It started with a DARE {Day 25: #write31days}

I shared a link to a post written by Lisa Whittle yesterday and I can’t seem to get the story she shared out of my mind. She shared a personal story from her marriage. A story she said in many ways is the story of her life. It’s a story of wanting more and of things missed because of her want for more.

“I need something. I want something. But I choose something I want in the moment, and it gets in the way of what I really want more.” ~ Lisa Whittle

Lisa released a new book this month titled, I Want God

Her story has rung true in my own life.

For most of my life there resided a desire for more. I wanted more of something; usually more stuff. I would get more and then want more again. It became an endless cycle of a want for more. And more was never enough. 

My husband wanted me to be happy. Most of my requests for more he would fulfill. “Maybe then she will love me,” may have been his thoughts. Instead of my love he received accumulated debt.

I loved him. I really, really did. On the other hand, I relied on feeling love to show him love. He did not receive an unconditional love from me.

There's a secret about love you may not know. I once did not know either. The secret is this: an unconditional love is not possible on your own. But with God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).

An online friend I had yet to meet took a dare. She dared to point me toward the more I had been longing for all along but missed because my wants in the moment got in the way. She pointed me toward the One who is love.

I then took my first dare. I dared to BELIEVE.

And then I dared to accept His LOVE.
And then I dared to EMBRACE who I am in Him.
And then I dared to find JOY no matter the circumstances. He is the source of my joy.

And then – the dare that continues to transform my marriage – I dared to love my husband with God’s kind of love.

A love dare journey began. {read my Love Dare Journey here}

It started as my own love dare journey during my husband’s deployment to Afghanistan. By God’s grace, my husband has returned home safely.

What started as my journey is now our love dare journey.

God's love, the One who can only change our want for more to enough, changes lives. It changed ours.

And now I keep on daring to share His love with you.

It started with a dare.

Will you take a dare? Maybe your dare is pointing another to Him. If so, please don’t miss out on that dare.

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I am joining in for the Five Minute Friday fun (on a Saturday) because the prompt word is DARE. The prompt word was chosen by The Love Dare so how could I not? The post took me more than five minutes; it was more like twenty minutes. But twenty is the new five, in my opinion, when it comes to writing.

P.s. The words BELIEVE, LOVE, EMBRACE and JOY have been my One Word for the year (respectively) since joining in on this popular blogger thing to do in 2011. As my friend Kristin put it, it's "like a trendy resolution."

Navigating to a New Normal {Day 16-19: #write31days}

"You need to know there may be things I do not share with you while I am in Afghanistan."

That is what my husband said to me shortly before he left on his deployment. I expressed my dislike for his statement. I am your wife. We do not keep secrets from one another. How do I pray for you if you do not share both the ups and downs of your deployment?

His reason for not wanting to tell me the not so good happenings that came with having his feet on foreign soil in a war zone was to prevent unnecessary worry on my part. He would ask, “What purpose would it serve to tell you?” I realized it was time for me to trust my husband in the decisions he made to lead us through our time apart. God would let me know how to pray for him.

With my husband now home he's willing to share his experiences. He has pictures and videos to help him tell stories of what became his normal for nine months.

Some of his stories make me even prouder of him, some make me laugh, some he shared while away and some make me glad he waited until he was home to share.

His normal during that time included things like:

• Sleeping in thirteen different beds (not much of a normal)



• A weapon by his side 24/7



• Instead of commercial planes flying over his head he had A-10 Warthogs, F-16’s and Apache, Chinook and Black Hawk helicopters.



• Working with interpreters, bomb sniffing dogs and their handlers, and Afghan drivers



• Announcements over a loud speaker that said, "Incoming, Incoming" which were followed by sprints to the nearest bunker because incoming meant there was a rocket attack

His normal included showing respect to those we could consider to be our enemy. When greeted by an Afghan they would say to him, "As-salamu alaykum." This translates to “peace be upon you.” My husband respectfully followed with the standard response to such greeting by saying, “Wa alaykumu s-alam.”

He also had a brotherhood with his fellow soldier most of us will never fully understand. Even he would have a hard time describing it other than to say you just know they've got your back.

There are moments when my husband misses Afghanistan. Of course he is happy to be home but his home for nine months was also there.

In this changing world we live in, finding a normal does not come with ease. What is normal anyways? We find gratitude in knowing our God is unchanging. He is our constant. As my husband's wife, he should also be able to rely on me being a constant source of comfort. My love for him should be unchanging; not wavering with the change of seasons.

I reflect back to Day 11 of The Love Dare book: Love cherishes [see my Love Dare journey]

"Marriage is a beautiful mystery created by God, joining two lives together as one" (The Love Dare, pg. 51). What one of us experiences also affects the other because our lives are now interwoven together. I am challenged by this after spending ten months apart from my husband. It can be difficult for me to understand how he could miss the life he lived in Afghanistan. It seems reasonable to want him to leave that season behind.

Reading Day 11 again reminds me of the need to bring warmth to my husband’s days. This comes with a willingness to embrace all the parts of his story as part of our story. I treasure every part of Him as a priceless gift. And I treat him with respect and tenderness as he navigates from one season to the next.

