Pursuing Authenticity

Coffee dates with girlfriends are one of my most favorite activities. Those two hours because they always tends to be at least two hours in length are such a time of blessing and encouragement. And I'd like to believe we both walk away equally encouraged, although I often fear I do too much of the talking and need to practice listening more.

The topic of writing came up at a recent coffee date. My sweet friend extended words of affirmation regarding my writing and encouraged me to be in prayer about returning to writing.

Honestly... I have discovered I have a fear of writing. Maybe not a fear of actually writing but a fear of the emotions that tend to come when I write -- a fear of returning to another place where I allow "not good enough" to reign. I also question if God is calling me to write. What if God is saying no to something I want? But what if this is something God is calling me to and I am letting fear win?

Could I put those questions aside, for now, and simply write? I raised the topic with my therapist and she asked, "could writing be an avenue towards healing, and could you write without placing any expectations on yourself and simply write for you?"

I think the question I need to answer is, could I simply be me and not allow writing to be another wrestle for worthiness?

Months ago I received two copies of the Magnolia Journal in the mail. On the front of the cover it read, "The World Needs Who You Were Made To Be." I saw God's hand in delivering two copies of this issue to my mailbox. He knows my thoughts - He knows exactly where they go -- the world needs someone else, not me.

I have read three Brené Brown books over the past seven months, and I'm currently reading #4.

Braving the Wilderness—Belonging.
The Gifts of Imperfection—Be you.
Daring Greatly—Be all in.
Rising Strong—Fall. Get up. Try again.

In her book Rising Strong as she writes about how one of the "truisms" for living wholeheartedly, she say,“You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” ~ Brené Brown

Friends, I need to be done with the hustle for worthiness. For me that comes with being authentic about the struggle (depression, anxiety and an eating disorder) but also having the courage to show up and simply be who God made me to be. As Brené also says, "to let go of who I think I'm supposed to be and embrace who I am."

But to embrace who I am - who God created me to be - I know that involves getting to know my deepest, most authentic self, and doing the hard work of engaging (or reckoning and rumbling) with my emotions. There are so many layers to break through. At the core though, as Michelle DeRusha writes in her book True You, "my identity as a child of God is everything. I know without that, I have nothing; without that, I am nothing."

Our church recently did a sermon series on 2 Corinthians. In the first chapter of 2 Corinthians we see the God of All Comfort in the first several versus. We see how suffering is an opportunity for God to work through us - that His strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

But we have a choice to make - will our principle identity be found in God or in our suffering? For me, I've allowed my identify to be placed in not-enough. But God says I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and that I am more valuable than many sparrows (Matthew 10:31). Faith is believing Him - trusting in Him. I am who He says I am!

There is a connection in all this that I am trying to make. If only the words would pour out more clearly. Maybe it's in what I said to my pastor following his sermon, "The enemy is attacking me from every angle but he will not win. Though I may be stumbling, I know God will not let me fall. He continues to uphold me. I know in this season of suffering (where the lies are louder than the truth) He is doing something in and through me. I know and trust He will do a new thing. For I know our God is good and He is faithful to all that He promises.

I feel like much is left unsaid when I make the attempt to express myself. I tend to think I'm not making sense but I have been told my perception in that thinking is not accurate. Oh how I'm working on trusting -- trusting in Him -- trusting He will do more than I can ask or imagine with this offering.

Can I end with this? Words from the beautiful Ann Voskamp -- "God is good and you are always loved."

The Bible: Real Places, People and Time

I have heard people say the stories in the Bible are not real stories. The stories have been referred to as either mythological or a collection of fables. Jesus walked on this earth and did tremendous things but is He really the Son of God? Was He really raised from the dead? And what about the stories in the Old Testament? Are they all just stories?

Years ago I had a conversation with a pastor about the parting of the Red Sea. I told him of my struggle to make sense of it. The pastor responded to my doubts saying, "Beth, it's only a story." Maybe I misunderstood his response. One thing I can say for certain though, the conversation led me to believe God’s parting of the Red Sea was nothing more than a story; He did not really part the Red Sea.

It has been over fifteen years since the conversation with the pastor. I now know every word in the Bible is God-breathed. Every word is truth. Every story in the Bible, Old and New Testament, is about real places, real people and real time.

