Pursuing Authenticity

Coffee dates with girlfriends are one of my most favorite activities. Those two hours because they always tends to be at least two hours in length are such a time of blessing and encouragement. And I'd like to believe we both walk away equally encouraged, although I often fear I do too much of the talking and need to practice listening more.

The topic of writing came up at a recent coffee date. My sweet friend extended words of affirmation regarding my writing and encouraged me to be in prayer about returning to writing.

Honestly... I have discovered I have a fear of writing. Maybe not a fear of actually writing but a fear of the emotions that tend to come when I write -- a fear of returning to another place where I allow "not good enough" to reign. I also question if God is calling me to write. What if God is saying no to something I want? But what if this is something God is calling me to and I am letting fear win?

Could I put those questions aside, for now, and simply write? I raised the topic with my therapist and she asked, "could writing be an avenue towards healing, and could you write without placing any expectations on yourself and simply write for you?"

I think the question I need to answer is, could I simply be me and not allow writing to be another wrestle for worthiness?

Months ago I received two copies of the Magnolia Journal in the mail. On the front of the cover it read, "The World Needs Who You Were Made To Be." I saw God's hand in delivering two copies of this issue to my mailbox. He knows my thoughts - He knows exactly where they go -- the world needs someone else, not me.

I have read three Brené Brown books over the past seven months, and I'm currently reading #4.

Braving the Wilderness—Belonging.
The Gifts of Imperfection—Be you.
Daring Greatly—Be all in.
Rising Strong—Fall. Get up. Try again.

In her book Rising Strong as she writes about how one of the "truisms" for living wholeheartedly, she say,“You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” ~ Brené Brown

Friends, I need to be done with the hustle for worthiness. For me that comes with being authentic about the struggle (depression, anxiety and an eating disorder) but also having the courage to show up and simply be who God made me to be. As Brené also says, "to let go of who I think I'm supposed to be and embrace who I am."

But to embrace who I am - who God created me to be - I know that involves getting to know my deepest, most authentic self, and doing the hard work of engaging (or reckoning and rumbling) with my emotions. There are so many layers to break through. At the core though, as Michelle DeRusha writes in her book True You, "my identity as a child of God is everything. I know without that, I have nothing; without that, I am nothing."

Our church recently did a sermon series on 2 Corinthians. In the first chapter of 2 Corinthians we see the God of All Comfort in the first several versus. We see how suffering is an opportunity for God to work through us - that His strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

But we have a choice to make - will our principle identity be found in God or in our suffering? For me, I've allowed my identify to be placed in not-enough. But God says I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and that I am more valuable than many sparrows (Matthew 10:31). Faith is believing Him - trusting in Him. I am who He says I am!

There is a connection in all this that I am trying to make. If only the words would pour out more clearly. Maybe it's in what I said to my pastor following his sermon, "The enemy is attacking me from every angle but he will not win. Though I may be stumbling, I know God will not let me fall. He continues to uphold me. I know in this season of suffering (where the lies are louder than the truth) He is doing something in and through me. I know and trust He will do a new thing. For I know our God is good and He is faithful to all that He promises.

I feel like much is left unsaid when I make the attempt to express myself. I tend to think I'm not making sense but I have been told my perception in that thinking is not accurate. Oh how I'm working on trusting -- trusting in Him -- trusting He will do more than I can ask or imagine with this offering.

Can I end with this? Words from the beautiful Ann Voskamp -- "God is good and you are always loved."

Planting Seeds

On Easter Sunday I returned home from spending four days with our oldest son, who lives in a Southern California. We had much needed mother/son bonding time.

We took in a sunset.
We hiked.
We were lazy at the beach.
We visited the small town of Julian and ate its delicious pizza and devoured its famous apple pie.
He cooked for me and I cooked for him (the one and only meal I know how to make).
We jet skied.
We met up with my sister and her family.
We relaxed via mostly decent TV entertainment.
We chatted.
We had our way of bonding.

It makes me sad that he lives in a different state but I wonder if he lived closer whether would we have weekends like the one we had. The distance forces us to be intentional.

Our youngest son lives only 15 minutes away. When he shows up without my prior knowledge of him coming, I get all giddy. If he was only stopping through briefly my reaction usually convinces him to stay longer than intended. Then there are the days when he sends me a text inviting me over for dinner. Umm. Yes! Absolutely, I will come. I willingly change other plans to be there.

One of my younger brothers (I have three younger and one older) asked me recently what similar traits my boys have. This question stumped me at the time as they are different as night and day. I ponder this question again and would have to say our boys are both kindhearted people you can count on to be in your corner.

Because they have such different personalities, I find my relationships with them to be different.

The youngest will talk my ear off and conversations with the oldest require me to take the lead. He knows I will come prepared with discussion questions to keep our conversation moving along.

The youngest is not so much a hugger and the oldest allows me to fully wrap my arms around him and linger. It might have something to do with the number of see-you later moments we have had. He's grown to know his mom needs those hugs. With the youngest no longer living at home I have a feeling he may catch on to my hugging needs.

The youngest has a joyful spirit and comfort in his own skin which made it a tad bit easier to send him out into the world. The oldest does not as easily see the decent man he is (a trait he inherited from his mom). To compensate, I am guilty of attempts to protect from the sinfulness of the world.

The youngest did not test our parenting abilities quite so much (yet still had his moments) while the oldest too often saw our inability to parent well when tested.