Which means when he returned home with a new normal behavior of going to bed with a hat on, I embrace it as part of our normal. For love does not allow the other to feel foolish or embarrassed. Love should always nourish and cherish.

That is why we do this navigating together. But the more I talk about navigating to a new normal I come to the realization again and again that the normal we seek is God being greater in our lives. Because what else in this life besides God can we count on to remain the same? If we allow God to take first place in our lives and hearts we can learn to love each other with an unchanging, unconditional, love. With His help we can have a love for one another that never changes.

So we turn our eyes and hearts to God. We ask Him to show us the way. As my friend Lori writes in her latest post, He will show us the most excellent way.

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This post is part of a 31 day series on navigating to a new normal. I am spending time away with my husband which is why Day 16-19 are included in one post. To read all of the posts in this series, click here.

Three Word Wednesday: Loves takes delight

When I met my husband I would tell my parents we were “just friends.” In the technical sense we were “dating” but the relationship grew because of our friendship.

We were (and still are) completely opposite from one another. Extrovert vs. Introvert. Confident vs. Not-so-confident. Strong vs. Weak. The fact that he liked me back took me by surprise. His qualities were different from anyone else I had dated. His ability to make me laugh to the point of tears and his strength attracted me most.

I found him to be delightful.

The dating years included lots of storytelling, laughing over the TV show Magnum, P.I. till the early hours of the morning and driving around in his car. Looking back, I'm thankful we never got caught for the things done in that car. I digress... (Did I use that correctly?)

Life took a drastic turn when I could no longer stay awake past ten o'clock at night. It did not take long for us to realize parenthood sat on the horizon.

We put the cart before the horse as some would say.

When you're figuring how to be adults, parents and a spouse at the same time delightful thoughts can lose their place in your mind.

My husband began to lose his delightfulness. If you asked him I'm sure he would say the same.

“One of the most important things you should learn on your Love Dare journey is that you should not just follow your heart, you should lead it. Don’t let your feelings and emotions do the driving. You put them in the back seat and tell them where you’re going.” – The Love Dare (pg. 66)

Without God in my life I fell to the worldly standard of allowing feelings and emotions to drive my heart. Even with God I can still wrestle with the desire to feel love instead of deciding to choose love.

I have discovered the saying “distance makes the heart grow founder” to be an accurate one. After nine months apart from my husband I expect to have a newlywed kind of feeling toward him when he finally returns home. Following how my heart feels will likely come with ease.

What happens when the not so endearing quirks we both have rear their ugly head again? Like the quirks which have before led me to feel not so lovey-dovey about my husband.

Will I follow my heart or lead my heart?

“You get to choose what you treasure. So if you’re ungrateful and disapproving, it’s because you choose to be. If you pick at your mate more than you praise them, it’s because you've allowed selfishness in your heart to take over. You've led yourself into criticism.” (pg. 66)

And selfishness has once again made an appearance in this Love Dare journey. God, please rid my heart of selfishness.

The writers of The Love Dare share verses from Deuteronomy 7:7-8 I have not previously read. From The Message translation they read:

“God wasn't attracted to you and didn't choose you because you were big and important—the fact is, there was almost nothing to you. He did it out of sheer love, keeping the promise he made to your ancestors.”

I made a promise to love my husband twenty-four years ago. Quirks and all, I vowed to love him as long as we both shall live. I chose him because he makes me laugh. I chose him because of a strength he has which I admire. I chose him because he is my best friend.

Even if I’m not feeling love I will choose love. A “love that chooses to love is just as beautiful as love that feels like loving.” (pg. 66)

I realize my heart may be prone to wander off from time to time because of my sinful nature. But the Spirit who lives in me is greater (1 John 4:4). He will lead my heart back to love and to, once again, delight in the man I choose to spend the rest of my life with.

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Dare #5: Love is not rude

Dare #6: Love is not irritable

Dare #7: Love believes the best

Dare #8: Love is not jealous

Dare #9: Love makes good impressions

Dare #10: Love is unconditional

Dare #11: Love cherishes

Dare #12: Love lets the other win

Dare #13: Love fights fair

Dare #14: Love takes delight

Next week: Love is honorable

Three Word Wednesday: Love fights fair

I impatiently sit in a small room trying to keep Drake calm while we wait for a specialty veterinarian to see us. Two couples essentially confirmed his diagnosis the moment we walked into the office.

“A torn ACL?” I half smile back at them hoping they are wrong.

Drake, our 60 lbs. Boxer mix, has a limp leg.  Our normal veterinarian forewarned me what came with news of an ACL tear. I pray for different news.

A female veterinarian who specializes in surgery enters the room. At this point I am sitting on the floor with Drake. We have not stopped shaking since we left home. We make quite the pair.

I do not necessarily fear confirmation of his injury. I fear the cost to return him to his able-bodied self.

My husband waits on the other end of the world for news as well.

“He has what we call an Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL) tear,” the doctor says.

I am doing my best to listen and understand as she tells me the options for treatment. Would you just get to the part of telling me what you recommend and the cost?

My heart beats faster as the number rolls off her tongue. Her number doubles that of the number our normal veterinarian forewarned me of before coming here.

