Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Scattering of Love :: Batch 5 [Cultivate a Thriving Marriage]



Ever since my husband returned home from his ten month deployment we have taken advantage of the opportunity God has given us to refresh our marriage.

With a conscious attempt to cultivate a thriving marriage, I have found many resources to assist us.

I highly recommend the book You and Me Forever by Francis and Lisa Chan. It will give you a new outlook on marriage and your relationship with God. The seven videos Francis and Lisa created to go along with the book will challenge you in mighty ways. You can even download a PDF of the book for FREE here. If you can afford to purchase a copy 100% of the net proceeds go towards various ministries.

My husband is not much of a reader but every two or three days we watch one of the videos together. As for me . . . my Kindle format of the book has become very colorful.

With my husband's deployment (thankfully now over), he is required to attend several Yellow Ribbon events. The events are held pre-deployment and post-deployment. The spouse is encouraged to attend too. At these events, educational sessions and resources are provided to help the service member and family through each phase of a deployment.

We attended our first post-deployment Yellow Ribbon event this past weekend. (I am much happier to be in the post-deployment phase.)

One of the break-out sessions was called “Making Relationships Work.” The session was based off of the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work written by John Gottman. In the book Gottman speaks to how positive relationships invest an extra five hours each week in their marriages. He refers to this as the “Magic Five Hours.”

Hubs and I are trying out Gottman’s approach and so far it has proven to add some fun to our days. I thought I would take a moment to share how you too can work the “magic five hours” into your marriage or relationship.

1) Try a six-second kiss at the beginning of the day and learn something interesting about your spouse (Math: 2 minutes x 5 days = 10 minutes)

2) Give another six-second kiss at the end of the day and have a conversation about your day. (Math: 20 minutes x 5 days = 1 hour and 40 minutes)

3) Find ways to compliment your spouse (i.e. use "I admire" or "I appreciate" statements). (Math: 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes)

4) Show physical affection for your spouse, whatever you define this to be, and learn your partner's love language. (Math: 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes)

5)  Set a date night once a week to connect, dream, plan and enjoy each other's company. (Math: 2 hours per week)

These small things can allow for significant changes and growth in your marriage. Why not give them a try? Oh my goodness, holding a kiss for six seconds is pure delight!

Note: I have not read the book by Gottman so this is simply me passing along wisdom from the seminar we attended.

They best way to cultivate a thriving marriage . . . read the Bible together. You could even use Bible Gateway to have a narrator read to you. These ten minutes with my husband every morning (almost every morning) have become my favorite time of the day.

What ways do you cultivate a thriving marriage?

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20 comments :

  1. Love this, Beth. Cultivating a thriving marriage is near and dear to my heart. You and Me Forever is my next read!

    I would say the best thing we've done to cultivate a thriving marriage was to move away from our immediate families. This has forced us to focus on our own marriage without constant input from our parents. It may sound extreme, but we knew it was the only way it would work for us.

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    1. Thank you, Jill. I have been slow to respond to comments but so appreciate you stopping by. I appreciated what you said about moving away from immediate families. I get it. I really do. Blessings to you, friend. xoxo

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  2. Hi Beth! I may have mentioned that my SIL is a social worker, and he LOVES John Gottman. He has suggested the Love Languages to me to read on several occasions, and I have to admit I haven't done so. But he really admires this man, so I can believe that it's a powerful tool to enhance a marriage.

    I'm glad you are on the other side of deployment too. It seems like you both would be wonderful resources for retooling and being dedicated to your marriage promise. I think God will use you in powerful ways that you may never even know about...
    Peace to you and your house my friend. May God continue to inspire you each day,
    Ceil

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    1. I have only read bits and pieces of the Love Language but do hope to read it in it's entirety one day. My daughter-in-law recently read it and very much enjoyed.
      You are in my thoughts and prayers, Ceil. Glad to know there is less pain!!!
      xoxo

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  3. Thank you for this glimpse into you and for sharing relationship building. What a joy for you to be together with your husband. What a joy to be able to build your marriage into something even better. Love and hugs!