Every story is a real story. The parting of the Red Sea... God did just that.

When the conversation with the pastor took place I was in the midst of the hardest time in my life. I had left my husband. I barely stood at the weight of somewhere between 90-100 pounds. If I had more bravery I would have chosen death over life. Friends, choosing life is brave. Depression and an eating disorder, which in itself could have taken my life, were my Red Sea.

What if I had been told God really did part the Red Sea for Moses and the Israelites? What if I had been told the Bible is all Scripture breathed out by God (2 Timothy 3:16). What if I had been told the truth of the Gospel right there and then?

“But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.” (Titus 3:4-7)

I needed to believe in God. I needed to believe Jesus Christ was the Son of God who died for my sins, was buried, and rose again on the third day. I needed to believe God could part my Red Sea and bring me safely over to the other side.

How would have knowing this truth fifteen years ago changed my life?

Let me be clear, I believe I came to know Jesus Christ and His saving grace in the exact way and time He intended. I might not understand why it happened the way it did but when we choose to follow Jesus it's not for logic or reason. Most of the time the call to follow Him will not make sense. He asks us to put our trust in Him and follow despite lack of logic or reason.

Here’s the truth, we are not saved by simply believing Jesus walked on this earth. We are saved when we believe in who He said He was (the Son of God) and what He claimed He would do and did (save the world). We are saved through faith in Him.

This faith includes believing every word in the Bible comes from the mouth of God. And every word gives us life and life to the fullest (John 10:10)

I no longer question the truth of His word. The question on my heart is who, Lord, in my life stands at their Red Sea wondering if You could really fight for them like You really did fight for Moses and the Israelites? Like You fought for me?

“The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent” Exodus 14:14.

If I want God more than anything else this must include wanting others to know Him and the truth of His Word more than anything else.

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The Unchanging One

I must admit, I remain unsure of God's desire for me when it comes to writing. It stays low on my priority list. Maybe I expect the process and results to be similar to what it once was. Maybe God seeks to teach me to simply trust in Him.

So I write when I sense He's prompting me to write. If time between posts become days, weeks or months, all will be well. If readership plummets from inconsistency (or the other things which can positively impact readership) all will be well. If grammar and punctuation are downright awful, all will be well. It needs to be because I'm done with the fight to be something or someone I am not.

Just write and trust Me. Honestly, the writing part can be harder than the trust part. I do not know where to begin with the writing. I know Him, at least better than I once did, and I know He can be trusted.

Now, if we sat together over coffee I would likely ramble on and on. Our time together might come to an end with me wondering if I allowed adequate time for you to spill your guts out too. I dislike the thought that I may have made it all about me. I want to hear from you too… I really do. Please God, whatever I said, may it have pointed to You.

I have much to tell you. God continues to transform me in mighty ways. Discover could be my one word for 2016, if I were to choose a word. I discover new truths about myself and also about God. The truths about me are not easy to accept yet necessary.

The truths about God... Oh may we not be done uncovering more truths about God until the day He brings us home and reveals all the mysteries.

I see God in all things. I hope I point to God in all things. Like when I admit to a heart struggle, I hope you know my faith remains grounded in who He is and His promises. There are admittedly days when I am shaken. But when those days come, I know where to go: Gods Word, prayer and godly friends.

I wrote the first part of this post several weeks ago and I now chuckle over the title I chose. Only God could know how much the truth of how He's unchanging would be needed right now. Because truthfully, friends, I struggle lately with change. And I struggle with good change, which seems so crazy.

For reasons, I have said little about my husband's deployment in this space. However, if we are friends on Facebook you may have caught wind of news that my husband is back in the states. This happened much sooner than planned. I obviously prefer his boots be planted on U.S. soil rather than foreign, unsafe soil.

But this is a change from laid out plans and I often do not handle change well.

The previous plan: I would see him again September-ish. I did not love this plan but I had accepted it and fallen into somewhat of a routine.

The new plan: there is no plan. He's not home and I don't know when he will be home. He's back due to medical issues (not life threatening but significant enough for the mission to end early for him.) and we do not have answers on how the medical issues will be addressed.

