Love is not selfish

Before moving on to Dare #3, God spoke to me on another aspect related to how love is kind (Dare #2). Not only do I need to show thoughtful actions towards my husband, I need to be mindful of how I speak about him to others.

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” ~ Ephesians. 4:29

If I’m doing the Love Dare Challenge to become more and more like Christ, than I need to love and care for my husband as Christ loves me. If I’m tearing down my husband with my words, Christ is not reflected in me.

Again, this challenge is about Jesus. It’s about knowing Him better and learning what it means to follow Him. The Apostle Paul tells us in Colossians 3:14 we are to “put on love.” In Colossians 3:12 he describes putting on love as clothing ourselves with “compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

When Paul describes what we are to cloth ourselves with, we see how God’s kind of love is "directed outward towards others, not inward toward ourselves. God’s kind of love is utterly unselfish" (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Life Application Study Bible).

In Dare #3 the writers of The Love Dare wrote, “Almost every sinful action can be traced back to a selfish motive.” It’s not surprising they address how love is not selfish early on in the book then. The Excellent or Praiseworthy: 40 Days of the Deployment Dare suggests reading this chapter more than once. They say it’s that important.

On page 11 of the book there is a convicting bottom-line statement: "you either make decisions out of love for others, or love for yourself." Since love is not self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13:5) I'd say it’s time to rid myself of selfishness.

Love Dare #3: Along with refraining from any negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, “I was thinking of you today.”

To let my husband know I am thinking of him I send him care packages!

I have not been overly creative with what has gone in the previous care packages so I wanted to make this one extra special. His unit has received plenty of care package love so the needs are limited. I’m grateful for the love they have received but challenged over what to send.

My husband did make a recent request for a box of screws. What a strange and not exciting request.

Imagine my delight when I came across his favorite chips while walking up and down the aisles of Target. I seriously did the happy dance because these chips are hard to find. I threw six of them in my cart, in addition to a bag of pistachios (another favorite of his), with a big smile on my face.

On Saturday morning, before tackling anything of my own personal liking (such as a mani/pedi) I ventured off to Home Depot for screws, because that is what love does, and then to the post office.

After sending off the care package I spent more time on how love is not selfish because I agree it’s that important.

I went back to the corresponding notes for 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 in the Life Application Study Bible: “Thus the more we become like Christ, the more we will show love to others." For Philippians 2:3 it states, "Considering others’ interests as more important than our own links us with Christ, who was a true example of humility."

I'm seeing a clear picture of how God does not want us to cloth ourselves with selfishness. He's pretty strong on the point. We are to love and honor others above ourselves (Romans 12:10).

My desire is for my husband to see Christ in me. Instead of him potentially thinking he has a selfish wife, I’d rather him describe me like the writers describe an unselfish person: "willing to set aside their own jealousy and demands to lose themselves in the joy of loving, serving and giving to another."

I’m grateful for the example Christ has given me of how to show real love to my husband. And I’m grateful for the grace of the Holy Spirit when I fall short.

What love discoveries did I make this past week?

God emphasizes loving others as very important; naming it as the Second Commandment of the Ten He gives to us. While our motivation for loving others should not be about what we gain, we are immensely blessed when we choose to love. In the past three weeks, the phone and Facetime conversations I've shared with my husband have beautifully reflected the results of choosing love. Let's just say, I've been wearing one-mighty-big-smile.

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Before moving on to Dare #4, I decided my husband needed another care package filled with love. Oh, what fun I had with this one.

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Next week: Love is thoughtful

Three Word Wednesday: Love is kind



Last week I shared with you my decision to blog my way through the book The Love Dare. The book takes you through a 40-day challenge to love your spouse with God’s kind of love. The first dare focused on how love is patient. I love how the book does not simply forget about the first dare when you move on to the next one. You’re not off the hook on being patient with your spouse.

The second chapter starts by saying, “If patience is how love reacts in order minimize a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximize a positive circumstance.” We need both patience and kindness to love. “Patience avoids the problem; kindness creates a blessing.”

Love Dare #2: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Unexpected acts of kindness were a piece of cake. I mailed him a card, sent him an email just because, and provided him with a few new snapshots of my adorable face. ~~smiling~~ I even told him how much I appreciated everything he still took care of even though he is on other side of the world. When he received news contrary to what he expected, I responded with encouragement.

But when he dished out a few more responsibilities, I had to bite my tongue before I snapped again.

Kindness came easily until he wanted me to do something I had less interest in doing. A little bit selfish I’d say.

Let me be honest on where my selfishness stems from: Jealousy. Believe it or not, I’m jealous of my husband . . . the one serving our country in harm’s way. It became easier to admit my jealousy after a milspouse friend admitted the same. “I was actually jealous that my husband had downtime,” Jana said. She resented the fact that responsibility of the home completely fell on her and her husband had time to read and workout.

Hello!?!? Me too!

My husband does not read but the 30 pounds he has lost gives reason to believe he has extra time to work out. I also know his evenings typically end with time for a TV show or a movie.

This chapter of the Love Dare says there are four basic core ingredients of kindness: initiative, gentleness, helpfulness and willingness.

To provide an example of these four core ingredients, the book refers to the parable of the Good Samaritan in Luke, chapter 10:25-37.

The Jews and Samaritans had a deep hatred towards each other yet the Samaritan was the only one who stopped and responded with love. “Taking the initiative, this man demonstrated true kindness in every way. Gently. Helpfully. Willingly” (Love Dare, pg. 6)

If enemies can do it, shouldn't I be able to do the same towards my husband?

Initiative. The new responsibilities my husband dished out this week could have been avoided if I would have taken the initiative to try and resolve them before even bringing the matters to his attention. I need to see the need and make a move first.

Gentleness. When he talks about his down time, I need to be sensitive and remember he would much rather be home with his family.  My friend Jana shared from her experience: “Being able to comprehend how lonely he was helped me to act with more kindness towards him and be more compassionate in our interactions.” I’d much rather show my husband tenderness by being grateful for the opportunities he has to decompress considering the job he has volunteered to do.

Helpfulness. The book suggests providing a listening ear. With my husband on the other end of the world, giving him my full attention when he calls is probably the most helpful thing I can do for him.

Willingness. Instead of being stubborn when he tries to help with a matter, I need to look for creative ways for him to still contribute. I’m reminded of how it’s equally hard on him to be away and to know he has had to place additional responsibilities on me.

What discoveries about love did I make this past week?

I realized a heart check was needed before continuing on with this Love Dare. I don’t want to simply go through the motions and not have a lasting impact. My heart needs to be in the right place. And the right place is? It needs to be all about Jesus. It needs to be about wanting to know Him better and learning what it means to follow Him. He is my motivation to choose love.

And His kind of love never fails. It always wins. ALWAYS.


Dare #1: Love is patient
Dare #2: Love is kind

Next week: Love is not selfish