The youngest likely does not remember the hard, hard seasons. The oldest has always been more sensitive and acutely aware of my sadness when hard seasons come.

Maybe another similar trait our boys share is they both know their parents are always in their corner, despite all the times we messed up parenting.

Time with either one of our boys usually leaves me somewhat sentimental afterward. The together moments are fewer and farther between. I have discovered a profound love though for being a mom to adult children. It fills my heart with joy to witness the fine young men they have become.

On a recent drive home after a day at the office K-Love played on the radio. The host referenced the importance of planting seeds in the early years of children.

I have thought of this before in terms of our lack of planting good seeds in our children's lives. We certainly did not plant faith seeds as we did not become Christ followers until our early 40s.

While I certainly agree it becomes harder to have a proper influence (or to instill meaningful values) in our children's lives after a certain age, good seeds (and faith seeds) can be planted at any age.

I am not sure if I am referencing this planting seeds phrase correctly. You understand what I am trying to say, right? The early childhood years are crucial development years.

But I consider how God makes all things new. I am not the person I once was. My mind has been renewed to a new way of thinking. God is making me to be more like His son with each passing days. The same applies to my husband.

We messed up in many ways during the early years of children's lives. Heck, we were messing up in their teenage years too. We are imperfect people who sin daily and still make not so smart choices in our parenting decisions. However, there is a profound difference in the way we parent our children now compared to back then for we are different people.

My point being, we now have a more positive influence in our children's lives. We plant good seeds. We focus on planting seeds to draw them closer to Him knowing our role is in the planting. God ultimately determines when their hearts our softened to know the truth and for the truth to set them free (John 8:32).

Maybe the point is really this: I don't let go of hope. I hold on to Him. I allow Him to continue to do the work He is doing in me.

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion." ~ Philippians 1:6 

I trust Him to work through me, and others, to win the hearts of my unsaved children for our God "is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3:20).

As I give thought to the differences in our children and the differences in my relationship with them, I find another similarity… hints of our Almighty God moving in their life. They may not yet know Him the way we know Him, but I see His light beginning to shine through as He transforms their way of thinking.

With this, I fall on my knees and say, "Thank you, Lord."

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Prisoners of Hope

There is a verse in Zechariah which has previously not caught my attention but last week Kris Camealy used the verse in her post, Prisoners of Hope.

“Return to your stronghold, O prisoners of hope.” - Zechariah 9:12

I have planted myself on this verse. I meditate on the three words: Prisoners of Hope. I have weaved this verse in to many conversations lately and most times I weave it in as I hold back tears. I'm not sure how to explain why. It may be a new favorite verse or even an appropriate life verse.

It could be the story behind when I first read the verse which has me meditating on those three words.

Twelve marines lost at sea. Here one day, gone the next. Twelve families are grieving. In Kris' post she grieves for these families. She grieves for one family member she knows personally, a writer with a book scheduled to release soon.

In Christie Purifoy’s new book she writes, "God walks with them always ready in the darkest places. He is especially present in the very places we imagine he cannot be” (Roots and Sky). How could she have known how much she would need the truth embedded in her words?

But God knew, right? The mysteries of our God… I have no words.

I am studying the Book of Revelation with Bible Study Fellowship. While a hard book to study, I find embedded in this book the fullness of who God is, or the fullness of His character which He makes known. He is a God of love, grace and mercy but also a holy, just, and righteous God. In Revelation we read of the great day of wrath and vengeance and retribution. “Who is able to [face God and] stand [before the wrath of the Lamb]?” - Revelation 6:17

We could think these attributes contradict themselves. Yet we know God does not contradict himself.

Last Sunday my pastor delivered a sermon on how we are to fear God. I know this. I have read the many verses in the Bible which tell us so. I did not grasp what it meant to fear God though. Respect God? Worship Him in awe?

No, (well,those too) fear God means fear God.

My time in Revelation has made this clearer: we will tremble with fear on the day we are finally in His presence.

“The sight was so terrifying that Moses said, ‘I am trembling with fear.’” - Hebrews 12:21

There is more. (As my dear friend Michele says often, there is always more.) Right after we are told to fear Him, we are told, "Fear not."

Our God of indescribable, unmatchable, power lives in us and is actively working on our behalf, so we do not need to fear Him.

“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” - Romans 8:31

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” - Romans 8:37

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” - Philippians 4:13

So I return back to the words from Zechariah 9:12.

Like Kris, the words captivate me. "What is a prisoner, but someone confined or kept in the custody of another. God keeps us in His custody; we are confined by the Holy." - Kris Camealy

I am captivated only because I know God’s character more fully. I know the refuge and protection we find in Him because His Word makes this truth clear. We see it over and over again in Revelation. We won't find anything or anyone able to match what God is able to give and do.

Our God, our Almighty God, is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

When we find ourselves in a place of fear, doubt, brokenness or heartbreaking sorrow, we return to Him. He is our stronghold, our hope. We are held forever and ever by Him. Nothing will separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:39).

“Return to your stronghold, O prisoners of Hope.” – Zechariah 9:12

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He makes all things new

I married my husband again this past Saturday and our special day was everything we wanted it to be and more so.

My cup runneth over.

It’s hard to decide where to begin. How could I possibly describe our day from start to end in one post? Maybe it does not need to be one post.

A little side note: it feels strange to return here with it being so long since I last wrote. But now is not the time to talk about the uncertainty of this blog's future. I shall continue to leave it in God’s hands.

