He makes all things new

I married my husband again this past Saturday and our special day was everything we wanted it to be and more so.

My cup runneth over.

It’s hard to decide where to begin. How could I possibly describe our day from start to end in one post? Maybe it does not need to be one post.

A little side note: it feels strange to return here with it being so long since I last wrote. But now is not the time to talk about the uncertainty of this blog's future. I shall continue to leave it in God’s hands.

When my husband and I first met with our Executive Pastor to tell him of our desire to renew our wedding vows, we expressed how we wanted the day to be all about God. The renewal of our vows was not about us but about what God had done in our lives and in our marriage since we accepted Jesus Christ as our Savior. All praise and glory for the twenty-five years we celebrate together must go to Him.

And all praise and glory did go to Him.

He shall even receive all praise and glory for working out every single detail as we planned for our special day. As I look back, I see how He filled the gaps by sending just the right person at just the right time to come along side of us to think of the one detail we had not yet thought of. He guided us in the decision making process and kept us free from worry… with Him at the center our day would be everything He wanted it to be. It would be what He always intended for this day was written in His book long ago.

I realized the evening before we would marry again that we were about to do the very thing Satan had tried to prevent for twenty-five years. Satan decided to step up his game, friends. But our God is stronger.

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

After a difficult night, on the morning of our vow renewal day I gathered our family around an oak table in the living room with our hands held tightly together and declared to Satan, “You are not welcome here. You will not steal our joy. We know how the story goes… God wins. And He wins here today too.”

A few hours later I stood in the dressing room of our venue in a wedding dress God had chosen specifically for me with my eyes closed and listened to family and friends in the room next to me join our worship team in singing:

“Let our praise be Your welcome
Let our songs be a sign
We are here for You, we are here for You

Let Your breath come from heaven
Fill our hearts with Your life
We are here for You, we are here for You”

Here For You, by Matt Redman

We welcomed God into that place. His presence filled the room. It was all about Him, just as it should be.

Then our two children, now young adults, each put an arm in one of mine and together we took the walk I had been anxiously waiting to take toward my husband. As we walked across a lovely white runner, which included the words from Mark 10:9 thanks to my mother, our voices continued to give Him praise as we sang:

“For all Your goodness
I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons
For my heart to find”

10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord), by Matt Redman

Oh yes, God. There are ten thousand reasons and more for my heart to find.

How do I describe the emotions which came as I reached out my hand to take my husband’s hand in mine with our boys standing beside us, with family and friends surrounding us and with God in our midst? I loved my husband so very much on the day when we first said “I do” but never did I imagine how my love for him would grow over the next twenty-five years. Only God could write such a story.

There is so much more to share with you. Isn’t that so like God? With Him, there is always more. And I will share the “more” with you as time allows and as we receive photos from our photographer.

For now, can you guess how our ceremony ended? From the moment we decided to renew our vows, we knew the ceremony could end only one way. We turned toward our family and friends with joy overflowing and sang, “How Great is Our God!”

Our special day was much more than a renewal of our vows. God gave us a new marriage; a transformation only He could do. All praise and glory went to Him and will continue to go to Him.

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A peek inside our wedding album

The last few posts have been on the heavier side so how about we lighten it up a bit by taking a trip down memory lane to my wedding day. With less than three months until the day when my husband and I renew our vows to celebrate 25 years of marriage, I reflect on this day a lot.

We were oh so young 25 years ago . . .

My parents. And my beautiful mother actually made the dress she wore.

We have referred to our wedding as the "big hair wedding" and this reveals why. 

My grandma, who we miss so very much.

I do not plan to wear heals this time around!

Too funny (notice the exit sign) . . . probably one of hubs favorite pictures. Hehe.

My husband with his parents. His mother is also missed dearly.

Reverend Russ Koenig (on the left) also married my parents. He too is missed.

One of my favorite pictures. Our oldest son was 4 months old when we married.

A gorgeous fall day!

Our wedding party.

Toyota Jump! Another favorite of my husbands.

Cheers!

These ten fabulous ladies are still dear friends of mine.