I contemplate the conversation I had with my husband yesterday in anticipation of the decision I knew we would face. My interpretation of the conversation has us on the same page. After a text to him, which included revealing a large four digit number, it became clear we were not.

“A great marriage on Monday can start driving off the cliff on Tuesday, if unbridled conflict takes over and neither of you has your foot on the brakes.” – The Love Dare (pg. 62)

The shaking of my body has returned with new intensity. In a single moment I feel like my husband has become my enemy and we've entered the battle zone. Jesus says “love your enemies” in Matthew 5:44. My husband's words are cruel. But he’s not my enemy . . . he’s my husband. I understand where the anger stems from. We have been here before . . . forced to make a decision to invest thousands of dollars on a pet.

I pause and take a deep breath. In that breath I experience the presence of the Holy Spirit within me. He comforts and guides me. With such sudden warmth what else could it be? Who else could it be? He whispers, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh words stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

He brought me wisdom needed to make the next right choice.

“Let how you are speaking be laced with love regardless of what you are saying.” (pg. 63)

The text message exchange with my husband comes to an end; not a perfect ending but a peaceful one. I leave Drake in the care of the veterinarian’s assistant after signing our way back into debt again. We had recently celebrated with high-fives through a computer screen freedom from debt. I headed home richer though. Richer for choosing God’s kind of love. For “love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for” (pg. 63).

An hour later the veterinarian who would perform Drake’s surgery calls me. I will skip over the details and go straight to the good stuff. She called with an offer to reduce the cost of the surgery by nine-hundred dollars. A blessing from God? Oh, yes indeed.

Drake is home recovering. More importantly, my relationship with my husband continues to grow deeper and deeper. Because when love steps in, it changes things.

p.s. I took a different approach to my writing with this post. Let's call it stretching and exploring where God leads.

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Dare #5: Love is not rude

Dare #6: Love is not irritable

Dare #7: Love believes the best

Dare #8: Love is not jealous

Dare #9: Love makes good impressions

Dare #10: Love is unconditional

Dare #11: Love cherishes

Dare #12: Love lets the other win

Dare #13: Love fights fair

Next week: Love takes delight

Three Word Wednesday: Be perfectly united

“I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought.” – 1 Corinthians 1:10

God works in amazing ways.

This week’s love dare (Dare 12) in The Love Dare book is titled, "Love lets the other win." On Sunday my church kicked off a study on 1 Corinthians. When I read Chapter 1 in my own study time, the verse from 1 Corinthians 1:10 jumped off the page at me. It sounded rather similar to the message given in Dare 12.

I can only describe the timing of the two readings as God’s perfect timing.

Neither suggested there are not things worth standing up for and protecting. The message is, and always is, to let love guide our behavior. And love will only guide our behavior when Christ comes first in our life, for He is love.

As I wrote in my post for Dare 11 (Love cherishes), when we say “I do” to our spouse we became one. Disagreements will come in a marriage. But when we mistreat our spouse, we also mistreat ourselves. Therefore, we need to let His love lead us toward the “perfect unity in mind and thought” which Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 1:10.

In the Life Application Bible study notes for 1 Corinthians 1:10 it says to “Focus on your coach, Jesus Christ, and the purpose he has for you. Strive for harmony.”

Before we allow feelings to lead our behavior, we breathe in and breathe out and ask the Holy Spirit to lead us. I know, easier said than done at times. I'm preaching to myself too.

My pastor titled the sermon series on 1 Corinthians, “Growing Pains.” It sounds more and more appropriate to me. Those two words describe a marriage well, don't you think? There are pains but God uses them to bring growth.

The writers of The Love Dare describe how we are to have an attitude of willingness toward our spouse. We talked about willingness in Dare 2 (Love is kind).

“It’s an attitude and spirit of cooperation that should permeate our conversations. It’s like a palm tree by the ocean that endures the greatest winds because it knows how to gracefully bend” (pg. 57).

The greatest example of willingness is in Jesus Christ. He willingly endured the cross for our sins.

“Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 2:5).

Instead of being stubborn when disagreements come to get our way, let’s be like a palm tree by the ocean. The love dare . . . let’s be willing to bend by demonstrating love to our spouse. “Surrendering a battle may actually be the best way to greater victory” (pg. 58).

p.s. I normally spend significantly more time preparing my posts but time has been limited. I'm praying my message came across as intended and grammatical errors are limited. Thank you for your grace.

p.s.s. My son and his wife are now in town. If you are able to visit the person who links up before and after you to help make sure everyone is visited it would be greatly appreciated. I hope to still make some rounds but time online will be limited.

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Dare #5: Love is not rude

Dare #6: Love is not irritable

Dare #7: Love believes the best

Dare #8: Love is not jealous

Dare #9: Love makes good impressions

Dare #10: Love is unconditional

Dare #11: Love cherishes

Dare #12: Love lets the other win

Next week: Love fights fair

Three Word Wednesday: I cherish you

When I said “I do” to my husband we became one. “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it” (Ephesians 5:28-29). We are a part of each other. What one experiences, we both experience. When one is hurting or going through a difficult time we should go to great lengths to show love.

The word cherish is defined as “to feel or show great love for” or “to make warm.”