He's been back for several days and now resides only 7 hours away from me (we are actually in the same time zone) but we wait for our chance to see each other. I'd love for it to be easy to pack up and go, but it's not.

[Thankfully we now have a plan in place to see each other soon.]

His unplanned return impacts other plans too. Please don't hear me wrong, this is not a complaint; just truth.

Bottom line: the changes, the unknown and the waiting have shaken me some.

The truths I cling to are:

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8 (NIV)

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 (NIV)

"The grass withers, and the flowers fade, but the word of our God endures forever." Isaiah 40:8 (NIV)

"The Lord's plans stand firm forever; His intentions can never be shaken." Psalm 33:11 (NLT)

It is well with my soul, friends. It really, really is. But it is well with my soul only because of who He is and because I am His. No matter the changes, unknowns or time of waiting, that truth is enough for me.

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Not Writer's Block [and God's goodness]

The fewer posts are not a result of writers block. It has nothing to do with not having anything to write about. As I wrote in my last post, there’s a wrestle that happens when I write but maybe the wrestle will always be there. Maybe it has to do with how God created me. It simply takes time for me to process my thoughts.

That’s okay. What God creates is always good.

There's a wide range of topics I could cover in a post because life is full these days. The days are filled with good and hard stuff. In the midst of everything my heart still sings of His goodness. There are truly ten thousand reasons (and more) for my heart to find.

Yet, I do not feel prompted by God to write. Well, there are words still written. Bits and pieces of my heart scatter around me in different forms. These things on my heart though, sometimes they are more sacred and not meant to be shared.

Some of the writing happens via prayer requests; there's a big one circling right now. Thank you to those who are praying. You are teaching me the power found in gathering with sisters and brothers in Christ in prayer. Prayer does works.

A friend wrote to me today and left words which encouraged my heart. Her words remind me of how God puts people in our life for a reason. We are called to be the body of Christ and this body has many parts. And every one of us is a vital member of the body (1 Corinthians 12:27). I am also reminded of words from Jesus in in Matthew 18:20: "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." He created us to gather with others. The way we gather is not limited. Oh, how unlimited the ways we gather can be.

For example, online friends are real friends who gather together via the web. Online friends continue to bless me daily. They give me at least a thousand reasons, likely many more, to sing praises to God.

The friend I mentioned above wrote the below in her email to me:

"I love how you write - truly from the heart and I miss your more frequent posts, but am excited to hear what new things God is calling you to?? So tell me...what is new...what are you up to?  In what direction is God tugging your heart?"

It was Christ that bound us together across the interweb as I read her email.

As I pondered my response to my friend, I thought I might share with you at least one thing I am up to these days. It's all kinds of exciting. It has everything to do with Him becoming greater in my life.

One of the best yeses I have given to God since becoming a Christ follower is joining a local Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) class. Every Monday, since September 2014, I gather with 200+ other women to be in God’s Word together and have meaningful conversations. Every day of the week, since the first meeting I attended, I wake early to be with God and study His Word.

This time has drawn me closer to Him. You do know it’s what He wants must from us, right?

The above has led me to give God another yes. Last weekend I started training to be a Group Leader for BSF. Oh friends, I have wobbly knees over this yes but I am also super-duper excited to lead other women in going deeper in their relationship with Christ.

I happen to be writing a lot these days as I give daily lesson questions more thought and attempt to figure out how the heck to do homiletics. More hours per week are devoted to my studies but it’s so worth it.

God’s Word is indeed alive and active (Hebrews 4:12). It’s rocking my world!

There are other new things to talk about but until we make the rounds with family I am holding off on talking about those things here. My husband and I both come from large families so give us time.

Oh, by the way, the friend of mine who so encouraged my heart today has a beautiful blog. I would be most grateful if you would hop on over to say hello to her. You will love her, I promise. Meet Beverly of Walking Well With God

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How I'm Saying Yes to Risk

As writers must of us, if not all of us, have asked the question: "Do my words matter?"

A writing friend took that question to an even deeper level by asking, “Am I legitimate in minimizing the reach my words have or am I constraining God by doubting His ability to use my words to further his kingdom?” Of course I know our words matter; especially if God asks us to write them. Obedience to God is rather important in our walk with Him.