My absolute favorite picture from our wedding day.

I love that my favorite picture looks rather similar to the photo taken when I welcomed my husband home from Afghanistan. The kiss above is the beginning of our life together and the kiss below led us to the decision to renew our vows. The ten months apart taught us what a precious gift God has given us . . . each other! To express our gratitude we want to say before Him, and also before our family and friends, "We Still Do."

We will do the whole deployment thingy again soon which is the main reason we are renewing our vows in September instead of October. We married in October 1990. Can I just say, preparing for a second deployment does not feel easier. But we can do all things through him who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13).

If you're a new visitor, you can watch my husband's first welcome home here.

Thank you, friends, for your love and support! You are a blessing to me.

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Seasons, Chapters and Choosing Love

I recently wrote about our old oak table and the memories which surround the table. My time of reflection brought me to conclude we need to hold on to our table. The table has actually since undergone a makeover.

Trips down memory lane happen frequently for me these days. And those trips take me back to the different seasons of my life. Like different seasons of the year, God takes us through different seasons throughout our time here on earth.

A while back, my friend Holly sent me a Voxer message after reading a post I had written on the book I dream about (every writer’s dream, I believe). The book would likely be a collection of stories from my years of marriage. Holly suggested the chapter titles simply be a particular year of my marriage. Her suggestion resonated with me.

Basically, the different seasons of our marriage would become chapters.

I don't imagine the book would be a chapter for every year of my marriage but it could highlight the years when I believe God did something profound, grew our faith and trust in Him or prepared us for a new chapter.

My book choices lately are ones written by Shauna Niequist. I loved her book Bread and Wine so I decided to continue with a Shauna theme by reading Cold Tangerines and Bittersweet. I completed Cold Tangerines and have a hundred pages or so left to read in Bittersweet.

In the chapter titled “Sea Dreams” of Bittersweet, Shauna writes, “Sometimes we have to leave home in order to find out what we left there and why it matters so much.”

Her words speak to a chapter in my marriage; a chapter when I left my husband and home. This chapter would be titled "1999." Whenever I reflect on this chapter I try to do so without regret. Of course, it breaks my heart to recall the hurt I caused my husband. At the same time, I do believe the act of leaving allowed me to discover what I had left and why he mattered so much.

Thankfully, 1999 ended with God having grander plans for the next chapter – 2000 – a chapter which included a fight for my marriage.

We appear to be on the edge of another chapter ending. It too relates to the words written by Shauna. The second part of those words may end differently though. I tread lightly here because this chapter ending doesn't relate to my marriage. On the other hand, it impacts our family and lays heavy on my heart.

As one chapter potentially ends, God teaches me how each chapter matters.

In a video series, Living Life Together featuring Shauna Niequist, Shauna says in the second video of the series that “our stories are stories of who God is.” God is love. And God calls us to love. We love no matter what the future may hold for a relationship. I have the choice to look back with regret for years spent loving someone and now consider it as time wasted. I also have the choice to be grateful for the chapter they were a part of. And I can be more like Christ by choosing love amidst the sorrow of their loss.

Every chapter matters because whether it’s a chapter filled with joy or sorrow we have the opportunity to glorify Him. It’s another chapter of our life which tells of who He is.

The year 2015 would surely be another chapter in my book. It's shaping out to be a profound year of God awakening us to His love, faithfulness and every day graces. The year has been full of good and hard moments and we haven’t even made it halfway through the year. Yet, we experience God’s love and faithfulness, maybe even greater so when He walks with us through the hard.

While 2015 may include a less fortunate ending for people we love, the marriage between my husband and I, which came close to an end back in 1999, will celebrate 25 years in October. All praise and glory goes to God.

This reflection reminds me not to limit what God can do. His ways are not our ways and many times far exceed our understanding. So I will choose to love through what may be an end of a chapter.

While I might guard my heart more closely, I will not close my heart to choosing love again no matter how this chapter ends or the next one begins.

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Scattering of Love :: Batch 5 [Cultivate a Thriving Marriage]

Ever since my husband returned home from his ten month deployment we have taken advantage of the opportunity God has given us to refresh our marriage.