My husband currently serves in harm’s way in a country that lacks any kind of warmth. I know the months away from home have been difficult on him. As his wife, I need to be the one to bring warmth to his life and heart.

Dare #11: How can you warm the heart of your spouse today? Look for opportunities to bring warmth to the coldness in his life? If possible, give them an unexpected, tender touch. Choose a gesture that says, “I cherish you.” And do it with sincerity.

I am unable to give my husband “an unexpected, tender touch” with him being on the other end of the world. My opportunities to bring him warmth are through exchanged messages and brief phone conversations. I am always sure to express delight when I hear from him. This isn't hard to do when you are counting the days, hours and minutes until you connect.

I told my husband when I finally see his face again (we've been unable to Skype the past month) I will do a cartwheel.

Before he deployed I had hopes of sending him a handwritten note weekly. He treasured the letters he received from me when he was away from home for his basic training. A handwritten note warms the heart, don’t you agree?

We have been able to talk frequently during our time apart so I have only sent him a few handwritten notes. It’s late in the game for me to make up for lost time. I do plan to slip in one or two letters before I can no longer send him mail.

There is still a desire to check off this love dare by choosing a gesture that communicates, “I cherish you.”

I also had hopes of reading the book The 5 Love Languages Military Edition. While I have not read yet there is still time. It now resides on my iPad. To get a head start, I explored www.fivelovelanguages.com for quick ideas on how to fill my husband’s “love tank.” To fill his love tank I need to know his love language.

The 5 Love Languages referred to in the book are:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

I’m certain my husband would say his love language is physical touch. With physical touch not an option for me, I decided to go with a secondary option of “acts of service.” Acts of service means doing things you know your spouse would like you to do.

My husband takes pride in maintaining our home. I know serving him on the home front by tending to our home is important to him. I am grateful he hired professionals to help keep our home clean and grass cut but there are many other neglected areas.

To express my love for him through acts of service I decided to take care of a few things around the home I knew he would appreciate. To be able to tell him I pulled weeds and cleaned the the garage brought a smile to my face. Okay, there are still many more weeds to pull. I did find the time spent on these two projects to be refreshing. Go figure.

There will be less writing and time online while I continue tending to our home. He did not demand or even ask this of me; I choose to do out of love.

My son and his wife will also soon be home for a visit. I will then join them in California for a few days before my son deploys. I know focusing on our children communicates to my husband, “I cherish you and our children.”

What is your spouse's love language? How about yours?

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Dare #5: Love is not rude

Dare #6: Love is not irritable

Dare #7: Love believes the best

Dare #8: Love is not jealous

Dare #9: Love makes good impressions

Dare #10: Love is unconditional

Dare #11: Love cherishes

Next week: Love lets the other win

Three Word Wednesday: Love is unconditional

A month after my husband returns home from his deployment we will celebrate 24 years of marriage. Twenty-four years ago we said the traditional wedding vows to one another: “I promise to love you, comfort you, honor and keep you for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health and forsaking all others, be faithful only to you so long as we both shall live.”

In Dare 10 of The Love Dare book the writers say, “The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional.” The Bible refers to an unconditional love by using the Greek word agape.

“Agape love is ‘sickness and health’ love, ‘for richer or poorer’ love, ‘for better or worse’ love. It is the only kind of love that is lasting, unchanging, true love.” (pg. 47)

Agape love is God’s kind of love.

We did not know God on our wedding day or for the next 20 years of our marriage. I did not love my husband with an unconditional, agape love. Instead of an unchanging love no matter the circumstances, my love swayed based on how I felt. When hard times came our way my feelings toward my husband changed. Twice I told him I no longer loved him and left seeking better.

I've felt shame from the decision I made to leave my husband and the mistakes I made which led up to it. Leaving meant I had failed to honor the commitment to love him no matter the circumstances. Even though we were both guilty of providing reasons for the other to want out, I will only speak to the shame in my own heart for how deeply I hurt him.

But God (my favorite two words in the Bible) is a God who forgives all our sins.

“This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.” - 1 John 4:10

While I speak of God’s forgiveness, I found my way back into my husband’s arms before we accepted Christ as our Savior.  We were together again and attempting to get by on our own strength; a strength we did not have. Our love for one another still tossed back and forth from the storms that came our way.

How could we love one another with God’s kind of love if we hadn't placed our trust in Him? To love one another with an unconditional, agape love, God needs to be the foundation of our lives and not each other.

Thankfully, someone took the time to share the words said by the Apostle Paul in Romans 5:1-5 with me and led me to the hope found in Him. “And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love” (Romans 5:5). Those words began the journey of a relationship with Christ. It was a different person and words for my husband but by God’s grace the journey began for both of us.

Until we accepted His forgiveness, I do not think either of us realized how deep our need had become. Even more than forgiveness, we longed for an unconditional love . . . a love we were unable to give until we had received for ourselves. Unlike the expectation we placed on one another, we did not need to prove ourselves worthy of God’s love. “He doesn't love us because we are lovable, but because He is so loving.” (pg. 47)

God chooses to freely give His love to us. Love is a choice. And the choice begins by allowing God into our hearts so His love can grow in us. An unconditional love does not come from within. An unconditional love, an agape love, comes from God.

“Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” - 1 John 4:7-8

I left my husband seeking love elsewhere when all along the love I wanted could only be found through faith and trust in the One who is love. Because of Him, I am free from the shame of past mistakes and have been made new.  I will therefore speak of His goodness and what He has done for me and my marriage all the days of my life with the hope of leading others to Him. For it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him.

I choose God.
I choose Love.

And I will pray for God to help me love my husband with an unconditional, agape love so my marriage is a reflection of His perfect love.

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Dare #5: Love is not rude

Dare #6: Love is not irritable

Dare #7: Love believes the best

Dare #8: Love is not jealous

Dare #9: Love makes good impressions

Dare #10: Love is unconditional

Next week: Love cherishes

Three Word Wednesday: Love at Hello

Throughout my husband’s deployment the way he greets me via a text message, email, or over the phone never leaves me questioning his love for me or how much he misses me. When we are able to Skype we do this silly movement with our hands as we say good-bye too. Neither of us remembers how it started or what the movement means but it’s now the thing we do and I love our thing.

With an end to the deployment in sight, I dream about his homecoming A LOT. A video of a military homecoming brings me to tears. Imagining my husband’s homecoming brings buckets of tears . . . joyful tears.

In Dare #9 of The Love Dare book it states how you can tell a lot about the current status of a couple’s marriage by the way they greet one another. “You can see it in her smile, hear it in his voice, and sense it in the tenderness of their touch. Or lack thereof.” (pg. 41)

Don't expect to see a lack thereof when my husband walks off his plane. He will receive one big kiss the moment he’s within my reach.

There have been seasons when our greetings lacked tenderness. I wore fewer smiles during those seasons and my voice did not reflect a woman who loves her husband. We had our seasons of playing the role of a happily married couple when underneath we were anything but happy.

I am not ignorant to the fact that difficult seasons will come our way again.

My husband’s reintegration back to civilian life will come with challenges. I have a choice in how I choose to greet my husband during those seasons. Even if feelings are contrary, I can choose to be kind. There is always a reason to choose kindness — “love being the greatest reason of all.” Because love is a choice we make.

“While greetings can reflect what’s currently happening in a relationship, they can also become a loving investment in its future health.” (pg. 41)

The writers refer to the story told by Jesus of the prodigal son. After making poor choices the son returns home humbled and ashamed expecting to live like one of his father’s hired servants. The greeting he anticipated was not the one he received. “While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him” (Luke 15:20).

The way I choose to greet my husband can set the stage for better moments ahead. A loving greeting communicates he is loved and treasured no matter the circumstances. It’s a gift I can give to him every single day. Just like Christ gives to me (us).

A smile came to my face as I read on in the chapter and came to these words: "So choose to love at hello." Like me, those words may remind you of the movie Jerry Maguire. You know the scene toward the end of the movie when Jerry (Tom Cruise) proclaims his love to Dorothy (Renee Zellweger)? Dorothy eventually stops him and says, "You had me at hello."

My prayer is that my husband knows he wins my heart at hello. He will have imperfect moments (so will I) and choosing to love him at hello won't always come with ease but love makes the choice to see beyond the imperfections and to love anyways. I choose to love my husband well beginning with hello.

I realize it may be easier to make such a promise with my husband on the other end of the world. What happens when he returns home and those nuances we both bring to our marriage are back in the game? I hope the time we have spent apart has taught me to never take for granted the ability to greet him with a warm touch the moment he walks in the door.

“Since we each have no guarantee of tomorrow, every new day with our spouse is a gift from God for us to cherish and enjoy.” (pg. 43)

I don't know what the future holds. Only God knows. But I know this love dare challenge and the time I am spending with God is changing my heart. If I am not choosing love the problem lies within my own heart. Thankfully, I have access to the One who is in the business of heart transplants.

Scripture reveals that He places significant value on marriages. I trust Him completely too continually work on this heart of mine to teach me how to love my husband with His kind of love.

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Dare #5: Love is not rude

Dare #6: Love is not irritable

Dare #7: Love believes the best

Dare #8: Love is not jealous

Dare #9: Love makes good impressions

Next week: Love is unconditional

Three Word Wednesday: Love isn't jealous

From my husband's last promotion.

In the second post of my love dare series I admitted my jealousy towards my husband for the free time he has during his deployment. The jealousy continues to live in my heart.

My husband recently posted a Facebook status update expressing joy for the evenings when his unit gathers around a fire. They tell stories of basic training, other deployments and life back home. He mentioned these times almost felt like they were home, but the one thing missing was a cooler of beer.

The initial thoughts I had did not resemble a wife being her husband’s biggest cheerleader. Shouldn't I be the one thing missing?

When I read his status update it hurt my feelings. I also had a hint of jealousy over his evenings of fun. Don't get me wrong, I’m grateful he has those opportunities but I am longing for us to have an evening of fun together. I want to be the one thing missing.

I know there are other occasions when I let jealousy win over being his cheerleader.

He has an outgoing personality and makes friends easily. Kids adore him for his willingness to get on the floor and play. These qualities do not come with ease for me. When we are in situation where he has won the hearts of those around him, I tend to pull back instead of cheering him on.