When my husband and I first met with our Executive Pastor to tell him of our desire to renew our wedding vows, we expressed how we wanted the day to be all about God. The renewal of our vows was not about us but about what God had done in our lives and in our marriage since we accepted Jesus Christ as our Savior. All praise and glory for the twenty-five years we celebrate together must go to Him.

And all praise and glory did go to Him.

He shall even receive all praise and glory for working out every single detail as we planned for our special day. As I look back, I see how He filled the gaps by sending just the right person at just the right time to come along side of us to think of the one detail we had not yet thought of. He guided us in the decision making process and kept us free from worry… with Him at the center our day would be everything He wanted it to be. It would be what He always intended for this day was written in His book long ago.

I realized the evening before we would marry again that we were about to do the very thing Satan had tried to prevent for twenty-five years. Satan decided to step up his game, friends. But our God is stronger.

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

After a difficult night, on the morning of our vow renewal day I gathered our family around an oak table in the living room with our hands held tightly together and declared to Satan, “You are not welcome here. You will not steal our joy. We know how the story goes… God wins. And He wins here today too.”

A few hours later I stood in the dressing room of our venue in a wedding dress God had chosen specifically for me with my eyes closed and listened to family and friends in the room next to me join our worship team in singing:

“Let our praise be Your welcome
Let our songs be a sign
We are here for You, we are here for You

Let Your breath come from heaven
Fill our hearts with Your life
We are here for You, we are here for You”

Here For You, by Matt Redman

We welcomed God into that place. His presence filled the room. It was all about Him, just as it should be.

Then our two children, now young adults, each put an arm in one of mine and together we took the walk I had been anxiously waiting to take toward my husband. As we walked across a lovely white runner, which included the words from Mark 10:9 thanks to my mother, our voices continued to give Him praise as we sang:

“For all Your goodness
I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons
For my heart to find”

10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord), by Matt Redman

Oh yes, God. There are ten thousand reasons and more for my heart to find.

How do I describe the emotions which came as I reached out my hand to take my husband’s hand in mine with our boys standing beside us, with family and friends surrounding us and with God in our midst? I loved my husband so very much on the day when we first said “I do” but never did I imagine how my love for him would grow over the next twenty-five years. Only God could write such a story.

There is so much more to share with you. Isn’t that so like God? With Him, there is always more. And I will share the “more” with you as time allows and as we receive photos from our photographer.

For now, can you guess how our ceremony ended? From the moment we decided to renew our vows, we knew the ceremony could end only one way. We turned toward our family and friends with joy overflowing and sang, “How Great is Our God!”

Our special day was much more than a renewal of our vows. God gave us a new marriage; a transformation only He could do. All praise and glory went to Him and will continue to go to Him.

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Seasons, Chapters and Choosing Love

I recently wrote about our old oak table and the memories which surround the table. My time of reflection brought me to conclude we need to hold on to our table. The table has actually since undergone a makeover.

Trips down memory lane happen frequently for me these days. And those trips take me back to the different seasons of my life. Like different seasons of the year, God takes us through different seasons throughout our time here on earth.

A while back, my friend Holly sent me a Voxer message after reading a post I had written on the book I dream about (every writer’s dream, I believe). The book would likely be a collection of stories from my years of marriage. Holly suggested the chapter titles simply be a particular year of my marriage. Her suggestion resonated with me.

Basically, the different seasons of our marriage would become chapters.

I don't imagine the book would be a chapter for every year of my marriage but it could highlight the years when I believe God did something profound, grew our faith and trust in Him or prepared us for a new chapter.

My book choices lately are ones written by Shauna Niequist. I loved her book Bread and Wine so I decided to continue with a Shauna theme by reading Cold Tangerines and Bittersweet. I completed Cold Tangerines and have a hundred pages or so left to read in Bittersweet.

In the chapter titled “Sea Dreams” of Bittersweet, Shauna writes, “Sometimes we have to leave home in order to find out what we left there and why it matters so much.”

Her words speak to a chapter in my marriage; a chapter when I left my husband and home. This chapter would be titled "1999." Whenever I reflect on this chapter I try to do so without regret. Of course, it breaks my heart to recall the hurt I caused my husband. At the same time, I do believe the act of leaving allowed me to discover what I had left and why he mattered so much.

Thankfully, 1999 ended with God having grander plans for the next chapter – 2000 – a chapter which included a fight for my marriage.

We appear to be on the edge of another chapter ending. It too relates to the words written by Shauna. The second part of those words may end differently though. I tread lightly here because this chapter ending doesn't relate to my marriage. On the other hand, it impacts our family and lays heavy on my heart.

As one chapter potentially ends, God teaches me how each chapter matters.

In a video series, Living Life Together featuring Shauna Niequist, Shauna says in the second video of the series that “our stories are stories of who God is.” God is love. And God calls us to love. We love no matter what the future may hold for a relationship. I have the choice to look back with regret for years spent loving someone and now consider it as time wasted. I also have the choice to be grateful for the chapter they were a part of. And I can be more like Christ by choosing love amidst the sorrow of their loss.

Every chapter matters because whether it’s a chapter filled with joy or sorrow we have the opportunity to glorify Him. It’s another chapter of our life which tells of who He is.

The year 2015 would surely be another chapter in my book. It's shaping out to be a profound year of God awakening us to His love, faithfulness and every day graces. The year has been full of good and hard moments and we haven’t even made it halfway through the year. Yet, we experience God’s love and faithfulness, maybe even greater so when He walks with us through the hard.