Yet, I often find myself asking if the words I write matter.  My words are simple; not eloquent or poetic. In a sea of many voices mine feel less than. I allow doubt to rule my heart instead of sharing from my heart. I am learning that what the reader wants is authentic hearts, our own voice, not our view of perfection.

I may still wrestle with finding my worth in a wearied world of words but I can be confident of this, “He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6)

We matter. We matter to Him. Every breath we take and every word we speak or write matters to Him.

What if instead we ask God if we are still using our words in the way He intends? Like the changing of seasons, His mission for us could also change. I consider this question as I ponder these words from Jesus in Matthew.

 “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:18-20)

There are two words I have zeroed in on from this passage: Make disciples.

While one aspect of being a writer requires a trust in God to bring our words to those who need to read them, particularly non-believers or those who have turned away from God, I cannot help but to wonder how writing fits into Jesus’ command to make disciples.

Image by Cindee Snider Re

Please join me over at Outside the City Gate where I am sharing as a regular contributor today. You can read the rest of my post here.

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What I Learned About Grace in May

Instead of my typical Friday Randomness post, I am joining Emily Freeman of Chatting at the Sky again for her end of the month post where she invites other writers to come along and share what they learned the past month.

I learned many wonderful things throughout the month of May, such as:

  1) I love to paint (with a glass of wine in hand, of course)
  2) Speaking in front of my church becomes easier with practice
  3) To-do lists work
  4) Hiring a lawn service was a very wise decision
  5) I am addicted PicMonkey (pay for the full version . . . it’s worth it)
  6) Meeting writing friends in real life will never get old (I met three in May)
  7) Rearranging furniture can really open up a room
  8) The Life Application Study Bible is a wonderful study tool
  9) Encouraging one another makes my heart sing
10) I am beyond ready for my husband to come home

But as I made my list, God spoke to me on the word “Grace.”

My last post from the love dare series spoke to how love is not irritable. Two reasons for being irritable are stress and selfishness. My eyes have been opened recently to the expectations I place on myself which lead to stress, which leads to being irritable. When I look at my expectations it has much to do with selfishness. The writers of The Love Dare book are rather wise I'm discovering.

Through my discoveries, God taught me a thing or two (or eight) in May on choosing to give myself grace.

1) Grace to know it’s okay if I do not meet my goal of reading through the Bible this year. He cares more about my desire to know Him better and spend time with Him. He loves how my mornings currently begin with the Seeds of Spring reading plan through YouVersion, time in a devotional, or searching out verses speaking to me through my love dare series to better understand God’s kind of love. My goal to read through the Bible is just that: my goal and not necessarily His.

2) Grace to know it’s okay if I do not write out His graces every day in my gratitude journal. It’s even okay if I go several weeks without writing them down. He knows my heart. He knows not a day goes by when I'm not grateful for who He is and for how He has transformed this heart of mine. Gratitude can be shown in many more ways than through a list.

3) Grace to know it’s okay if I am not a perfect wife, mom, daughter, sister or friend. Perfection will never be found this side of heaven. He cares about my willingness to allow His light to shine through the cracks as He refines me to become more and more like Him.

4) Grace to know it’s okay if I am sad over the decline in readers of my blog as long as I do let the numbers define my worth. My worth has already been found in Him. He cares about my willingness to obey the call to write and He will bless me for my yes. I need to trust Him with who does or does not read the words He places on my heart to share.

5) Grace to remember He never asked me to be superwoman. I cannot be all things to everyone. I need to first and foremost be His.

6) Grace to know He doesn’t call the equipped; he equips those He calls. He will give me everything I need to encourage a group of military wives these next six weeks through the (in)couragers community groups. While I do not experience all the same challenges as a spouse of a reservist, He cares most about my heart to encourage them.

7) Grace to remember “He is always good and I am always loved” (Ann Voskamp).

8) I choose to give myself grace because His grace is enough and in admitting my weaknesses, I affirm God's strength (2 Corinthians 12:9).

“For from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace” ~ John 1:16

Wishing you grace upon grace.