With him being a soldier he often receives accolades for his service to our country. There are times when congratulations are in order for his accomplishments or advancement in rank. I get jealous of the attention he receives.

“Because love is not selfish and puts others first, it refuses to let jealousy in. It leads you to celebrate the successes of your spouse rather than resenting them.”– The Love Dare (pg. 37-38)

Jealousy plays out in other areas of my life too.

It creeps in as I read someone else’s blog. They write far better than me. I get jealous of the talents they have and I wish I had. They have more followers. Their posts have more shares. The list of where my thoughts can go goes on and on.

On all accounts, it comes down to envy and selfishness. (There is that selfishness once again.) I want what others have and lack gratitude for the gifts God has given me.

In James 3:15 we are told, “Such ‘wisdom’ does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic” (James 3:15). And right after that it says, “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice” (James 3:16).

We are even told in Galatians 5:19-21 that those who live with envy and selfishness will not inherit the Kingdom. Ouch.

There are times when jealousy is legitimate. Jealousy was justified by both of us when on separate occasions we gave ourselves to another. I rightfully wanted back what belonged to me and the same held true for my husband.

A jealousy which comes from envy and selfishness will infect our marriages and other relationships. It keeps us from living a life of love. God’s wisdom tells us we are to “spur one another on toward love” (Hebrews 10:24). 

As my husband’s wife I need to encourage him by celebrating his successes. I should be captain of his fan club.

Before my heart becomes rooted in envy and selfishness I need to seek God and His wisdom. He will free me from the need to compare myself to others, especially my husband, and want what they have. I want a heart rooted in God’s love. When rooted in His love, He will help me reflect His kind of love toward my husband and to others.

And I do this because of God's love for me. His love compels me (2 Corinthians 5:14) to love my husband and others with His kind of love.

Dare #8: Email, write, or telephone your spouse to tell them how glad you are about a recent success that they have achieved.

My husband keeps saying it's a “we” effort but I've expressed my appreciation to him via email, letter and phone for how he diligently stayed on top of our once horrible financial situation. As of today we are out of debt (minus a mortgage payment). There were virtual high fives during our recent Facetime. While I contributed financially, my husband contributed financially and did the grunt work (even while deployed). Praise God for how He provided and made this possible.

Thank you again, friends, for staying with me through this love dare journey.

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Dare #5: Love is not rude

Dare #6: Love is not irritable

Dare #7: Love believes the best

Dare #8: Love is not jealous

Next week: Love makes good impressions

Three Word Wednesday: Believe the best

There have been seasons in my marriage when my thoughts of my husband were far from believing the best about him. There were seasons when I would say under my breath, I hate you. It hurts tremendously to admit such a thing.

I never stopped loving my husband, even during our two separations, but there were seasons when it seemed easier to hate him than love him.

In chapter seven of The Love Dare the writers refer to having two rooms in your home: the Appreciation Room and the Depreciation Room. The Appreciation Room is obviously where positive thoughts about your spouse take place and the Depreciation Room not so positive. The dare takes you to both rooms by asking you to write down the positive and negative things about your spouse. I have not read ahead so I do not know what I will do with my lists. Apparently we return to the lists at a later date.

Honestly, I have no interest in going into the Depreciation Room.

I write from a perspective of my marriage being in a good place, yet I know God wants me to reach those who may be where I once was. The years when you would most likely find me in the Depreciation Room were a dark time.

In the Depreciation Room I would write on the walls all the things that bothered and irritated me about my husband. As said by the writers, I “placed words and opinions there out of frustration, hurt feelings, and the disappointment of unmet expectations.” The more time I spent there the easier it became to add to the walls. Eventually I thought there had to be better so I left my husband looking for better . . . I left twice.

Hanging out in the Depreciation Room will kill your marriage. “The more time you spend in this place, the more your heart devalues your spouse. It begins the moment you walk in the door, and your care for them lessens with every second that ticks by.” (pg. 32)

I always had a choice, and still have a choice, of how I choose to think about my husband. I could choose positive thoughts or negative thoughts. But love chooses to believe the best.

While the things I've written on the walls of the Depreciation Room may have been or still hold true, so are the things written in the Appreciation Room. Love focuses on the positives.

As I filled the walls of the Depreciation Room with the ways my husband had hurt me the more hurtful I became towards him. The time in that room truly almost killed my marriage and the blame did not fall solely on my husband. We both had areas where we failed because we are both sinners in need of God's grace.

“Love knows about the Depreciation Room and does not live in denial that it exists. But love chooses not to live there.” (pg.  32)

Paul says in Philippians 4:8 that our thoughts should only be of that which is true, noble, right, pure, lovely or admirable. When I think back to those dark seasons excellent or praiseworthy thoughts about my husband seemed impossible. But with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). I now know I need to pray and ask God for His help.

I love what the writers say to do if entering the Depreciation Room again: “And the only reason you should ever go in this room is to write ‘COVERED IN LOVE’ in huge letters across the walls.”

With confidence the writers will have me do something positive with a list of the ways my husband bothers or irritates me (such as tear it up), I briefly entered the room I no longer like to be in and wrote one thing on a piece of paper. I then wrote “Covered in Love” in big letters over it, folded it up and tucked away until I receive further instructions.