With a conscious attempt to cultivate a thriving marriage, I have found many resources to assist us.

I highly recommend the book You and Me Forever by Francis and Lisa Chan. It will give you a new outlook on marriage and your relationship with God. The seven videos Francis and Lisa created to go along with the book will challenge you in mighty ways. You can even download a PDF of the book for FREE here. If you can afford to purchase a copy 100% of the net proceeds go towards various ministries.

My husband is not much of a reader but every two or three days we watch one of the videos together. As for me . . . my Kindle format of the book has become very colorful.

With my husband's deployment (thankfully now over), he is required to attend several Yellow Ribbon events. The events are held pre-deployment and post-deployment. The spouse is encouraged to attend too. At these events, educational sessions and resources are provided to help the service member and family through each phase of a deployment.

We attended our first post-deployment Yellow Ribbon event this past weekend. (I am much happier to be in the post-deployment phase.)

One of the break-out sessions was called “Making Relationships Work.” The session was based off of the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work written by John Gottman. In the book Gottman speaks to how positive relationships invest an extra five hours each week in their marriages. He refers to this as the “Magic Five Hours.”

Hubs and I are trying out Gottman’s approach and so far it has proven to add some fun to our days. I thought I would take a moment to share how you too can work the “magic five hours” into your marriage or relationship.

1) Try a six-second kiss at the beginning of the day and learn something interesting about your spouse (Math: 2 minutes x 5 days = 10 minutes)

2) Give another six-second kiss at the end of the day and have a conversation about your day. (Math: 20 minutes x 5 days = 1 hour and 40 minutes)

3) Find ways to compliment your spouse (i.e. use "I admire" or "I appreciate" statements). (Math: 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes)

4) Show physical affection for your spouse, whatever you define this to be, and learn your partner's love language. (Math: 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes)

5)  Set a date night once a week to connect, dream, plan and enjoy each other's company. (Math: 2 hours per week)

These small things can allow for significant changes and growth in your marriage. Why not give them a try? Oh my goodness, holding a kiss for six seconds is pure delight!

Note: I have not read the book by Gottman so this is simply me passing along wisdom from the seminar we attended.

They best way to cultivate a thriving marriage . . . read the Bible together. You could even use Bible Gateway to have a narrator read to you. These ten minutes with my husband every morning (almost every morning) have become my favorite time of the day.

What ways do you cultivate a thriving marriage?

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Every Writer's Dream :: The Book I Dream About

I do not mention it here often. Actually, I’m not sure if I have ever mentioned it here before. But a dream does dwell in my heart to write a book. Not shocking for someone who calls herself a writer, right?

There's a better chance you have heard me say I have no desire to write a book.

The process of writing a book does not appeal to me at all. It sounds more appealing to sit down with a "real" writer to tell them our story and have them write our book.

On occasion my husband will ask about "the book." However, when he brings up the topic he refers to it as my book and not our book. I give him the same response every time: It's our story; our book. He still says: "It's your book; our story."

Please do not misunderstand me. My husband supports telling our story. His point of view is simply that I am the writer, which makes it my book. My hope rests on his willingness to contribute his words too. In my opinion, the story would be incomplete without a contribution from him. The way he saw events matters to the whole of the story.

Only God knows if there will be a book. Maybe it's my desire and not His.

The topic of "the book" came up again last weekend. We were celebrating the New Year and our dating anniversary with an evening out on the town (downtown Chicago). For his Christmas present, I booked us a hotel room at the very place where he proposed to me. His proposal happened twenty-five years ago on December 16, 1989.

What a journey the twenty-five years have been. We have quite the story; a story I believe would make for a compelling book.

My husband asked me, as we waited to be seated at our table for dinner, if I had a title for my book.

Our book, my love.

There's no title. I am not even sure how one begins to write a book. It's only a dream.

He says to me, "You know writing a book means reliving those hard moments? Are you ready to go there? Do you remember everything? Do you remember . . .?"