Three Word Wednesday: Love isn't irritable

For the most part I thought I covered how love is not irritable in my last post. Rude and irritable basically go hand in hand, don’t they? In Dare #5 the writers of The Love Dare even start the chapter by saying, “Nothing irritates others as quickly as being rude.”

I’m all in on this love dare challenge so I press on.

The writers suggest there are two reasons that contribute becoming irritable: stress and selfishness. There is that selfishness again. I get the feeling I’m not alone in the struggle with selfishness. I would say it would be selfish of me to ignore the obvious point being made throughout The Love Dare book on how love is not selfish.

I do appreciate what the writers shared on the matter of selfishness: “When you’re irritable, the heart of the problem is primarily a problem of the heart.” Thankfully Jesus specializes in heart transplants.

“When love enters your heart, it calms you down and inspires you to quit focusing on yourself” (p. 27). Jesus is love. I need to let Him into my heart. “He must become greater; I must become less” (John 3:30).

The first part of Dare #6 targets how stress can cause irritability. “Stress weighs you down, drains your energy, weakens your health, and invites you to be cranky” (p. 26). The dare asks you to make a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. The military devotional for this dare acknowledges adding margin may be difficult for a spouse going through a deployment; however it does suggest evaluating what you are doing with the down time you have.

I would be lying if I told you I have little down time with my husband deployed and a house to maintain on my own. I simply do not make good use of the time I have. This leaves me easily irritated.

My favorite thing to do with the warmer temperatures now here is to go for a long walk today. On those walks is when I most connect with God. He brought the verse from Luke 12:34 to mind when out walking on Memorial Day: “Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.”

Truth be told, I still treasure the opinions of others over God’s. I seek the approval of others when I have already been pre-approved by God. In her book Love Idol, Jennifer Dukes Lee writes, “To be pre-approved means this: We love from our approval, not for our approval.” I love to write and all that comes with being a blogger, but too often my priorities are out of order. I place blogging before God because I feel more is required of me for you to keep on returning. By doing this I’ve actually placed myself at the center of my relationships instead of God. Enter selfishness once again.

The title for Day 8 of The Love Dare Day by Day devotional is: “Love is best when God is first." This day’s devotional states, “Let every breath be an opportunity to learn how to better love the God who first loved you." This truth reminds me of how I need to be rooted deep in His love.

“Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” ~ Ephesians 3:17-19

For my roots to grow deeper into God’s love I need to be pursuing an intimate relationship with Him. I need to drink in His love daily and I do this by spending time in His word daily. Time with Him needs to be treasured above anything else.

And if I am rooted deep in His love then I am no longer fussing over the approval of others because I know I am already pre-approved by God.

“He created us to love Him, and something unexplainable beautiful happens when we direct all of who we are at delighting in all of who He is” (Day 8, The Love Dare Day by Day). That something beautiful may be freeing us to simply love our spouses and others.

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Dare #5: Love is not rude

Dare #6: Love is not irritable

Next week: Love believes the best

Three Word Wednesday: Love isn't rude

Dare #5: Ask your spouse, by email or phone (or letter) to name three things you do which cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated.

My gut reaction to this dare did not include asking my husband to name three things I do which irritate him. Our recent conversations have made my heart smile big so I hesitated to go in this direction.

If we are spending time in God’s Word, most likely we've felt a nudge on areas in our lives where we need to allow God to do renovations. I know I could easily name off three ways I irritate my husband at times without input from him.

I’m all in on this Love Dare Challenge so against my judgment I sent an email to my husband. He had no interest in naming off a list. I must say his response was music to my ears. “My thoughts of you on a daily or hourly basis are not of past nuisances or annoyances.” He went on to say, “If I was home maybe I would be willing to have this discussion because I could hold you at the end of the night.” I love this man of mine.

I’m not disagreeing on the value of having this discussion. I do have a different opinion on whether or not the approach should be different for military couples going through a deployment.

Without a list from my husband of ways I irritate him, I relied on how the Holy Spirit has convicted me on the matter of love not being rude.

The writers of The Love Dare stated, “There are two main reasons why people are rude: ignorance and self-centeredness. Earlier in the chapter they wrote, “For the most part, the etiquette you use at home is much different than the kind you employ with friends, or even with total strangers.” I loved how a writing friend referred to this when leaving a comment on my last post. She said, “Isn't it odd how everyone else, even complete strangers, gets our most thoughtful side ... and our spouses and family get the leftovers?”

