Redemption for a Family {Part 1}

Almost twenty-three years ago I stepped into the scary world of being a mother and shortly after a wife. And yes, I've shared in the correct order. At what many would consider too young of an age, I started a family.

A month before my twenty-first birthday I welcomed my first bundle of joy into the world. I remember bringing my son home and on that first night as I cradled him in my arms, I said through tears, Take him back. I'm clearly not ready to be a mom. But at the same time I was unwilling to let go of this precious child staring back at me.

Four months later I walked down the aisle and married the man I have now spent more than half of my life with.

Life for us was so much different when we first began this journey of being a family. We jumped in before we were ready. Are we ever really ready though? I shudder at the memories of how unprepared we were. The first few months were spent in a corner of my parent's home fighting between wanting our independence and also needing them so desperately.

Soon our family grew by welcoming our second bundle of joy.

Dark clouds began to hover over us. Our boys were growing up in the midst of storm after storm. Their innocent eyes witnessed events I wish could be erased from their memory. When the storms raged I would cling to my boys as though my life depended on them. They were my reason for hope. I didn't know how to rely on God for hope.

We lived in Elgin, Illinois during those early years of family life. Ironically, the kids always say there were too many tornado warnings while we lived there. Yes, there were my dear children...way too many. It was a happy day when we closed the door to Elgin.

I'd like to say the storms settled when we left Elgin, but they did not. They became so routine we had mastered surviving them with few knowing how bad the impact really was.

Hearts were being hardened.

****

The walk down memory lane isn't easy for me. There are hurts that I may never share. They are hurts God is showing me how to let go of. A quick glimpse back reminds me we aren't that same family anymore. The storms have a harder way of finding their way into our home.

I've learned this...Jesus sees the broken. Jesus touches the broken. Jesus heals the broken. If you take time to read the Gospels you will see this truth over and over again. Luke 7:11-17 gives us one account of this truth when Jesus raises a Widow's son.

To say I'm surprised that he would see my broken family, take the time to touch us each individually, and then find us worthy of healing would be an understatement. I'm blown away. Why us?

Honestly, I'm no longer asking why. I'm saying, Thank you Lord.

There is this myth that God will never give you more than you can handle. Here's the thing though, God doesn't allow bad things to happen. Bad things happen because we live in a fallen world. The good news is, God will use all things for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." ~ Romans 8:26-28 (MSG)

Those raging storms were more than I could handle. There was a time when I was ready to check out. But God had a promise for my family—a promise that for many years I was blind to. Even in my unbelief, He kept His promise. A promise to redeem my family. The storms we survived He will use...He is already using. Our testimony is one of how a marriage and family can survive. Our story is one of how you can make the choice to stay and surrender to God's plan. He will see you. He will touch you. He will heal you.

With A Grateful Heart



Original Photo by friend Judd Johnson

For all You've given to me
For all the blessings that I cannot see
Thank You Lord
Thank you Lord

Thanks to (in)courage, thousands of woman gathered around the world on Saturday taking brave steps to embrace community through (in) Real Life meet-ups.

"It's all about friendship and the challenge to stay rooted in community when sometimes just walking away would be so much easier and tons more convenient."

I was unable to attend the meet-up in my area, but through a few online exchanges with the host of the gathering and the other ladies planning to attend, new friendships were beginning to bloom. A simple text on Saturday from one of these lovely ladies saying "Oh...I wish you were coming!" brightened my morning.

With a grateful heart
With a song of praise
With an outstretched arm
I will bless your name.

Instead of attending the local meet-up that morning I participated in a LEAD 2013 conference at my church. I did not miss out on the opportunity to embrace community. Leaders of the church gathered and worshiped God together, prayed over each other, and shared ideas on how to fill the holes within our ministries.

At the end of our time together we were given the chance to share what impacted us most from our day together. A guest speaker during the conference (Dr. Steve Lee) spoke on bringing our best to God. His message challenged me to look at the areas of my life where I'm not bringing my best. This is what I shared before we parted ways. What I really wanted to share was how a day of embracing community filled my heart.

My husband and I could have left our church that day leaving community behind us, but instead we choose to stay. We stayed rooted within that community by continuing into the late evening with another couple. My cup was overflowing.

Thank you Lord
I just want to thank You Lord
Thank You Lord
I just want to thank you Lord
Thank You Lord

On Sunday morning we returned to church and worshiping God was on my heart. I remembered the days of either blaming God for the pain in my life, or saying "if there really is a God, He forgot about me." How wrong I was. My heart was ready to sing praise to God for sending Jesus.

Our Family and Student Pastor delivered a powerful message that seemed to awaken the hearts of us all. His message...run to God. He shared how when bad things happen many times we choose to run from God thinking He's to blame, instead of running to Him. "He's the answer. He made a way to make it right through Jesus Christ."

For all You've done in my life
You took my darkness and gave me Your light
Thank You Lord
Thank You Lord

You took my sin and my shame,
You took my sickness and healed all my pain
Thank You Lord
Thank You Lord

During the service we stood and worshiped God by singing the song I've been sharing throughout this post "Thank You Lord (With A Grateful Heart)." As I sang the words, tears fell down my cheeks. My heart has been changed and many times this can still take my breath away. I had a moment where I was mesmerized again by what happened at the cross—mesmerized by what God did for me...for us.

I still struggle to share my faith beyond this blog, but something changed this past weekend. I realized by keeping my faith to myself, I'm withholding from others the greatest gift we were ever given. Jesus Christ!

"The world will know of the greatness of our God

 by the passion with which He is worshiped by His Church." 

~ Dr. Steve Lee

My passion has been ignited!