While 2015 may include a less fortunate ending for people we love, the marriage between my husband and I, which came close to an end back in 1999, will celebrate 25 years in October. All praise and glory goes to God.

This reflection reminds me not to limit what God can do. His ways are not our ways and many times far exceed our understanding. So I will choose to love through what may be an end of a chapter.

While I might guard my heart more closely, I will not close my heart to choosing love again no matter how this chapter ends or the next one begins.

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{An} Old Oak Table

My husband and I recently completed a nine week Financial Peace University (FPU) course with Dave Ramsey. It's a course our church provides a few times a year. If you have never heard of FPU, I highly suggest you check it out. It will change you. And when you go through it with your spouse, it will have a positive impact on your marriage.

It's powerful stuff. It’s so powerful we have shipped off copies of the CDs to our eldest son to encourage him to go through the course. Afterward, our younger son will receive the same encouragement.

Mostly, I hope our children see a change in how their parents handle money. I pray we also reflect the truth to them: everything we have comes from and belongs to God. He has simply entrusted us to be wise with what He gives and to treat it with open hands. In other words, become like Him and be givers.

Dave Ramsey began and ended the nine-week course with reference to an old oak table. You see, it was around his old oak table where he and his wife declared bankruptcy. Around that same oak table they made the choice to be obedient to God’s instructions by following biblical principles on how to handle money. God actually has quite a bit to say on the topic.

I left the last week of our nine-week course reflecting on the old oak table which sits in our home and serves as our dining room table. The table has been in our home for at least 15 years. And life has surely happened around our old oak table.

The table is battered and worn out. Several years ago hubs started to strip the stain off to prepare it to be re-stained or painted. For the most part, it sits there as bare oak waiting on us to decide. At times, mainly when we entertain, I throw a white table cloth over it for a prettier look.

Like Dave Ramsey, there are good and not-so-good memories which surround our table. Of course many meals were served and eaten around our table but there’s so much more to this table…

Toddlers became middle-schoolers.

Boys became young men.

Homework was fought over.

Art was birthed.

Fights were fought.

Fists were pounded.

Hard decisions were made.

Hearts broke there.

Tears fell.

Forgiveness was given.

Smiles formed there.

God was found.

The Bible was opened and read.

Prayers were lifted.

Grace was said.

“See you later” and “welcome home” moments were spoken and lived.

Love letters were written and mailed.

Care packages were assembled and shipped.

Friendships blossomed.

A marriage proposal prepared for and extended there.

The growth of a family was witnessed.

Losses mourned.

The gifts of redemption and transformation were received.

God’s miracles are still seen daily.

The above memories only scratch the surface of the life lived around our old oak table. Nonetheless, the process of writing down the memories makes me wonder how I could have ever considered saying good-bye to our table. Yes, maybe it's just a table. The memories would not disappear with the table. But I have suddenly grown founder of our table.

I find myself sitting at the table on one of the four chairs slowly falling apart, one being held together with a yellow bow, humming the lyrics to a song by Colton Dixon:

There are days I've taken more than I can give
And there are choices that I made
That I wouldn't make again
I've had my share of laughter
Of tears and troubled times
This is has been the story of my life

I have won
and I have lost
I got it right sometimes
But sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy, I've seen regret
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it

Watch video here: “Through All Of It”

Through every event which transpired around our old oak table God has been our God through all of it. Maybe we didn't always see Him. Maybe we went most of those years denying Him. Yet, He was always there knocking, waiting for us to open our hearts to His everlasting love.

Hard stuff didn't stop being lived around our table once we did let Him in for we live in a fallen world. But God continues to be our God through all of it. Instead of waiting on us to respond to His knock, His Holy Spirit now dwells within us.

I think we shall keep our old oak table. Whenever we gather around our table I think we shall take a moment to thank God for being our God.

“You are my God, and I will praise you;
you are my God, and I will exalt you.”
Psalm 118:28

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My hope is found in Him

In many ways it’s a beautiful season for me. I see His goodness bursting forth in all things. I adore this time of being more intentional in my relationships with my husband, children and friends.  The days seem to move at a slower pace, a delightful pace of cherishing each and every moment.

This season isn't absent of sorrow. My heart mourns the loss of someone I love deeply. I have learned that a loss can come in many different forms; it does not only come with death. I pray daily for the person I love to choose differently. I pray daily for God to teach me to extend love, even if it goes unseen, no matter how this part of our story unfolds.

God takes us through different seasons. I believe in every season He seeks to reveal truth about Himself, give us new wisdom for our spiritual journey and leave us with a promise for more of Him.

I see it in His letters to the seven churches in the province of Asia (Revelations 1:4) as I read the Book of Revelation. Each one begins with a picture of Him, then gives a warning and ends with a promise.

It begins and ends with Him.

It’s all about Him.

I find myself wrestling with God at times over this season of less writing He has brought me to. The wrestle comes in the form of jealousy and comparison as my Facebook news-feed fills with beautiful posts written by others whom I adore. Jealousy and comparison is an ugly thing. It absolutely steals your joy. But He came to give us life to the fullest (John 10:10).

So God doesn't leave me in the wrestle.

He reminds me of who He is and who I am in Him.
He extends gentle warnings through His Word.
He promises more of Him if I choose to trust and obey Him.

I trust in you, Lord. 
You are good.
You are faithful.

I was asked recently to describe what made me fall in love with Jesus and what makes me follow Him. My response came with ease but it also came with wet eyes. Love stories are usually told with wet eyes.