Scary true, isn't it? I know my husband and children have received my leftovers. I can be ignorant at times and we've already discussed my selfish tendencies.

I've had the verses from James 3:9-18 on my mind and I wonder how often my words are unpleasing to God.

“Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God.” ~ James 3:9

This husband of mine was created in the image of God just like me. He should be treated the same way I want to be treated . . . with love.

My words may not always be harsh but I know there are often times when both ignorance and self-centeredness reside in them. Like when my husband gives advice and all I want from him is to listen. This usually leaves me irritated and unwilling to listen even if his advice is good. I may not love all the things my husband says or does but as my beautiful friend Shelly said to me, “The beauty of love is that it loves in spite of those things.”

And If I want him to stop doing the things that bother me, I need to first look inward and stop doing the things I know bother him. In the The Love Dare, Day by Day: A Year of Devotions for Couples, Day 130 is titled: “Love deals with self first.” It says, “No one makes a mess of their marriage all by themselves, but if healing is to occur, it should always start with ‘me.’”

“Why do you look at the speck in your brothers’ eye but don’t notice the log in your own eye.” ~ Matthew 7:3

If my words are unpleasing to my husband they are also unpleasing to God. I need to allow the Holy Spirit to do those renovations.

In the study notes of the Life Application Study Bible it includes for James 3:12-18, “Careful, winsome speech and wise, loving words are the seeds of peace.” If I want to scatter seeds of peace shouldn't I start with my spouse?

Even after twenty-four years of marriage, I’m discovering my love needs to mature. “Maturity puts others before yourself, both in thought and in deed (Love Dare Day by Day, Day 61).” For a maturing love I will keep seeking wisdom from God’s Word.

“Real wisdom, God’s wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.” ~ James 3:17-18 (MSG)

God’s kind of love . . . real love . . . takes work. We do the required work because that is what love does.

What love discoveries did I make this past week? It's worth the work.

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Dare #5: Love is not rude

Next week: Love is not irritable

Three Word Wednesday: Bread of Life

It was a long and cold winter. While it may officially be spring, it doesn't feel like spring. The absence of the sun and lack of warmer temperatures has made me weary. As said by my friend Rebekah, “Spring meet winter… winter I’d love to introduce you to spring. Your pure white coat is beautiful, but I need some colour in my life now. Please, kindly step aside.”

I agree. Step aside winter. Say hello spring.

There are other reasons for my weariness though, besides the lack of sun and warmth.

My husband is currently away serving our country in harm’s way. It’s hard—very hard. I miss him constantly.

God also laid it on my heart to give up my eating disorder for lent. Refraining from my eating disorder behaviors comes with anxiety. There are times the anxiety has me wanting to crawl out of my own skin. It’s a sensation hard to explain.

I have previously tried to let go of my eating disorder—multiple times in fact. There were one or two times I went longer than the five weeks it has now been. The day eventually came when temptation won and I failed. Satan convinced me I’m anything but beautiful and I succumbed to the ever so momentary comfort found in the behaviors of my eating disorder. It has been a cycle of seeking comfort in anything other than Christ.

What makes me think this time will be any different from the previous attempts? I don’t even have the strength of my husband to rely on. If anything, my husband being away makes the behaviors easier.

I believe God has been preparing for such a time as this (Esther 4:14). Just like Jesus taught His disciples to think differently about life, He needed to teach me to think differently. And failure was part of the learning process.

My previous attempts and failures taught me how much I need Him. If I did not fail there would be no reason to go running to Him for help. Failing brought me to my hands and knees in complete surrender saying, "I need you." Failing taught me lasting comfort can only be found in Him.

Lysa Terkeurst writes in her book Made to Crave, "God created us—with a longing to be filled. It’s a longing God instilled to draw us into deep intimacy with Him." She says "…food was never meant to fulfill the deepest places of our hearts reserved for God alone. Not on the good days. Not on the bad days. And not even on the stinkin’, rotten, horrible no good days."

In John 6:35, Jesus says, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty."