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  4. Beth,
    I guess we're still "newlyweds", but one of the times I enjoy most in our marriage is our reading our devotional and scripture together and discussing it over breakfast. What a great note to start my day on! Thanks for the other ideas to help cultivate a thriving marriage. What a great testimony - how your marriage has not only survived, but is thriving!!
    Love and ((hugs)) to you my friend,
    Bev

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    1. Always grateful for your encouragement, Bev. I have kind of felt as though hubs and I are in the "newlywed" place again. So glad to be walking with God this time around. Much love to you. (((hugs)))

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  5. Love it, Beth! The hubs and I are big fans of Francis Chan, so You and Me Forever is now officially on my list ;) And we have been ending the day with devotions and prayers for each other and it. is. so. nice. Thank you for sharing this info with us! Smiles and Hugs!!!

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    1. You will absolutely LOVE the book, Lauren. It's SO SO good. Powerful. I cannot recommend it enough. Makes me smile to read when other couples are in His word together. It's such a beautiful thing. Much love. xoxo

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  6. Your post reminded me of a time in Women's Bible Study with my favorite teacher, Patricia. She was in her early 60's at the time and married a long time. But to revive her marriage, she told us she approached her husband and suggested they kiss for one minute. The kiss was a kicker and we all laughed because old married folks just aren't into long kisses anymore. I considered it "homework" and approached my man. One minute is a long time!!!!!
    God bless you, Beth!
    Mary

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    1. I tell you, that six second kiss is AWESOME. I told me husband this morning that it gives me goosebumps every time now. :)
      Blessings to you, Mary.

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  7. I'm going to download that book right now. What fun 5 things to do with you spouse, I think if we tried to kiss for 6 seconds we would end up laughing :) I'm so glad your man is back and you both are adjusting to life together again.
    Take care, friend. xoxo

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    1. Ditto what I said above to Mary. You will eventually move past the laughing and LOVE that six seconds kiss. xoxo

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  8. Dear Beth ... I love your focus on intentionally, purposefully pursuing a growing relationship with our spouses. Too often, they bring up the rear and take last place to all the demands on our energy and attention. Sooner or later, they can't help but look elsewhere to get their needs, whatever they might be, met.

    It's been almost 38 years around here. I want to be together for the rest of our lives. So there might be some things I need to put aside here and there to keep on growing this commitment I treasure.

    Thanks for the encouragement to go there, friend ...

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    1. A phrase my friend always says . . . there is always more. And there is always more God has to teach us as it relates to our marriages too. So glad he's never done with us.
      Love you, friend.
      xoxo

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  9. These are wonderful tips, Beth! Thank you for the book resources as well. I pinned this so I can look into them further. My marriage definitely needs some time invested in it. We get so caught up in the day to day and kids, we forget to make enough time for each other. I'm so glad you are able to have this time to cultivate your marriage. You and your husband so deserve this special time together!
    I love the idea of reading the Bible together. My husband knows it so well while I'm very new to God's Word. I'm going to try to work this into our day. I really appreciate how well he can explain sections to me when I get confused, which is often :).

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    1. Marriage really does take being intentional. It's not always easy but it's worth it. And I will be praying for you and your husband to have some time in His word together!!! Blessings to you, Candace. xoxo

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  10. We work on our marriage all the time, Beth. After our relationship with God we make US a priority. But we have slacked off a little on planning date nights and your post is a good reminder to get creative!! Thanks, friend.

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  11. Hi Beth! I think you are right on when you say it takes TIME to cultivate our marriages. I'd heard of the Gottman book before from Modern Mrs. Darcy--in fact I think she has a graphic that communicates the 5 things--so it catches my attention to hear about it a second time. Blessings on you as you enjoy having your husband back (and get used to the work of investing in your relationship too! :-) )

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