For your Easter Weekend

"Father, Your heart seized shut, hanging there on the cross. You faced him who slithered sin into the beginning, satan. And crushed his head. Price paid. Sacrifice made. It is finished-our debt, our bondage, our estrangement. So You rise! You hold the keys of life and death!

It's Resurrection Sunday, Lord. But isn't every Sunday, always, a celebration of this. You commanding light to shatter the darkness? Our wonder, our gratitude, our awe draws us to celebrate this, the linchpin event of history, every seven days, over and over again. You have made us perpetually the people of the Resurrection, touching Your wounds, feeling for You... and declaring, "He is alive."

So give us courage to run, Father, great joy coursing through these veins, to tell the world! We, the Resurrection people, call the world to come see You! You who breathe before us, Who come out to meet us. We fall at Your feet and worship a risen, living, embracing God, a Saviour who lives forever with our names etched, scars, on the palm of Your hands."

~ Ann Voskamp, An Easter Devotional: Trail to the Tree

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“I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die." ~ John 11:25-26

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"So be it, O Lord; be with us unto the end; guide and strengthen us in life, and bring us safely through the valley of the shadow of death, to thy blessed presence, where is the fullness of joy forevermore!" ~ Matthew 28:20, Pulpit Commentary

This Easter, "I pray that the love of God is resurrected, reborn and renewed inside your heart."

Three Word Wednesday: Knowing You, Jesus

I wish today's post included news of it being eight weeks since I fell to the temptations of that slithery snake. My hope was to approach Easter morning, the end of my Lenten journey, saying I was completely free from my eating disorder. Was it an unrealistic expectation? Can complete freedom be declared in eight weeks?

There is hope. There is always hope. There is hope because of His grace.
Grace upon grace.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

I know one day I will step on the scale and be able to say, "I am a Jesus girl who can step on the scale and see the numbers as an indication of how much my body weighs and not as an indication of my worth." ~ Lysa TerKeurst, Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food

I was made for more than this. I was made for victory.

"We are made for victory. Sometimes we just have to find our way to that truth." ~ Lysa Terkeurst

Truth: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~ Psalm 139:13-14

To find my way to that truth I need to know Him better.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." ~ John 8:32

When I fail the enemy then tells me I need to try harder — do more. I’m not spending enough time in His word. I’m not praying enough. I’m not . . . enough. I wonder how many times God will forgive me for failing. Seventy times seven times?

The way to truth isn't through my works though. In the Life Application Study Bible it tells us in reference to Philippians 3:2, 3, "What believers do is a result of faith, not a prerequisite to faith."

It goes on to say, "… God values the attitude of our hearts above all else."

I’m reminded again of words said by my pastor, "The heart of the problem is a problem with the heart."

And Jesus … he specializes in transformations of the heart.

Jesus wants me to have victory. But He is more concerned with my spiritual healing than the physical healing from my eating disorder. He knows the problem is not the eating disorder — it’s a problem with my heart.

My heart continues to believe I’m not worthy of His love. The problem with my heart gets in the way of having an deeper relationship with Christ. I've been lingering at the surface with Him . . . believing what He says about me but continuing to seek the approval of others.

As Jennifer Dukes Lee writes in her book Love Idol, "My illness has become a way of life, a steady companion. Some days I feel trapped by my sickness; other days — crazy as it sounds — I can't imagine life without it." I hoped for the 46-day quick fix, a miracle of sorts, but maybe there is more He wants to teach me on my journey towards victory.

I have not arrived at my goal, "but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." ~ Philippians 3:12

As Good Friday and Easter Sunday approach I reflect on what He did for me. This overwhelms me . . . I’m overwhelmed by His grace. We sang the words to the song Knowing You (All I Once Held Dear) this past Sunday and I lifted up my head, turned my palms upwards and worshiped Him.

"Knowing you, Jesus
Knowing you, there is no greater thing
You're my all, you're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love you, Lord"
~ Knowing You, Graham Kendrick

I want to know Him. Maybe that is what He still wants to teach me. To really know who He is. To know in the deepest part of my soul there is no greater thing.

"I want to know Him inside and out. I want to experience the power of His resurrection and join in His suffering, shaped by His death, so that I may arrive safely at the resurrection from the dead." ~ Philippians 3:10-11 (Voice)

I’m devoted to following Him. I’m devoted to knowing you, Jesus. It might not look perfect. I may fail again but I will press on.

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 3:14

I was made for more than this. I was made for victory – a victory that is only found in Him.

Three Word Wednesday: Bread of Life

It was a long and cold winter. While it may officially be spring, it doesn't feel like spring. The absence of the sun and lack of warmer temperatures has made me weary. As said by my friend Rebekah, “Spring meet winter… winter I’d love to introduce you to spring. Your pure white coat is beautiful, but I need some colour in my life now. Please, kindly step aside.”