Obviously, I need the nourishment of food to sustain my physical life. The eating disorder behaviors need to stop. Jesus was not talking about physical bread though. He was telling His disciples to stop worrying about their physical needs—He would give them everything they need.

I read the verses that follow John 6:35 in the Message translation:

"Every person the Father gives me eventually comes running to me. And once that person is with me, I hold on and don’t let go. I came down from heaven not to follow my own whim but to accomplish the will of the One who sent me." ~ John 6:36-37

The word “eventually” caught my attention. As I shared earlier, Jesus needed to teach me to think differently before I was ready and willing to let go of my eating disorder and come running to Him for help. And He has been teaching me. He teaches me through time in scripture, prayer and worship. This time of learning has taught me to trust in Him and fostered a more intimate relationship.

I've learned how He does hold on and never let’s go. Because He is with me, I can accomplish the will of the One who sent Him. God’s will for me is to find freedom from that which keeps me from fully unwrapping His love for me.

"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" ~ Romans 8:32

God has prepared me for such a time as this.
I have everything I need.
I have Christ—the bread of life.
It’s going to be okay.

Friday Randomness (Vol. 7)

Scripture speaking to my heart

"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me." ~ Jeremiah 29:12-14 (MSG)

Let the truth of those words soak in. Call on Him. Pray to Him. Seek Him. He is waiting for you.

Devotional Love

"Choose to worship God. Choose to serve others. People will be encouraged. God will be glorified, and you will receive the most benefit as you grow in character and love for God." ~ Faith Deployed...Again (pg. 79)

Advent Season

I've been so incredibly blessed by Ann Voskamp and her Advent devotional The Greatest Gift.

"And the heart that makes time and space for Him to come will be a glorious place. A place of sheer, radiant defiance in the face of a world careening mad and stressed." ~ Ann Voskamp

I was also recently introduced to Christie Purifoy of There is a River by Shelly Miller of Redemptions Beauty. Come follow Christie as she writes through every day of Advent season.

What am I reading?

I'm back to the dilemma of trying to read too many books at once. I really need to focus on reading one book at a time. Maybe if people would stop writing such amazing books I'd have an easier time. (Giggling.) Seriously, have I ever told you as a young adult I hated to read? That surely is not the case anymore.

But what am I reading?

"We love our earth. We love our people. We love our stuff. We love our schedules. We love our short lives here. And God is saying, Look up. This is going fast. Your life here is barely a breath. There is more, way more." ~ Anything, by Jennie Allen

I know I'm way late to read Jennie's book but God's timing really is always perfect! I may need to give away a copy at some point too. Don't you love giveaways? It could become a habit of mine to giveaway a copy of the books I really, really love.

Be sure to come by on Monday (or Tuesday possibly) as I will be sharing a review of Barbie Swihart's new book Coffee Talk with Jesus. And well...there will be a giveaway too! To read what others have said about Barbie's book click here.

From Day 5 of her book, "You feel as if you don't belong. You could be in a room filled with people and still feel as if no one truly sees you. But I see you there, restless in your chair, cradling that cup of warm tea in your hands."

You honestly do begin to feel the presence of Jesus as you read this book.

Circles of Faith First Friday Books Favs

The first Friday of every month the contributors of Circles of Faith share what they are reading. Come take a look and discover books to add to your must read list. If you have recently written a review, you can also join in by linking up your post or share in the comments section of their post.

Favorite blog read from the week

I visited Jennifer of A Heart For the Home for the first time through a link-up at Woman to Woman Ministries and her post Embracing your Season felt as though it was written specifically for me. Thank you, Jennifer! I love the new people I meet through link-ups.

Favorite new song (I have two favorites this week!)

Jenn of Running This Thing Called Life shared on her Facebook page a link to a video that really does put you in the holiday spirit. Watch and listen here: Little Drummer Boy

You must listen to this new song just released by David Crowder called I Am off his Neon Steeple album. I heard it for the first time while working out this week and the lyrics blew me away.

"There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place where we can't find peace
There's no end to amazing grace"

It's SO good!

Favorite Internet find

Looking for cute and meaningful stocking ideas or inexpensive gifts for a dear friends? Come see what you can purchase from Dayspring for under $5.00. Oh my! I had no clue.