It's for two words: redemption and transformation. I witnessed how He redeems and makes all things new. You can read our story here. And His work of redemption and transformation never ends. There's always more: more ways we need to surrender to Him and more ways He wants to transform us.

He is my hope . . . the hope for better. A life without Him would be a life without hope. A life without Him is one I will not choose.

Maybe what I love most about this season is how I have fallen in love with Him all over again. As He becomes greater in my life (John 3:30), through devoted time with Him and In His Word, He performs new miracles. His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). I come before Him with my fears, doubts and thoughts of unworthiness, and He says, "I'm not finished with you yet, Beth. Look, I am doing a new thing" (Isaiah 43:19).

I have come to a place of knowing this season He has me in is the very place I need to be. I can see so clearly His love and goodness, even in the midst of sorrow. He will not waste this. There will be beauty on the other side. There will be a transformation. I know this with every fiber of my being because I have come to know Him.

This is the hope I profess: He is faithful. He is good always. His love is never-ending. His arms are far reaching—nothing is too far off for Him to redeem and transform.

It’s the hope which keeps my eyes and heart set on Him always. When He comes to my door He does not need to knock because the door to my heart remains wide open (Revelation 3:20).

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Love always wins

I sat on our living room sofa Tuesday evening wrapped in a warm blanket in need of something . . . anything. My heart hurt. My husband sat in the kitchen, just one room over. I knew he'd listen to me as I made attempts to process emotions with his always compassionate heart but I did not know where to begin. Instead, I choose sleep. It too was needed.

This thing which causes my sadness is not something my husband and I can fix. We need to surrender this -- them -- to God. There's truth in these words by Oswald Chambers from My Utmost for His Highest: “You may often have to watch Jesus Christ wreck a life before He saves it.”

I won't write about the thing which makes me sad, at least not yet. What I will tell you is there’s no shortness of seeing Gods goodness and faithfulness even while my heart breaks.

He's my strength. And He keeps using that husband of mine to hold me up.

In the midst of sadness I also have joy. I see God weaving His way into the life of my boys, one more so than the other. How can I not rejoice when one tells me, “I think I might be coming around, Mom?”

While I may not be able to get through a day without tears, God always gives me a reason to give Him praise.

He expands my heart with a desire to love more and to love well.

I follow along with others as Kara Tippetts touches lives, even after her death. Kara “considered every moment a gift and an opportunity to learn more about Grace and trusting God; she believed suffering was not an absence of beauty, but an opportunity to understand God’s love on a deeper level.”

Can’t I too?

These tears that fall are for reasons which seem small compared to the suffering Kara and her family endured, and continue to endure. But they still matter to God. He catches my tears and whispers . . .

I am faithful

I am doing something good

Trust in me

Live fully awake

See the beauty of each moment

Choose love, it will not fail you

I will not fail you

For love always wins

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” ~~ 1 Corinthians 13:7-8a

I wipe the tears from my eyes once again and whisper back, “Yes, I will choose love. Keep showing me the way. I will keep following You.”

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A Christmas Wish

The Advent season is a time to prepare our hearts for the coming of His son; the birth of His son Jesus Christ. We celebrate the promise of the Savior, both His birth and His return. 

What does His coming promise?

The Gospel of Luke tells us in 19:10: “For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” And in John 3:16, “God expressed His love for the world in this way: He gave His only Son so that whoever believes in Him will not face everlasting destruction, but will have everlasting life.

This Advent season I also reflect on the greatest picture we have of what Jesus did for us.  The ultimate sacrifice He made for us. 

He came to earth as man knowing He would go to the cross for our sins.
He knew His destiny.

For the past four years, on the second Saturday of December, I have joined an organization called Wreaths Across America to remember our fallen heroes and honor those who have served and continue to serve.

Throughout the country, this organization works toward placing a wreath on the grave sites of all the men and women who stood ready to make the ultimate sacrifice for us.

They raised their hand.
They stepped forward.
They came before us and said, “I am willing to die, for you.”

And many did die for us. They made the ultimate sacrifice.

They died for the hatred in this world because we choose not to love. Yet they choose a sacrificial love. They choose God’s kind of love.

Last weekend my husband and I placed wreaths together. We placed two wreaths. Before we placed the wreath we stood before the grave marker and said a prayer. We prayed for the family of the fallen hero. We prayed for them to know the sacrifices their loved one made have not been forgotten. They will always be remembered.

And we wept as we prayed.

My husband went first. With tears rolling down his cheeks he asked, “Why am I crying? I do not even know this man.” He continued to weep as he knelt down to place the wreath. He wept for the sacrifice this man was willing to make . . . for him.

This particular man – this hero – lived a life beyond his service but again, he stepped forward willingly. He was willing to die . . . for us.

Then it was my turn. I prayed. I wept. I knelt down and placed the wreath. We will never forget.

My wish for us all is, to remember. As you reflect on His coming, reflect also on the picture these heroes give of what Jesus ultimately did for us.

Yes, Christmas is a time to celebrate His birth. But He came for one reason. He came for a purpose. You were His purpose. We were His purpose.

Allow this truth to change you in a new way as you approach the New Year. Let it change how you love others. Strive for an agape love. Strive for His kind of love.

Many of us choose One Word for the year to focus on. I think my word for 2015 will be SELFLESS. Please, Lord, help me to place the needs of others above my own. Help me to love with Your kind of love. 