While surely my husband does things that bother me, I choose to see beyond them and focus on the reasons I appreciate him. The months we've spent apart have taught me there are indeed many (many, many) wonderful qualities my husband beholds.

Love is a choice we make. We make it by choosing to place God first in our lives. We make time for Him and we get to know Him by spending time in His Word.  God is the answer to loving our spouse with His kind of love. What a wonderful gift it is to serve a God who cares about every detail of our marriage. He is eager to help us spend our days believing the best about our spouse.

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” ~ Isaiah 26:3

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Dare #5: Love is not rude

Dare #6: Love is not irritable

Dare #7: Love believes the best

Next week: Love is not jealous

Three Word Wednesday: Love isn't irritable

For the most part I thought I covered how love is not irritable in my last post. Rude and irritable basically go hand in hand, don’t they? In Dare #5 the writers of The Love Dare even start the chapter by saying, “Nothing irritates others as quickly as being rude.”

I’m all in on this love dare challenge so I press on.

The writers suggest there are two reasons that contribute becoming irritable: stress and selfishness. There is that selfishness again. I get the feeling I’m not alone in the struggle with selfishness. I would say it would be selfish of me to ignore the obvious point being made throughout The Love Dare book on how love is not selfish.

I do appreciate what the writers shared on the matter of selfishness: “When you’re irritable, the heart of the problem is primarily a problem of the heart.” Thankfully Jesus specializes in heart transplants.

“When love enters your heart, it calms you down and inspires you to quit focusing on yourself” (p. 27). Jesus is love. I need to let Him into my heart. “He must become greater; I must become less” (John 3:30).

The first part of Dare #6 targets how stress can cause irritability. “Stress weighs you down, drains your energy, weakens your health, and invites you to be cranky” (p. 26). The dare asks you to make a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. The military devotional for this dare acknowledges adding margin may be difficult for a spouse going through a deployment; however it does suggest evaluating what you are doing with the down time you have.

I would be lying if I told you I have little down time with my husband deployed and a house to maintain on my own. I simply do not make good use of the time I have. This leaves me easily irritated.

My favorite thing to do with the warmer temperatures now here is to go for a long walk today. On those walks is when I most connect with God. He brought the verse from Luke 12:34 to mind when out walking on Memorial Day: “Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.”

Truth be told, I still treasure the opinions of others over God’s. I seek the approval of others when I have already been pre-approved by God. In her book Love Idol, Jennifer Dukes Lee writes, “To be pre-approved means this: We love from our approval, not for our approval.” I love to write and all that comes with being a blogger, but too often my priorities are out of order. I place blogging before God because I feel more is required of me for you to keep on returning. By doing this I’ve actually placed myself at the center of my relationships instead of God. Enter selfishness once again.

The title for Day 8 of The Love Dare Day by Day devotional is: “Love is best when God is first." This day’s devotional states, “Let every breath be an opportunity to learn how to better love the God who first loved you." This truth reminds me of how I need to be rooted deep in His love.

“Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” ~ Ephesians 3:17-19

For my roots to grow deeper into God’s love I need to be pursuing an intimate relationship with Him. I need to drink in His love daily and I do this by spending time in His word daily. Time with Him needs to be treasured above anything else.

And if I am rooted deep in His love then I am no longer fussing over the approval of others because I know I am already pre-approved by God.

“He created us to love Him, and something unexplainable beautiful happens when we direct all of who we are at delighting in all of who He is” (Day 8, The Love Dare Day by Day). That something beautiful may be freeing us to simply love our spouses and others.

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Dare #5: Love is not rude

Dare #6: Love is not irritable

Next week: Love believes the best

Friday Randomness (Vol. 24)

Scripture speaking to my heart

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." ~ Ephesians 3:17-19

#JoyDare #1000Gifts

"We give thanks to God not because of how we feel but because of who He is." ~ Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts Devotional

Favorite quote

"Even when our tears slip we know His hand never does. His creation says it all. He goes deep like the ocean. He stretches wide like the sky. He reaches out like the sun." ~ LysaTerKeurst #incourage

The Love Dare

Before my husband departed for his deployment I mentioned to my pastor one evening during a Bible study class that I was actually excited to see how God would grow our marriage during the time we would spend apart. Every part of me believes this love dare challenge was all part of God's plan. It has awakened my soul to seek Christ with a renewed passion and I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with my husband. It has God written all over it.

What am I reading?

I have so many unread books and spring is apparently the time for new releases which has made it hard to choose what to read next. My friend Kristin of 152 Insights to My Soul hosted a giveaway recently at her place and I ended up being the lucky winner of the book Chasing God by Angie Smith. After reading the introduction and a portion of the first chapter I've made my decision on what I'm reading next.