With a grateful heart
With a song of praise
With an outstretched arm
I will bless Your name

Thank you Lord
I just want to thank You Lord
Thank You Lord
I just want to thank You Lord
Thank You Lord

Thank You Lord (With a Grateful Heart)
By: Don Moen

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
~ Ephesians 3:20-21

It's Good-Bye Again...

That first good-bye was said as a bus prepared to take my son off to begin his adventure of becoming a sailor. I remember all too clearly standing next to that bus, with his girlfriend (now his wife) standing by my side, trying to maintain some sense of composure as I waved good-bye. As a mom I'm supposed to be the strong one - right?

As my oldest son left on this new adventure, my husband and I would begin our own adventure of coming one step closer to being empty nesters. I always knew this day would come but as these boys of mine were growing up I never imagined one of them ending up so far from home. I never imagined that one good-bye would turn into many more good-byes. I've learned that many more are yet to come.

I will say that the good-byes have become bittersweet.

Our next good-bye came on the day I sent him off on his first official assignment as a sailor. Boot Camp days were over and his Navy career was beginning. I held tightly to every last moment I had with him. My feet wouldn't leave the terminal gate until I had watched his plane disappear into the sky. Tears began falling not knowing when I'd hug this child of mine again.

His first visit home was to celebrate his 21st birthday, and then came the glorious day when we made our way to visit him.

Each visit, though, was too soon followed by another good-bye.

As his visit home for Christmas came to an end, I remember standing in our kitchen, no longer able to hold back my tears as the time drew near. My son knows me all too well. Even though I was making every effort to hide my tears, when he walked into the kitchen he asked, "Why are you crying, Mom?" My only response was to reach out and hug him.

It was time for me to make my way to him for another visit. This time we would have some mother/son alone time. It would be my last visit with him before he became a husband. It quickly became a visit that will always remain on my heart.

As parents, many of us fear what happens when they leave the comfort of home. How will we transition into this next phase of them no longer needing their mom?

But, they do need us. They will always need us.

I realized this when on the last night of my visit with my son he seemed to delay leaving my hotel room. We spent a quiet evening listening to the play list for his wedding reception and watching a movie. Shortly after he left my room he sent me a text message that simply said, "I am so happy you came to see me." Oh, how those tears began falling.

There have been many more good-byes since that visit, but through each one I've been blessed. I've been blessed to watch him grow from a child to young man and from a young man to a husband.

More than anything, I've been blessed to witness that I will never stop being his mom. We don't stop being a mom; we just enter a new chapter of being a mom. And in many ways I'm finding this chapter to be my favorite of them all.

As I reflect on these past two years filled with good-byes, I realize not only was I blessed to watch how much my son grew, but I also grew. God taught me some much needed lessons on being a mom. The most important lesson was on learning to love my children unconditionally. God gave me the gift of being a mother. With each good-bye, I've discovered the best gift I could give to my son was to let him know he was loved just because he was him.

I remember someone sharing how mothers are like a lighthouse. The primary purpose of the lighthouse is to bring its mariners home. This is what I want to be to both my children...a lighthouse that keeps on shining and always directs them home.

To keep my lighthouse shining, I turn to God.

"You are my lamp, O LORD; the LORD turns my darkness into light." - 2 Samuel 22:29

I will find rest

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. - Matthew 11:28-30

My Sunday evening was spent catching up with my hubby. It was one of his Army training weekends so we have less time to spend together.

As he goes through his routine on these early Saturday and Sunday mornings of switching from civilian life to soldier life, I prop myself up on the bed to watch him closely. There is something about him in uniform that makes my heart beat faster.

My husband embodies everything a soldier is supposed to be. The seven Army values, Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity and Personal Courage, are not values he takes lightly.

When he completes his morning transformation into a soldier, I'm in awe of him.

He makes his way out the door and all is quiet in the house. Even though I know he will return later that evening, he is greatly missed. There is this ache in my heart of knowing what is soon to come. This transformation takes place one weekend a month, but soon civilian life will no longer be his norm.

On this particular Sunday evening together, discussion was focused on making a list. I'm famous for my to-do lists. But this list is one I keep wanting to put off. After he rattled off his upcoming training dates, it's a list that I know I can no longer be ignored. The list has such an unpleasant ring to it — a Pre-Deployment Checklist. And the list begins with the one thing I know I put off out of fear.

Create a will.

So there it sits as #1 on my list. Let's move on to #2, #3 and #4. I'm not quite ready for #1. (Yes, I do know it's something we should both already have completed.) I was happy to see some of the things my husband was adding to this list.

Hire lawn service.
Install home security system.
Complete maintenance checks on home equipment.

I felt blessed knowing the most important thing to him was making sure I was taken care of. He is such a good man! What did I want added to the list? "Plan a vacation!" All I want is time away together to hold him tightly and wish I never had let go.

Earlier on that Sunday morning I read from Matthew 11:28-30. As my husband and I moved past our list making and on to lighter topics, the words from Matthew were playing over and over in my head.

"...and you will find rest for your souls."

The thought of my husband gone for nine months still seems unimaginable. For the most part, since this deployment was announced I've held tightly to the thought...It's still a long ways away and things can always change. As each month passes by it doesn't seem so far away and there is a sense of certainty among his unit that they are going.

Instead of holding tightly to the hope that plans will change, I will hold tightly to knowing when that day comes, in Him I will find rest for my soul.

I'm sure there will be days when the burden of running a home on my my own will seem too heavy. And there will be days when I'd rather stay curled up in bed. God doesn't promise it will always be easy, but each day He will be there waiting for me to lean in and rely on His comfort and grace.

When it's time to kiss my husband good-bye, I can rest knowing God will be his shield of protection.

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." - Psalm 91:1-2