There are so many good words to choose.
Ultimately, He wants us to love one another.

Above whatever word you choose, may the real word on your heart be LOVE.

The Bible is all about love. It’s God’s love letter to us.

His greatest wish for us is this:

“So I give you a new command: Love each other deeply and fully. Remember the ways that I have loved you, and demonstrate your love for others in those same ways. Everyone will know you as My followers if you demonstrate your love to others.” John 13:34-35 (Voice)

Choose love. Choose love over and over again.

To those brave men and women, you will never be forgotten.
To their families, they will never be forgotten.

To my husband and son, who stand willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, my pride and love for you overflows.

To you, I wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. May His love for you change you from the inside and out. Only He can perform the heart transformation we really need.

Let Him in.
Let Hope in. Let that Hope in. 
Let it change you.

God bless.

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Present over Perfect

The morning begins with three missed calls and an email from our son. He calls from the other side of the world while he floats out at sea. Opportunities for him to call home are few and far between. I could tell from his email that he misses home. We are missing him too.

I respond with what may be my longest email to him so far.

Because my heart longs for him to know God, I end the email with the verse from Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."

After pressing send I crawl back into bed next to my husband with tears in my eyes. He wraps his arms around me and we lie there for the next thirty minutes holding each other. There are still tears as we lie there for how much I miss our son and for how happy I am to have my husband home.

We let go of one another but we are not quite ready to leave the bed. Instead, we scan the TV stations for something to watch. Taking the day slow sounds like a wonderful idea. We land on “Cheaper by the Dozen.” Tears find their way to my eyes again. This missing stuff doesn't get easier.

The feeling of sadness will not lift. Plans for the day include putting up our Christmas tree. I tell my husband, “We need a new tree. Our tree is small and lopsided.”

I open up my computer and log on to Pinterest and start searching Christmas decorating ideas. Of course the pictures are all shiny and perfect. Nothing I could do would ever compare.

With “Cheaper by the Dozen” finally over and tears semi dried up, yet I know full well it wouldn't take much for them to fall again, I decide to join hubs for a morning workout confident it will lift my spirits.

As I ride a stationary bike, I finish reading the book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. In the book Donald Miller talks about a bike ride he took across country. Friends of ours have a son who recently did the same so I sent them a text to suggest their son read the book. I add to the end of the text message, “Let’s do dinner soon.”

I open up the audio version of Bob Goff’s book Love Does next. I’m now on a treadmill as I listen along. I hit the pause button after Chapter 3 because this time around I want my husband to follow along too.

I scan through my library of eBook’s. A while back I started Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist so I decided to carry on where I left off.

“I sometimes hate this house for not being what I want it to be, and I sometimes hate myself for not being that either. But little by little, my funny old broken down house is teaching me that good enough is good enough.” – Shauna Niequist

Shauna’s words remind me of our Christmas tree; the one I told my husband was small and lopsided.

I did not get far in the book before my phone rang.

“Hello Mom.”

My cup runneth over. God is good, ALWAYS.

He tells me that he started reading Love Does again. I sent the book to him in a care package early on in his deployment. “The Jesus stuff is hard to read but it’s funny,” he says. Maybe it’s wishful thinking but I imagine Bob Goff’s words leading my son closer to Jesus. Always have hope, I say to myself.

“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

Hubs and I return home. I look up at those gorgeous eyes of his to inform him how wrong I am about our tree. Our tree is enough because it’s ours. Present over perfect . . . that is my wish for this Christmas season.

What is your wish for this Christmas season?

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Messy and Beautiful Love

I planned a getaway for us while my husband’s boots still stood on foreign soil; on enemy soil. After some research, I discovered the American Club in Kohler, Wisconsin offered fifty percent off their room rates for Veterans over the Veterans Day holiday. The American Club happens to be where we spent our honeymoon twenty-four years ago.

Something seemed so right about going back to where our journey began.

On the way to our destination, we stopped for lunch at this cute fish restaurant which sat along Lake Michigan in Port Washington, Wisconsin. Our conversation over lunch consisted of reminiscing and also sharing our hopes and dreams for the future.

We talked about simple things too, like the list of 31 FREE Things To Do With Your Spouse For Fun found on Tricia Goyer’s blog.  We have plans to conquer all 31 things.

I lost track early on of how many times I told him, I love you, Dear.

We laughed over how little we remembered of our time in Kohler twenty-four years ago. We were twenty-one years old at the time. For the most part, all we remember is how anxious we were to return home to our four-month old son.

Neither of us felt anxious to return home this time around. With our four days away now behind us, I can also say I don’t expect either of us to have difficulty remembering this trip.

Does the name Kohler ring any bells? Think lovely kitchens and bathrooms. The loveliest ones you can imagine most likely include Kohler products. All sleeping rooms at the American Club, a five-star resort, include fancy sinks, showers and tubs. It’s glorious! Kohler, Wisconsin is a quaint and lovely town in and of itself.

When the bathtub in your room includes a blissful water experience via KOHLER Hydrotherapy (i.e. glorious whirlpool) it must be utilized. Yes, I am going there with this post. Our first night ended with the two of us naked in that tub.

But with all seriousness, it has nothing to do with the point of this post.

I had a rather messy moment in that bathtub but it ended with sheer beauty. God has this way of taking our messes and making them beautiful.

I could claim I panicked due to an unusual fear of water. More than likely it had much more to do with intense body image issues which have contributed to years of struggling with intimacy. It did not take long for me to want out of our glorious tub.