He retells events he remembers while tears welled up in his eyes. There was forgiveness but the events have not been removed from his memory.

Our story includes two separations. Both separations were my decision. The first separation lasted a full year. We were separated the year of 1999. It's a year I would rather forget. The year holds lots of painful memories. Shameful memories. I was at my lowest.

A writing friend reminds us "when we let go of our yuck, God will replace it with a crown of beauty."

I reached over to my husband and placed my hand on his. My response to his tears was similar to my friends.

We have a But God story. Because of God, and with God, we overcame.  God used our mistakes to show us a new and better way. God gave us a new story. 

Julie Ackerman Link writes in January 6th of Our Daily Bread devotional, "Instead of magnifying every mistake, we can turn them into beautiful acts of forgiveness, healing, and redemption." She ends her post with these words: "Jesus longs to turn our mistakes into amazing examples of His grace."

And all God’s people said, Amen!

Our story, my love, is a But God story. He took our shattered pieces and made something beautiful instead.

“God has sent me to give them a beautiful crown in exchange for ashes, To anoint them with gladness instead of sorrow, to wrap them in victory, joy, and praise instead of depression and sadness.” Isaiah 61:3 (Voice)

Our book (if this dream comes to be) will share the mistakes made but it will not magnify them. It will be hard to look back on those mistakes. In the end, God’s beauty will be seen in both the sharing of our mistakes and in the redemption found through Him. Our But God story is one filled with "beautiful acts of forgiveness, healing and redemption" (Our Daily Bread). It's in our telling that others will discover His Kingdom is truly all about His grace and healing.

Maybe the title of our book should be: But God. They are my two favorite words in the Bible for they are always followed by good news.

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Peace in Waiting

I've come to this space multiple times the past week to share my heart with you but I do not know exactly what I want to say or how to say it. There has been contemplating and even drafting of a post to tell you of a decision to step away from blogging for a while.

Is stepping away really what I want? Is it what God wants? I know you would tell me it's okay not to know and to wait on Him.

I have told you of my desire to connect at a deeper level. How do we actually connect deeper though?

We could connect beyond our blogs through emails, phone calls, Skype or even Voxer. Are you on Voxer? It’s rather cool. Admittedly, I'm not great with responding to emails in a timely manner and it can take me a few days to Vox you back.

I know what my heart wants. I know what my heart needs. The how remains unclear. It could have something to do with how my heart dances with delight when you join me at a table, any table, and we connect face to face.

Oh, if only we could all gather around a table together. How can we create a deeper sense of community right here without a physical table to gather at? I would love your thoughts because I long for this deeper connection.

I recently spent three hours at a Starbucks with another Army wife whose husband deployed with mine. We decided to share a cup of coffee while we waited for our husbands to complete required training before the unit gathered together to celebrate Christmas. We did not lack reasons to celebrate with our loved ones now home.

For three hours we sit across a table from one another. We talked mostly about God, His grace, how He has changed us and how He continues to work in our lives. It was such a rich conversation. I walked away blessed. I need more of this.

****

There are moments when it feels like God has me doing a lot of waiting.

Waiting ten months for my husband to return home
Waiting for our son to return home
Waiting for the right words to come
Waiting for Him to reveal His plans for me
Waiting for Him to reveal His plans for us

In this season of Advent we all wait for the coming of His son.

The waiting though, it's okay. Even in the waiting God moves. What he is doing in and through me -- through us -- right now matters.

I feel His presence.

If all I know right now is His presence, without any answers for what comes next, that is enough. What’s better than knowing His presence dwells within me?

He reveals more than His presence to me.

He speaks to my heart. His biggest work is done in our hearts. A slower-paced life these days (the usual frenzy of the season has not caught up to me) allows for me to hear Him better. I am growing more accustomed to seeking Him first and seeking Him often. There are times when I question if it’s Him I hear. But I know. I really do.

I have an inner peace mixed with all kinds of emotions. His Holy Spirit moves within me in new, albeit exciting and also confusing at times, ways.

It can only be Him for I find myself coming undone over and over again. It can only be Him.