     "Stop running like mad because you don't 
know the music; lay in the wild grass while the 
stars dance instead.
      Forget what they've told you about me and
stop thinking it's something you have to perform.
You could spend your entire life doing that and
never know any more of Me at all. You'll miss
the point, miss the beauty, and miss the sky I
painted above for you.
      It's a beautiful night to realize what it's
really like to be loved.
      Stop chasing the song, child, and let Me
teach you to sing." ~ Angie Smith, Chasing God

A few of my favorite blog reads from the past few weeks

"This is the petition I breathe, the Psalmist's heart-cry that courses through my veins whenever these fingers hit the keyboard in this online space." ~ A Blogger's Prayer, by Linda of Creekside Ministries

"Choosing joy through little things, will teach you to choose joy in the big things. The life-changing, I-don’t-know-how-to-survive-this things." ~ How to Learn Acceptance With Joy, by Natasha Metzler

"The more grace we show ourselves, the more grace we’ll be able to show others." ~ Learning to Love Yourself Just As God Made You, by Emily Wierenga via The Better Mom

A few of my favorite blog reads on marriage

5 Qualities of a Kind Wife, by Courtney of Women Living Well

5 Tips For Keeping a Marriage Strong, by Jeanne Tekenaka

Sharita of 7 Days Time is doing a wonderful series on Building a Christ-Like Marriage which I recommend catching up on.

Online friends become INRL friends

I'm incredibly grateful for the many opportunities I've had recently to meet writing friends in real life. Last weekend I met Cindee Snider Re of Breathe Deeply for lunch and we had a beautiful afternoon together. I simply adore her and love that we live close enough to meet again . . . hopefully soon.

A blog makeover

A blog makeover is in the works. The process will most likely move at a slow pace but I've decided to be okay with this. I would love your thoughts on a new tag line I'm considering: Scattering seeds of His love

Yes/No? I've received a couple yeses so far but I would love to hear your thoughts.

Memorial Day Weekend

I plan to post on Monday as there is a message on my heart to share but I am praying for the right words to come. Until then, may we all stop this weekend to remember and honor the brave heroes who laid down their lives for you and me.

Three Word Wednesday: Love isn't rude

Dare #5: Ask your spouse, by email or phone (or letter) to name three things you do which cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated.

My gut reaction to this dare did not include asking my husband to name three things I do which irritate him. Our recent conversations have made my heart smile big so I hesitated to go in this direction.

If we are spending time in God’s Word, most likely we've felt a nudge on areas in our lives where we need to allow God to do renovations. I know I could easily name off three ways I irritate my husband at times without input from him.

I’m all in on this Love Dare Challenge so against my judgment I sent an email to my husband. He had no interest in naming off a list. I must say his response was music to my ears. “My thoughts of you on a daily or hourly basis are not of past nuisances or annoyances.” He went on to say, “If I was home maybe I would be willing to have this discussion because I could hold you at the end of the night.” I love this man of mine.

I’m not disagreeing on the value of having this discussion. I do have a different opinion on whether or not the approach should be different for military couples going through a deployment.

Without a list from my husband of ways I irritate him, I relied on how the Holy Spirit has convicted me on the matter of love not being rude.

The writers of The Love Dare stated, “There are two main reasons why people are rude: ignorance and self-centeredness. Earlier in the chapter they wrote, “For the most part, the etiquette you use at home is much different than the kind you employ with friends, or even with total strangers.” I loved how a writing friend referred to this when leaving a comment on my last post. She said, “Isn't it odd how everyone else, even complete strangers, gets our most thoughtful side ... and our spouses and family get the leftovers?”

Scary true, isn't it? I know my husband and children have received my leftovers. I can be ignorant at times and we've already discussed my selfish tendencies.

I've had the verses from James 3:9-18 on my mind and I wonder how often my words are unpleasing to God.

“Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God.” ~ James 3:9

This husband of mine was created in the image of God just like me. He should be treated the same way I want to be treated . . . with love.

My words may not always be harsh but I know there are often times when both ignorance and self-centeredness reside in them. Like when my husband gives advice and all I want from him is to listen. This usually leaves me irritated and unwilling to listen even if his advice is good. I may not love all the things my husband says or does but as my beautiful friend Shelly said to me, “The beauty of love is that it loves in spite of those things.”

And If I want him to stop doing the things that bother me, I need to first look inward and stop doing the things I know bother him. In the The Love Dare, Day by Day: A Year of Devotions for Couples, Day 130 is titled: “Love deals with self first.” It says, “No one makes a mess of their marriage all by themselves, but if healing is to occur, it should always start with ‘me.’”

“Why do you look at the speck in your brothers’ eye but don’t notice the log in your own eye.” ~ Matthew 7:3

If my words are unpleasing to my husband they are also unpleasing to God. I need to allow the Holy Spirit to do those renovations.

In the study notes of the Life Application Study Bible it includes for James 3:12-18, “Careful, winsome speech and wise, loving words are the seeds of peace.” If I want to scatter seeds of peace shouldn't I start with my spouse?

Even after twenty-four years of marriage, I’m discovering my love needs to mature. “Maturity puts others before yourself, both in thought and in deed (Love Dare Day by Day, Day 61).” For a maturing love I will keep seeking wisdom from God’s Word.

“Real wisdom, God’s wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.” ~ James 3:17-18 (MSG)

God’s kind of love . . . real love . . . takes work. We do the required work because that is what love does.

What love discoveries did I make this past week? It's worth the work.

Dare #1: Love is patient

Dare #2: Love is kind

Dare #3: Love is not selfish

Dare #4: Love is thoughtful

Dare #5: Love is not rude

Next week: Love is not irritable