Instead, my husband turned me around so my back would face him. He took a sponge and began to gently scrub my back to calm my nerves and elevate those all too familiar insecurities.

I thanked him for how he loves me. I thanked him for his kindness and patience. His response, “I wasn’t always this way, Beth. I was not kind. I was not patient.” With my back toward my husband, tears rolled down my cheeks.  At the same time though, the nerves and insecurities were no longer present. They vanished as quickly as they started.

Remember how I said God takes the messy and makes something beautiful? The messy stuff is part of the story He writes. If we took away all the messy parts of our journey, would we see the depth of beauty God has created in our marriage? Without the messy parts would we have learned what it means to love one another? If we took away all the messy parts would we have realized our need for God?

Marriage is hard. It's messy. It never stops being hard and messy. Give me both though. I would not change one single scene of the story God has written for us and I trust Him with the story He continues to write.

Maybe you are still wondering what message I am trying to leave with you. Maybe it’s a message for those couples who are knee deep in mess. And my message for you is . . . Do not lose hope. Do not give up. Trust in God. Let Him help you write a better story. He will take all the messy stuff and create something more beautiful than you could ever imagine.

I believe the more deep the mess the more beautiful He’s able to create.

Trust in Him.

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Three Word Wednesday: Faith ~ Hope ~ Love

Three years and three months ago I wrote my first blog post. This will be my 382nd post. There is nothing significant about this post other than a desire to share with you how the journey of becoming a military family and faith in God collided.

I began writing under a different blog name ~ From an Army Wife and Navy Mom. (The writing was bad . . . very bad.) My first post was written while my husband was completing his training to become a soldier and my oldest son was preparing to leave home to become a sailor. The intent of my blog was to share the journey of being a military family.

At the time I was not a follower of Christ — my husband and I were not followers of Christ. We had never been a church-going family.

The words from 1 Corinthians 13:13 were spoken on our wedding day but they were just words . . . just a verse. Doesn't everyone share the verse on their wedding day?

I started my sixth blog post by writing, "I wouldn't normally talk about faith…." I ended that same post with two words: "Have faith." God had begun moving into our hearts. With those two words a new journey began.

"Have faith in God." ~ Mark 11:22

It was a new journey not only for me but for my husband too. We were miles apart from one another yet God planted a seed in both of our hearts. The journey of becoming a military family became a journey of having faith in God. I had no idea how having faith in Him would change our lives. He really does make all things new (2 Corinthians 5:17).

We became what I believe is a testimony of the miracle only God can perform: a transformation of two hearts. We were a couple joined by God but never really knew God. And then suddenly, even though we were miles apart, we were led down a similar new path of allowing Him to become greater in our lives.

"He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less." ~ John 3:30

Having faith in Him united us in the way God always intended.

***

Here my husband and I are again miles apart from one another. While my husband may be on the other side of the world, the same God here with me is the same God with him.

We both have moments when we are weary from the separation and wonder why He chose this path. The moments of doubt don't draw us further from God — they remind us of how He did choose this path for us and He will surely bless us for our obedience. Our hope is in Him.

"He is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name." ~ Psalm 33:20-21

We depend on Him. He is everything we need.

My words at times may reflect a weary heart but I hope they also reveal how God is moving in my life in ways that leave me in awe. He chose this path of becoming a military family for us because it was the path that led us to Him. The time we spend apart is teaching us to lean on Him for strength. Absolutely nothing we experience in this journey will be wasted. He will use it all to show His glory.

"And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory." ~ Colossians 1:27

When I reflect on this truth, it brings me to my hands and knees singing . . . "Here am I, all of me, take my life, it's all for Thee…"

***

In January 2013 I launched my current blog ~ withlove-simplybeth. My writing may have begun with a plan of sharing the journey of being a military family but God had another plan. His plan? For me to simply share how He has transformed my life.

What I hope you find here is love . . . as this is what God is teaching me: to love more and more. I pray you find encouragement here no matter where you are in your faith journey.

I often wonder if my posts are to inward focused but all I know to give you is my heart — so I share my heart with love. It’s a love He planted in my heart three years ago — His love. I pray you see Him and His love for you through the words I write.

"God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them." ~ 1 John 4:16

And the words from 1 Corinthians 13:13 . . . they are no longer just words. They are so much more.

Friday Randomness (Vol. 5)

Scripture speaking to my heart

"I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." ~ Psalm 16:8

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley; I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." ~ Psalm 23:4

Devotional Love

"The One who walks beside you, holding you by your hand, is the same One who lives within you." ~ Jesus Calling (November 12)

More from Let Hope In

"Eventually everything we hope for will disappoint us. Every circumstance, every situation that we're hoping for is going to wear out, fall apart, melt down, and go away. When that happens, the question then is about your deeper hope, your foundational hope, your fallback hope when all your other hopes have disappointed.

All of Scripture points to one man, one God, not because he gives us everything we're hoping for but because he is the One we put our hope in."

~ Pastor Pete Wilson, Let Hope In (pg. 196)

Believe it or not I finally finished reading this amazing book. My reading has been a bit slow lately.

What is next on my list? Coffee Talk With Jesus -- a book soon to be released by my lovely friend Barbie Swihart of My Freshly Brewed Life. I'm super excited to be part of the launch team.

