Find out more about her book here and join her Love Idol Movement here.

"Funny, how we can take God’s greatest gift – love – and turn it into an idol. Funny how we can twist our desire for approval, validation and significance into a false god."

I don't know when this feeling of not being worthy of love began. Maybe it started when told I had the intelligence of a dead fish. Other events replay in my head too — all of them feeding on the lie that I am not enough. Mostly, the lies come from my own negative thoughts.

Nonetheless, I've spent most of my life looking for validation elsewhere.

A friend from church, who has been a mentor to me, asks whenever we meet, "How are you doing, Beth?" She wants to know how I’m doing with letting go of my eating disorder. My answer remains the same as it did the last time she asked. "I’m doing okay." To take away some of the shame of not having a different response I tell her, "It’s better than it was."

"What steps are you taking towards freedom, Beth?"  Honestly? I’m not taking any steps. I get all tongue–tied when I try to explain why because I know when it comes down to it I’m scared to let go.

My identity — my worthiness — has been found in the number appearing on a scale for so long. What’s funny, no matter what the number reads it’s not enough. I still feel unworthy of being loved. Even when at my lowest weight, I did not feel worthy of love. Instead, I found myself lying in the bed of a mental hospital wishing I had the courage to end my life.

I've tried to find my worthiness through good works too. I volunteer for everything and anything to the point of exhaustion. It's still not enough.

And then there's my writing. I allow the number of page views or comments on a post to determine my worth. Those numbers grow but it's still not enough.

What's wrong with this picture?

I'm looking for validation in all the wrong places. The scale, good works and my writing have become love idols. If you strip away all of it and there was nothing more than who God created me to be, could I believe I was worthy of being loved?

I go back to His word...I go back to the beginning.

"So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." ~ Genesis 1:27

Do I believe God created me? Oh, yes I do. I really do.

"Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!" ~ Genesis 1:31

If I believe He created me the words "it was very good" apply to me too.

Do I live my life as though I believe?

Let’s be honest. When I look to the number on a scale for approval, I’m not living as though I believe. Continually harming my body by purging does not honor God. If I've already been PreApproved by Him, what am I doing?

I've had enough. I’m exhausted from the not-enough’s and not-worthy’s.

As Christ said on the cross when He died for my sins, "It is finished." ~ John 19:30

I’m turning off those tapes; they will no longer be replaying in my head, Jesus said, "It is finished." He died on the cross to make me new. "The old has gone, the new is here!" ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

How do I respond to what He did for me?

I’m going to join a whole other group of Jesus-sisters in taking a sledgehammer to my love idols and I’m starting with my eating disorder. The number on my scale will no longer define my worth — my scale has been shipped to my husband!

"I don’t want to miss the love I was made for — the love bleeding on Good Friday, then rising on Easter morning."

Me too, Jennifer! Me too!

Today marks the beginning of my first Lenten journey. Today I begin a journey towards freedom.

I am PreApproved by God. I am loved by God. I already have the only approval I need.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~ Psalm 139:14

Three Word Wednesday: God Created Us

God created us.

"Long before He laid down earth's foundation, God had us in mind, and had settled on us as the focus of His love..."  ~ Ephesians 1:4 (MSG)

He custom designed us.

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." ~ Psalm 139:13-16 (NLT)

He sent His son to die for us.

"For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.  God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him." ~ John 3:16-17 (NIV)

The Holy Spirit lives in us.

"And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory." ~ Ephesians 1:13-14 (NIV)

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I know I've promised to tell my story but right now those words are not coming. It leads me to believe maybe I went ahead of God's plans and that is why writing has been so hard. Maybe He wants me to be free from my past before I share those chapters with you. To find freedom I must believe in His truth.

"...you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." ~ John 8:32 (ESV)

If I believe God created me, sent His son to die for me and the Holy Spirit lives within me, why do I still question my worth?

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" ~ Mark 9:24

I desperately miss who God created me to be when I believe the lies of the enemy. So instead of focusing on the pain from my past, what if all He is asking of me is to embrace and celebrate this truth:

My life has value.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." ~ Romans 8:1

He has a purpose for my life.

"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 1:6

Would you walk with me as I ask Him to help me overcome my unbelief? Maybe you are struggling with unbelief too.

I'm no longer sure of a God-sized dream to write a book or stand and tell my story. I simply want to appreciate the gift God has given me to share my heart with you here. Instead of seeking something bigger, I need to believe this right now is enough. I need to believe in Jesus I am enough.

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God had only wonderful thoughts in mind when He created us and still does. Let's embrace and celebrate that truth!

"Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth!

Worship the Lord with gladness.

Come before him, singing with joy.

Acknowledge that the Lord is God!

He made us, and we are his.

We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving;

go into his courts with praise.

Give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the Lord is good.

His unfailing love continues forever,

and his faithfulness continues to each generation."

~ Psalm 100

His Grace is Enough

“Oh, how He loves us, oh

Oh, how He loves us, how He loves all

How He loves”

~ "How He Loves", by David Crowder

Oh how He does love us.