In the quiet moments when I stop to be still an unspeakable joy fills my heart. I find an undeniable trust for the One who holds all the details of what's to come in His hands.

I've grown fonder of waiting.

There are no regrets for the ten months I spent waiting for my husband to return home. If God required that period of waiting for Him to do what He now does between us I would do it all over again, if He asked us to do again.

He does not waste a thing.
He does not waste a moment.

This waiting . . . waiting for the coming of His son . . . waiting for what comes next . . . I can trust His purposefulness in this waiting.

I can have peace in waiting.

“I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)

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P.s. I want to take a moment to recommend a blogging coach to you, friends. Today I spent thirty minutes on the phone with Linda and was thoroughly blessed by our time together. She is good, really good. She encourages. She has a gift for making sense out of ones ramblings. She got to the heart of my ramblings. She simply rocks. Check her out here. She's worth the investment.

Messy and Beautiful Love

I planned a getaway for us while my husband’s boots still stood on foreign soil; on enemy soil. After some research, I discovered the American Club in Kohler, Wisconsin offered fifty percent off their room rates for Veterans over the Veterans Day holiday. The American Club happens to be where we spent our honeymoon twenty-four years ago.

Something seemed so right about going back to where our journey began.

On the way to our destination, we stopped for lunch at this cute fish restaurant which sat along Lake Michigan in Port Washington, Wisconsin. Our conversation over lunch consisted of reminiscing and also sharing our hopes and dreams for the future.

We talked about simple things too, like the list of 31 FREE Things To Do With Your Spouse For Fun found on Tricia Goyer’s blog.  We have plans to conquer all 31 things.

I lost track early on of how many times I told him, I love you, Dear.

We laughed over how little we remembered of our time in Kohler twenty-four years ago. We were twenty-one years old at the time. For the most part, all we remember is how anxious we were to return home to our four-month old son.

Neither of us felt anxious to return home this time around. With our four days away now behind us, I can also say I don’t expect either of us to have difficulty remembering this trip.

Does the name Kohler ring any bells? Think lovely kitchens and bathrooms. The loveliest ones you can imagine most likely include Kohler products. All sleeping rooms at the American Club, a five-star resort, include fancy sinks, showers and tubs. It’s glorious! Kohler, Wisconsin is a quaint and lovely town in and of itself.

When the bathtub in your room includes a blissful water experience via KOHLER Hydrotherapy (i.e. glorious whirlpool) it must be utilized. Yes, I am going there with this post. Our first night ended with the two of us naked in that tub.

But with all seriousness, it has nothing to do with the point of this post.

I had a rather messy moment in that bathtub but it ended with sheer beauty. God has this way of taking our messes and making them beautiful.

I could claim I panicked due to an unusual fear of water. More than likely it had much more to do with intense body image issues which have contributed to years of struggling with intimacy. It did not take long for me to want out of our glorious tub.

Instead, my husband turned me around so my back would face him. He took a sponge and began to gently scrub my back to calm my nerves and elevate those all too familiar insecurities.

I thanked him for how he loves me. I thanked him for his kindness and patience. His response, “I wasn’t always this way, Beth. I was not kind. I was not patient.” With my back toward my husband, tears rolled down my cheeks.  At the same time though, the nerves and insecurities were no longer present. They vanished as quickly as they started.

Remember how I said God takes the messy and makes something beautiful? The messy stuff is part of the story He writes. If we took away all the messy parts of our journey, would we see the depth of beauty God has created in our marriage? Without the messy parts would we have learned what it means to love one another? If we took away all the messy parts would we have realized our need for God?

Marriage is hard. It's messy. It never stops being hard and messy. Give me both though. I would not change one single scene of the story God has written for us and I trust Him with the story He continues to write.

Maybe you are still wondering what message I am trying to leave with you. Maybe it’s a message for those couples who are knee deep in mess. And my message for you is . . . Do not lose hope. Do not give up. Trust in God. Let Him help you write a better story. He will take all the messy stuff and create something more beautiful than you could ever imagine.

I believe the more deep the mess the more beautiful He’s able to create.

Trust in Him.

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