Favorite blog read from the week

Shelly Miller of Redemptions Beauty writes "May we never take someone's "yes" to surrendering their life in the name of freedom for granted." -- An Unforgettable Veterans Day Legacy

I also think I really read the words from Romans 15:4 for the first time and I loved how Shelly paraphrased in her post, "Their stories were written so we would remember what hope looks like."

Please take a moment to read and be sure to watch the video!

Favorite Internet find

I'm being a bit selfish and sharing a video of my husband's unit being honored at the Chicago Blackhawks game this past Sunday. You can watch here. Really, it's super cool!

Have I told you how proud I am of my soldier? I'm bursting with pride!

Favorite Facebook post

A Post by Wives of Faith.

How one young boy is making a difference

I received a touching email on Tuesday from my younger sister and knew I needed to share with you.

Is this not just awesome?!?! Would you consider joining him by making a donation to UNICEF? You can donate here.

Showing up

My friend Amy Sullivan is sharing at Mercy Notes on the impact we have when we simply show up. "...rule number one in creating community was easy: show up." A great reminder for us all.

I'm humbled

Lauren of It's A Wilderness Out There...And in Here Too blessed me deeply on Tuesday with her Share the Love Tuesday post. My hope is always that others see through my writing how deeply God loves us so her kind words just about made me cry. I love you, Lauren, and I'm very grateful for your friendship.

I'm finding blessings in a deployment

~ Nieces who makes signs for you to help cheer on my husband and his unit as they are honored at the Chicago Blackhawks game.

~ Squeezing in another celebration with family because they simply want more time with him.

~ An amazing Aunt who treats us to a special dinner at her place.

~ Neighbors who invite you over for dinner for a final good-bye and then invite other neighbors over before calling it a night.

~ Children of those neighbors who make a special parting gift for their favorite soldier.
~ A neighbor who makes you chocolate covered Oreo balls...super yummy!

~ One last dinner with two of our favorite couples from church.
~ A coworker who comforts you when she catches you crying.
~ Making a sideshow presentation with photos of our soldiers and their family members for a send-off ceremony

~  Military spouses who warm your heart and remind you we walk this journey together.
~ A family date night via Skype.

Friday Randomness (Vol. 4)

How about we skip any kind of introduction this week and go straight to randomness. Sending hugs to all of you because...well, I just love you!

Scripture speaking to my heart

"I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." ~ Jeremiah 21:35

This verse has been on my heart since shared by a Chaplain last weekend. Oh how He refreshes and satisfies!

Jesus Calling Devotional Love

"I will give strength to you, and I will bless you with peace." (November 4th)

Faith Deployed...Again (a new daily devotional love of mine) — by Jocelyn Green

"Sometimes we wish prayer to be the rudder that changes the course of our entire lives. Yet I wonder if it's our hearts—through the small spoken, the actual truths, the directed breaths—that end up changing. And that's more the point than anything." ~ Leeana Tankersley (pg. 31)

More from Let Hope In

"Life is one giant lesson in love. It's not about how much we get (acquisition), how much we do (accomplishment), or how much we earn (achievement). It's not about all the other things we're told life's about. God put us on earth to learn to love. We were created to receive love and give love." ~ Pastor Pete Wilson (pg. 178 - Loving Deeply)

Pastor Pete Wilson writes in this portion of the book what I wish I could say in the Love Others page of my blog (which still remains blank). If it was possible the entire chapter would have been copied and pasted here.

God moments

The military spouses and significant others from my husband's unit rock! God has placed some pretty amazing ladies in my life. There have been many wonderful moments with them this past week. God is SO good!

Favorite blog read from the week

Courtney of Women Living Well pulls from the archives but her post When Your Home Does Not Feel Like A Haven was a first time read for me. She turns to Psalm 23 and drinks in a glass of His living word.

Because I love all these ladies I'm encouraging you once again to read a few of the posts from those who linked up for Three Word Wednesday. The newest contributors are at #15, #18 and #20. Let's show them some love. Would you also consider joining us next week if you haven't already?

Favorite Internet find

Every service member should receive this kind of welcome home: 13 Marines Get Impromptu Welcome Home. And I love that this took place here in Chicago at O'Hare Airport. Kudos to the USO for all they do to support our troops.

What are you reading?

The first Friday of every month the Circles of Faith contributors are sharing what they are reading. There are two ways you can join. Check out the "First Friday Book Faves" to find out more. Surprise, Surprise — I'm over there recommending Let Hope In.

Walking Well With God 

My sweet, sweet friend Bev of Walking Well With God is giving away a copy of Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are and a DaySpring coffee mug. To enter, subscribe to her blog during the months of November and December. I'd love both but honestly what I love more is her heart and I love when her new post is emailed to me on Thursday morning.

Please forgive me

I've been horrible with responding to your comments recently. Please forgive me! My husband has my full attention right now so less and less time is spent in front of the computer. I do read every one of them and I'm grateful for ALL of you. Your prayers for my family continue to be felt.

Dine-in

What could one have to say about a dine-in? I'm all giddy over the dine-in we had at a local restaurant earlier this week to support my husband's deploying unit. We continue to be blown away by all the love and support. I wish you could all go over to Coach's Corner to show them some love.

I'm finding blessings in a deployment

~ Moments on the sofa when we cuddle together

~ Dinners out every evening because he no longer wants to cook

~ Bulk shopping which equals shelves full of necessities for the upcoming year

~ A sports team who wants to honor our deploying soldiers

~ Friends who offer to take pictures of us together

~ Neighbors who invite you over for one last celebratory dinner

~ The many heartfelt prayers being lifted