Favorite Facebook post

I'm being selfish again! This is my son receiving a "Flag Letter" for a job well done on funeral detail. We are very proud of him for all he has done to honor and remember our fallen. Isn't he handsome too?

I'm finding blessings in a deployment

~ Books filled with encouragement for military wives. 

Thank you, Sara Horn, Jocelyn Green and Kristen Strong.

~ LHC responding quickly to my request for copies of sermons to send to my soldier.

~ Photographs. When I'm missing him I can stare at pictures of him.

~ An amazing few days in San Antonio together before our last good-bye.

~ A Thanksgiving brunch on the patio of a restaurant along the San Antonio River Walk.

~ My younger son now cooking dinner for us every evening. Super yummy!

~ Lots of phone calls from friends.

For your Sunday

"Some quote Psalm 91 as though it was some kind of magic wand, but there is nothing magical about this psalm. It is powerful and it works, but only because it is the Word of God, alive and active. And we confess it out loud, simply because the Bible tell us to." - Peggy Joyce Ruth, Psalm 91: God's Shield of Protection (Military Edition)

How Might God Define 'Healthy'?

I'm honored to introduce Jessica to you. God led her to my blog many months ago and a new online friendship soon followed. She is a delight and has this way of always making me smile. I love how she explores the mind-body-spirit connection and I always leave her place learning something new.

 

Let's give a warm welcome to Jessica by leaving some comment love after you've read what God placed on her heart to share with us! 

 

Much love, Beth

I’m so excited to be guest blogging today – I've been a fan of Beth’s site for a while (and was lucky enough to have her post an article the other week!). I also run a Christian-based blog, Prayers and Apples, that explores the science behind the mind-body-spirit connection. My posts typically look at facts – things that can be written down and added up on paper. But today, I want to take a little bit of time to focus on the intangible. Today I want to talk about what the term “healthy” means to God.

Now, before I get started, it goes without saying that these are all just guesses. I in no way mean to speak for God – but rather, hope to simply provide some (nutritious!) food for thought.)

We spend so much of our time trying to be “healthy.” Dieting, exercising, drinking water, taking vitamins, taking medicine, taking the stairs… Does anybody else ever feel like a robot? What is this “healthy” end goal that we’re striving towards? Increased energy? But what about our body fat? Lowered blood pressure? But what about our sleep patterns? It’s like running a race with a million finish lines! There’s no way to win!

And yet, everybody still wants to be “healthy.”

As a personal trainer, one of the first things I learned was to set measurable goals. You have to know what you’re working towards in order to know when you get there. (Sorry, that sounded a bit like a riddle!) This quote from Alice in Wonderland explains it best:

For me, this is where God comes in.

“The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord; And He delights in his way.” (Psalm 37:23)

So where does God want us to go with this whole “health” thing? To me, the answer – like so many other answers found in the bible – is closer to Him.

But how can being “healthy” make us closer to God? And what does the term even mean?

Again, a review of scripture provides some clues:

“So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.” (Romans 10:17)

In order to be closer to God, we must hear Him. We must be physically and mentally prepared to hear his Word and apply it to our lives. For:

“It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.” (Matthew 4:4)

In this context, it becomes easier to define our goal. Being “healthy” doesn't mean being skinny. It doesn't mean being athletic, it doesn't mean being fit. “Optimal health”, when viewed in this light, means being in a physical and emotional condition to hear God’s word. It means being rested enough to reflect on the bible before heading into work. It means being stress-free enough to stay constantly mindful of His word throughout the day. Being “healthy” means having the energy to apply God’s principles and spread His love throughout your community. Being “healthy” means maintaining whatever lifestyle works best for you in allowing you to hear and receive God’s word.  

I hope these musings have been helpful and provided a little bit of food for thought! Working in the fitness industry, I know first hand how easy it tempting it can be to chase after the latest “healthy” goal. But I think it’s important to stay most focused on maintaining a clear head and heart so that we have enough energy to devote to God. =)

I want to thank Beth, again, for having me - and hope everybody has a blessed and happy day!.

Prayers and Apples
PrayersAndApples.com
Twitter: @PrayersNApples