I agree. Step aside winter. Say hello spring.

There are other reasons for my weariness though, besides the lack of sun and warmth.

My husband is currently away serving our country in harm’s way. It’s hard—very hard. I miss him constantly.

God also laid it on my heart to give up my eating disorder for lent. Refraining from my eating disorder behaviors comes with anxiety. There are times the anxiety has me wanting to crawl out of my own skin. It’s a sensation hard to explain.

I have previously tried to let go of my eating disorder—multiple times in fact. There were one or two times I went longer than the five weeks it has now been. The day eventually came when temptation won and I failed. Satan convinced me I’m anything but beautiful and I succumbed to the ever so momentary comfort found in the behaviors of my eating disorder. It has been a cycle of seeking comfort in anything other than Christ.

What makes me think this time will be any different from the previous attempts? I don’t even have the strength of my husband to rely on. If anything, my husband being away makes the behaviors easier.

I believe God has been preparing for such a time as this (Esther 4:14). Just like Jesus taught His disciples to think differently about life, He needed to teach me to think differently. And failure was part of the learning process.

My previous attempts and failures taught me how much I need Him. If I did not fail there would be no reason to go running to Him for help. Failing brought me to my hands and knees in complete surrender saying, "I need you." Failing taught me lasting comfort can only be found in Him.

Lysa Terkeurst writes in her book Made to Crave, "God created us—with a longing to be filled. It’s a longing God instilled to draw us into deep intimacy with Him." She says "…food was never meant to fulfill the deepest places of our hearts reserved for God alone. Not on the good days. Not on the bad days. And not even on the stinkin’, rotten, horrible no good days."

In John 6:35, Jesus says, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty."

Obviously, I need the nourishment of food to sustain my physical life. The eating disorder behaviors need to stop. Jesus was not talking about physical bread though. He was telling His disciples to stop worrying about their physical needs—He would give them everything they need.

I read the verses that follow John 6:35 in the Message translation:

"Every person the Father gives me eventually comes running to me. And once that person is with me, I hold on and don’t let go. I came down from heaven not to follow my own whim but to accomplish the will of the One who sent me." ~ John 6:36-37

The word “eventually” caught my attention. As I shared earlier, Jesus needed to teach me to think differently before I was ready and willing to let go of my eating disorder and come running to Him for help. And He has been teaching me. He teaches me through time in scripture, prayer and worship. This time of learning has taught me to trust in Him and fostered a more intimate relationship.

I've learned how He does hold on and never let’s go. Because He is with me, I can accomplish the will of the One who sent Him. God’s will for me is to find freedom from that which keeps me from fully unwrapping His love for me.

"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" ~ Romans 8:32

God has prepared me for such a time as this.
I have everything I need.
I have Christ—the bread of life.
It’s going to be okay.

Three Word Wednesday: Grace. Thanksgiving. Joy.

For Lent I'm giving up my eating disorder. Obviously, it's not something I plan to pick back up once Lent is over. To find complete freedom from my disorder I'm in need of a transformation of my heart. I need to put an end to the not-worthy's and not-enough's that have infected my heart for so long. As my Executive Pastor preached this past Sunday, "The heart of the problem is a problem with the heart."

Thankfully, Jesus specializes in transformations of the heart.

I've realized this Lenten journey of mine cannot only be about what I'm giving up. I need to let Christ in so He can do the transformation in my heart that He came to do. For this to happen Christ must become greater and I must become less. Let's face it, when I'm caught up in the not-worthy's and not-enough's, I've made it all about me and not about Him.

My plan from the get-go for 2014—more of Christ, less of me.

I have two primary goals for the year: 1) read through the Bible for the first time and 2) count my blessings—His gifts—1,000 gifts.

More often than I’d like to admit I push these goals to the side.

I push Him and time in His word to the side to finish a post, catch up on social media or read other blog posts. Let me do this one thing first and then I will come follow you.

Pick up my gratitude journal and pen to write down the blessings found…did I find any today?

There is not enough time to do all the things I need want to do.

I'm beginning to notice familiar infections taking root in my heart.
I feel worthless.
There is no joy.

There I go again with the not-worthy’s and not-enough’s. If I let these infections take root I know where I’m headed. I remember those days all too well—the days of wanting nothing more than to stay in bed.

Even though I'm so darn tired, I cannot ignore the pull to sit with Him. 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." ~ Matthew 11:28

So I start over again with my goals. I return to His word even when all I can muster up is lying on my bed while listening to a narrator read God's word to me.

"God saved you by his grace when you believed." ~ Ephesians 2:8a

By His grace I have been saved.

Grace. How do I respond to His amazing grace?