Scripture tells us over and over again how deeply He loves us:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. ~ John 3:16 (NIV)

God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ~ Romans 5:8 (NIV)

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved. ~ Ephesians 2:4-5 (NIV)

There is nothing we can do to earn His love and there is nothing we can do that would make Him love us less.

Read more here as I'm guest posting over at Prayers and Apples. While you are there, please take a moment to check out my friend Jessica's website and say hello.

You Are Good Enough

I'm sitting in a room full of people...a gala event in support of our troops. It's a Red, White and Blue Ball! If there is ever a place I should feel as though I belong (I'm an Army wife and  Navy mom for goodness sake), this should be the place. But those unwanted, but familiar, thoughts sneak their way into my mind. You're not pretty enough. You're not outgoing enough. You're not good enough.

Oh how feeling this way hurts.

When I find myself in this familiar place all I want to do is run. My eyes are on the door and my mind is focused on ways to escape. I look to my husband with those eyes that says, "Please take me home."

How did I get to this place of always feeling I'm not good enough? How do we all get to this place? How do we get out of this place?

I entered this gala event with a renewed confidence, but left feeling shattered.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy..." John 10:10

He surely came and successfully killed and destroyed.

If these same thoughts occupy your mind, I wish I could be the one to walk up to you with a smiling face and embrace you with love. I wish I could say to you the words that begin replaying in my head that author Holley Gerth writes in her book, You're Already Amazing.

"You're not only amazing.

You're enough.

You're beautiful.

You're wanted.

You're chosen.

You're called.

You've got what it takes...not just to survive but to change the world."

There is more to the passage I shared above from John 10:10 and it's GOOD NEWS!

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Don't let that thief (Satan) steal your joy. Turn to the one who wants to give you life to the fullest.

I wish I could tell you that was exactly what I did the night of the gala, but I will always speak the truth here. And, the truth is I ran. You could not get me out of that room quick enough.

While I chose to run, I know God wanted to embrace me. His arms were open and waiting for me. I had a choice to either let Satan take residence in my mind, or to seek God. I wrestled with this choice for the next 24 hours, but during that time God was drawing me closer to Him.

You see, I was reminded of how only He can fill those empty places in my heart. I love how Mary DeMuth speaks to this in her book, Everything. (You must read this book!) "Trust that God is big enough to shoulder every single pain and burden and injury you've ever experienced. Surrender your heart, your life, your will to Him. Let Him have His healing way with you."

Seek God with all your heart my dear friends, and let Him heal you. Let His truth fill you.

And what is His truth? Remember those words from Psalm 139:14?

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 139:14

His works ARE wonderful!

These words from Holley bring me comfort and remind me that the moment I gave my life to Christ I became so much more than enough. "We are chosen, cherished, created women who have all we need to fulfill God's plans for our lives. He has made us just as he wants us to be. We have something to offer that no one else can bring...and the world is waiting."

You are loved with an unfailing love. You are so much more than enough!

You Are Beautiful

I recently had the opportunity to feel a bit like Vivian Ward (aka Julia Roberts) in the scene from Pretty Woman where Edward (aka Richard Gere) takes her shopping. You know the scene - right? The one where she orders pizza and also proclaims, "Edward would love that tie!"

I'm not your typical female as I hate shopping. There is rarely a time I leave a shopping experience without being completely depressed. It's a dreadful experience in my opinion. But a new cocktail dress was needed for two upcoming events so off to shop I went. After stopping at multiple stores without success I made one last stop before giving up.

Oh my...this is what shopping should be like.

I was placed in a dressing room and was lavished with attention. I'd walk out with a new outfit and spin around as Vivian did. The salesperson would disappear and then return with accessories (and more outfits) to try different looks. It was GLORIOUS! I loved those oohs and aahs. I loved all the "you look marvelous" comments. I can't lie, I left that store with a huge SMILE on my face, and less money in my bank account of course.

I'm confident you would agree that we women crave to feel beautiful. Our tendency to lack confidence in our beauty leads us to crave hearing those words from another. We allow those moments of hearing those words to temporary fill us.

Here's the thing though...there is someone who wants to tell you how beautiful you are each and every moment of your day. We don't need to wait for the chance encounter of a Vivian Ward experience to feel beautiful. We don't need to wait on our hopes of hearing those oohs and aahs to believe in our beauty.

You are beautiful! These are the words God wants to tell you every time you open your heart to Him. He isn't looking to temporary fill you, He wants to completely fill you. He will completely fill you!

I reflect back on my experience and realize when I spun around in front of that mirror I was not focused on being the person God created me to be. I believed the clothes and accessories were what made me beautiful in what seemed like my thirty minutes of fame. I believed I needed to be someone different to be beautiful.

I'm not suggesting you can't enjoy an experience like this, but what I'm saying is don't wait on a moment like I had to claim your worth or beauty.

You are beautiful! Be your own kind of beautiful. A beauty that comes from God. You are "fearfully and wonderfully made" by Him.

"You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way." ~ Song of Solomon 4:7

Found through: Proverbs 31 Ministries[Orig. picture source: unfound]