“Eucharist [thanksgiving] is the state of the perfect man. Eucharist is the life of paradise. Eucharist is the only full and real response of man to God’s creation, redemption, and gift of heaven.” ~ Alexander Schemann

I respond to His grace with thanksgiving.

"Grace, thanksgiving, joy. Eucharisteo.
 A Greek word…that might make meaning of everything"
 ~ Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

Maybe Ann Voskamp is on to something with the counting of His gifts…His graces…and giving thanks.

#158 ~ An early morning call from my oldest son who says amidst tears, “I need you, mom”
#159 ~ Sorrow…I pray God will use his tears to draw him closer

#165 ~ A walk…rays of sunlight, birds singing and the promise of spring
#166 ~ Beautiful sounds made by my youngest son as he strums away on his guitar

As I count His gifts…give thanks…joy returns to my heart.
A transformation of my heart begins.

Christ becomes greater.

So, yes, I will start over again. No longer will I push God to the side. (Maybe that means there is more I need to give up...those things I put before Him.) I will give thanks, in all things. And in God’s presence I know fullness of joy will be found (Psalm 16:11).

Grace. Thanksgiving. Joy.

"All is grace.
 God is always good and I am always loved.
 Everything is eucharisteo." ~ Ann Voskamp

Three Word Wednesday: My Lenten Journey

Honestly, I don’t know much about Lent. I've never participated in Lent because it sounded like another thing for me to fail at. Why then am I feeling led to give this Lent thing a try?

"I’m about to embark on a journey of the soul, and I want you to come along. When I stand in the sanctuary on Easter morning, I want to know that my whole heart has been yielded to Christ." ~ Jennifer Dukes Lee

Jennifer has written a book and it has captured my heart before even holding in my hands. Her book, Love Idol: Letting go of your need for approval—and seeing yourself through God’s eyes, releases April 1st. Find out more about her book here and join her Love Idol Movement here.

"Funny, how we can take God’s greatest gift – love – and turn it into an idol. Funny how we can twist our desire for approval, validation and significance into a false god."

I don't know when this feeling of not being worthy of love began. Maybe it started when told I had the intelligence of a dead fish. Other events replay in my head too — all of them feeding on the lie that I am not enough. Mostly, the lies come from my own negative thoughts.

Nonetheless, I've spent most of my life looking for validation elsewhere.

A friend from church, who has been a mentor to me, asks whenever we meet, "How are you doing, Beth?" She wants to know how I’m doing with letting go of my eating disorder. My answer remains the same as it did the last time she asked. "I’m doing okay." To take away some of the shame of not having a different response I tell her, "It’s better than it was."

"What steps are you taking towards freedom, Beth?"  Honestly? I’m not taking any steps. I get all tongue–tied when I try to explain why because I know when it comes down to it I’m scared to let go.

My identity — my worthiness — has been found in the number appearing on a scale for so long. What’s funny, no matter what the number reads it’s not enough. I still feel unworthy of being loved. Even when at my lowest weight, I did not feel worthy of love. Instead, I found myself lying in the bed of a mental hospital wishing I had the courage to end my life.

I've tried to find my worthiness through good works too. I volunteer for everything and anything to the point of exhaustion. It's still not enough.

And then there's my writing. I allow the number of page views or comments on a post to determine my worth. Those numbers grow but it's still not enough.

What's wrong with this picture?

I'm looking for validation in all the wrong places. The scale, good works and my writing have become love idols. If you strip away all of it and there was nothing more than who God created me to be, could I believe I was worthy of being loved?

I go back to His word...I go back to the beginning.

"So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." ~ Genesis 1:27

Do I believe God created me? Oh, yes I do. I really do.

"Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!" ~ Genesis 1:31

If I believe He created me the words "it was very good" apply to me too.

Do I live my life as though I believe?

Let’s be honest. When I look to the number on a scale for approval, I’m not living as though I believe. Continually harming my body by purging does not honor God. If I've already been PreApproved by Him, what am I doing?

I've had enough. I’m exhausted from the not-enough’s and not-worthy’s.

As Christ said on the cross when He died for my sins, "It is finished." ~ John 19:30

I’m turning off those tapes; they will no longer be replaying in my head, Jesus said, "It is finished." He died on the cross to make me new. "The old has gone, the new is here!" ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

How do I respond to what He did for me?

I’m going to join a whole other group of Jesus-sisters in taking a sledgehammer to my love idols and I’m starting with my eating disorder. The number on my scale will no longer define my worth — my scale has been shipped to my husband!

"I don’t want to miss the love I was made for — the love bleeding on Good Friday, then rising on Easter morning."

Me too, Jennifer! Me too!

Today marks the beginning of my first Lenten journey. Today I begin a journey towards freedom.

I am PreApproved by God. I am loved by God. I already have the only approval I need.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~ Psalm 139:14